Привет идиоты,
I have returned to inflict more psychic damage upon you about the sick fucks that make up the worldwide disease that is Big Capital. Today, I would like to talk to you about Kenneth Cordele Griffin, the founder and CEO of a little company called Citadel LLC.
Now unless you have been living under a fucking rock for the past week or have drank yourself to the point of amnesia for one reason or another (forgivable), you are probably by now at least vaguely aware of what Citadel does and how it relates to current events surrounding GameStop and WSB's new favorite hedge fund, Melvin Capital.
Seeing as how there's a few million more of you here now than there were last month when I was emptying the contents of the bowl of oatmeal that is my brain on these pages about present day financial crimes perpetrated by Citadel and their ilk and the ouroboros of Western intelligence agencies and Big Capital, let's do a quick recap. I do hope you take the time to read the full posts, because you may learn something interesting. ^{PSTH = Stripe 🚀🚀🚀}

1. The markets and the flow of capital around the world are rife with financial crime.
   
2. The vast majority of this crime is perpetrated by large institutions like Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, and Deutsche Bank. Some of this crime takes the form of laundering money for drug cartels, terrorists, pedophiles, and sex traffickers. Some of it involves manipulation of the markets.
   
3. The regulators in charge of dealing with these fucks are utterly spineless, to the point that any honest person must wonder out loud if they're in on it and getting a take. This phenomenon is known as regulatory capture and is a particularly insidious form of political corruption.
   
4. The CIA, since its inception in 1947, has acted as a sort of parallel government within the broader United States government, and has been the primary ideological engine of its foreign policy through its ties to Big Capital. That foreign policy has always kept the interests of business as its top priority. One might even call this the Deep State.
   

Who is Ken Griffin?

Ken Griffin is the absolute epitome of the archetypal scumfuck egomaniac asshole that embodies everything that is wrong with the ultra-rich class of Big Capital. Ahem, sorry. Let's try that again.
Ken Griffin started his career out as a 🌈🐻 at the age of 19 while an undergraduate at Harvard, shorting the convertible bonds market and making a bunch of money off of the October 19th, 1987 crash, more commonly known as Black Monday. He graduated in 1989, supposedly returned 70% in his first year as a professional fund manager, and went on to found Citadel in 1990. Citadel has swelled to gargantuan size in the last 30 years. It apparently almost went under in 2008 during the financial crisis, but they were fine after the empty suit known as Barack Obama reneged on his campaign promises and fully sealed the transfer of the United States to Wall Street and the rest of the 1%. The hedge fund managed $35 billion as of October 2020 (probably less now LOLOLOL) and a little more than a quarter of all equity volume flows through Citadel Securities in their capacity as a market maker.
He lives in Chicago, but that's not very important. I will note that Chicago has been a historically CIA rat-infested city, as evidenced by the group of University of Chicago-trained economists that helped carry out the regime change ops and aggressive neoliberalization of South America in the 20th century. He's not a complete political partisan, but he does tend to favor Republicans. He has donated to Democratic Party luminaries like Rod Blagojevich and Rahm Emanuel, libertarian psychopaths like the Koch Brothers, and neocon war hawk freaks like Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove. His most recent political contributions were to Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue, the two imbecilic former Senators from Georgia who were both busted for dumping stocks on insider information shortly before the Great Beer Virus Crash of 2020. The thread tying these fine folks together is that what most people in the United States think of as politics is more akin to a game show than a real system of governance, and the ultra-rich value their class allegiance much higher than their allegiance to any one political party. As a slight aside, Loeffler's husband is the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange. How in the fuck is the spouse of a (formerly) sitting Senator allowed to hold that position? Yuck.

The Ken Griffin Real Estate Portfolio

(Disclaimer: Griffin may not still own every property in this section and I don't care to find out which, if any, he has divested himself from, because frankly, the levels of opulence make me feel fucking sick. Also, if this is considered d0xxing or something because some of these may be personal residences, I will remove them upon request. This is all publicly available information, though.)

• 132 East Delaware Place in Chicago, Illinois -- luxury high rise with residential units, office space, and retail stores
• 800 North Michigan Avenue in Chicago, Illinois -- penthouse unit
• 820 Fifth Avenue, New York City, New York -- overlooking Central Park in Manhattan
• Big Ass Mansion in Aspen, Colorado
• Two properties at the Hualalai Resort in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
• Multiple mansions at 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, and 70 Blossom Way in Palm Beach, Florida. Further links here and here.
• 12,500 square feet of penthouses at Faena House in Miami, Florida
• 1290 South Ocean Boulevard in Palm Beach, Florida
• 3 Carlton Gardens in London, England -- former home of Charles de Gaulle, former President of France
• Numerous units at 220 Central Park South in New York City, New York -- a four-floor penthouse and two adjacent apartments on the 20th floor
• 650 Meadow Lane in Southampton, New York -- purchased from Calvin Klein
• Vacant double lot costing $37 million Star Island, Miami Beach, Florida

The Ken Griffin Art Portfolio

Many of the pieces listed here are not held personally by Griffin, but are loaned out to institutions like the Museum of Modern Art in New York and the Art Institute of Chicago. For the extreme smoothbrains among you, the reason Griffin blows giant bags on horrible pieces of art and puts them on public display is so that he can use them as tax writeoffs.
Herein lies the part where you may call me a conspiracy theorist if you please, but I think Griffin's art portfolio is indicative of some type of covert relationship with the intelligence agencies. I sincerely do not believe that any person can reach these strata of society without at least brushing elbows with some glowies. The most expensive pieces in his collection come from the school of art known as abstract expressionism, which was quite literally a CIA-sponsored project meant to counter the influence of Soviet realism during the Cold War. The idea was that the Soviets would see the wacky vomitus that people like Jackson Pollock would spew all over a canvas as an expression of the ideals of freedom and individuality and break free of the bonds of Communism.

• False Start by Jasper Johns. Housed at the MoMA, purchased by Griffin for $80 million.
• Curtain, Jug and Fruit Bowl by Paul Cézanne. Housed at the Whitney Museum of American Art in New York. Purchased by the previous buyer at auction for $60.5 million -- Griffin's purchase price is not known.
• Self Portrait by Paul Cézanne. I think this is the correct one. He did a whole bunch of these over the course of his life. Price unknown.
• Water Lilies by Claude Monet. He did like 250 of these, this is the one that comes up when searching it with the year of the one Griffin is known to own, 1905. Price unknown.
• The Green Dancer by Edgar Degas. On display at the Thyssen-Bornemisza Museum in Madrid, Spain
• Little Dancer Aged Fourteen by Edgar Degas. An extraordinarily ugly wax sculpture on display at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C.
• Interchange by Willem de Kooning. Abstract expressionist trash purchased for $300 million from noted Jeffrey Epstein associate and suspected pedophile David Geffen. Recall that Epstein is highly suspected of being some type of intelligence asset tasked with blackmailing rich scumbags by anyone who has studied his story closely.
• Number 17A by Jackson Pollock. More abstract expression trash, also purchased from David Geffen for $200 million.

How does Citadel spend its money?

Good question! They buy politicians. Remember regulatory capture? Here's Citadel doing just that: current Secretary of the Treasury, former Chair of the Federal Reserve, and sentient potato woman Janet Yellen took more than $800,000 in speaking fees from Citadel. In fact, Yellen "earned" over $7 million in speaking fees from various other financial institutions including Goldman Sachs and Citigroup between her stints at the Fed and at Treasury. What do we think? Is she just such an enrapturing speaker that she's worth every penny? Or is she getting a kickback for helping to deregulate financial markets and a bribe to look the other way when short sellers and market makers collude to shut retail traders out of the market en masse, like they did yesterday with GME?
They also buy stakes in distressed hedge funds, apparently. Remember the $2.75 billion bailout that Citadel and Point72 gave to Melvin Capital on Monday, which they promptly pissed away doubling down on their GME short? Isn't it weird that Robinhood shut down trading on the very stocks that the hedge funds were bleeding out from and then forced people to liquidate their long positions at the very bottom of a coordinated short seller attack? Doesn't it seem a little strange that the hedge fund branch of Citadel is allowed to own part of another hedge fund that's being bled dry, as Citadel Securities buys order flow from Robinhood to illegally front-run retail orders?
There's also this, on the topic of Melvin Capital and pedophiles and sex traffickers: Melvin Capital's 5th largest long holding is a company called L Brands, which is the parent of Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works. Victoria's Secret, as seasoned Jeffrey Epstein gumshoes will know, was founded by one Leslie Wexner, who had a very troubling relationship with Epstein. Epstein was Wexner's personal money manager and Wexner was Epstein's only known client. Wexner and Epstein were so close that Wexner gave Epstein a mansion on the Upper East Side in Manhattan in 2011, years after it was already known that he was a pedophile creep. Epstein would tell the girls he was sexually assaulting that he was a modeling scout for Victoria's Secret. Jean-Luc Brunel, another Epstein-associated "modeling scout" and sex criminal who was recently arrested in France, would supply models to Victoria's Secret through his agency MC2 Model Management. Basically, what I'm saying is that Melvin Capital, and now Citadel by extension, are long sex trafficking pedophiles.

How can I poke this asshole in the eye?

It seems like there's two big things you can do to do your part.
The first is to 💎👐 GME. The institutions are clearly scared shitless at how much blowback is coming their way or they wouldn't be taking such drastic measures to try to tip the scales in the favor of the shorts at the expense of everyone else. Turn off share lending in your brokerage if you can and still haven't.
The second is to transfer your assets out of Robinhood yesterday and graduate to a big boy brokerage. Citadel Securities (remember, this is the market maker, not the hedge fund) banked a record $6.7 billion in profit last year. You can bet that this has at least a little to do with the influx of Robinhooders pressing the market order button on their phones and letting Citadel front run their orders while Robinhood gives them a garbage fill.

TLDR: Ken Griffin final boss. Citadel bad. Robinhood bad. GME go up. Stop FOMOing into other dumb shit and stick to the plan.

Hi Everybody, [Long post ahead. So read at your own peril. tl;dr for the project below.]
We are the people behind the Army of Spies DApp proposal currently in Catalyst Fund 3. We're longtime Cardano super fanatics. We're hoping that we're going to get really good feedback on our project in Catalyst. But, we also want to reach out to the rest of the Cardano Community who might not be actively perusing the projects in the Catalyst Fund 3. Mods, please let me know if this somehow shouldn't be posted here. Anyway, I'm going to post our proposal and plan below. We would love any and all feedback that anyone could provide. Obviously, there are monetary grants involved in Catalyst. But, we are actually just as excited for our little project just to see the light of day after working on it for so long. Our first draft of the whitepaper for this project was way back in Early 2018. We've put a ton of thought and effort into it since then including many drafts of the smart contract which is currently in Marlowe. We are slowly learning as we go. We also know our little project has a long way still to progress. So, we'd love any and all feedback if people here would be willing to give it a look. Obviously, we're editing this and making changes as we go. So this is all subject to change and revision.
Army of Spies
“...but at the length truth will out.”
William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice
tl;dr
Army of Spies is a Cardano based non-fungible native token product that creates a compensated “Curator” role in a smart contract powered marketplace that brokers obscure, or difficult to acquire, information. Blockchain derived finality and permanence of Curator role ownership will drive decentralized market growth via the efforts of each newly minted Curator. Army of Spies ultimately serves a public good as a decentralized public blockchain-based approach to the efficient allocation of information resources and erasure of non-mandatory information asymmetries powered by crowdsourced and bounty-based information discovery. The obscure, or difficult to acquire, information addressed by Army of Spies typically falls outside the reach of traditional blockchain oracle providers.
Table of Contents

1. Philosophy & Use Case
2. The Army of Spies User Experience
3. Under the Hood of Army of Spies
4. Marketing Strategies
5. Securities Law Compliance Strategies
6. Founder Team
7. 2018-2025 Roadmap

Philosophy & Use Case
Our modern world, albeit drastically transformed by the internet over the last decades, is still a world of secrets and information asymmetry. Some secrets are necessary. Some are not. Among the unnecessary secrets are three broad categories of obscure or difficult to acquire information (“ODAI”): 1) information that someone doesn’t want revealed but has no legal or ethical right to protect, 2) mundane information that has value but is difficult to acquire, and 3) information that may hold an idiosyncratic value to one person but may still be inconvenient to acquire. These types of ODAI typically fall outside the grasp of traditional blockchain oracle providers. Let’s first describe these three categories of ODAI.
1) Information Someone Doesn’t Want Revealed
You don’t need to know the launch codes to the nuclear weapon arsenal of your favorite superpower. But, you do need to know if your elected officials are taking bribes from foreign corporate interests. It’s probably not okay for you to have the gate code to Taylor Swift’s estate. But, it’s probably okay for you to know the real identity of the land developer secretly buying up all the parcels of land on the same block as the corner store owned by your family. Some secrets are necessary. But, information is a valuable resource and its efficient allocation is generally a net positive for the progress of a technologically based society. In the case of those bits of information that are not mandatory secrets, the hidden hand of the market should guide disclosure. The whistleblower should be rewarded for telling the world that the politician is corrupt, and watchdog groups will gladly raise funds to secure the disclosure of that information. Someone who sees Kit Harington with long hair on the streets of London should be able to accept a reward for that information from a Game of Thrones superfan on the other side of the world. The shop owner should be able to ask if anyone can identify the looter on his security cameras who stole the inventory that cost his or her life savings. The peaceful side lines protester should be able to ask if anyone can identify the person who permanently blinded her with a traffic cone recklessly thrown at her head. A small time merchant should have a means to discover if the real buyer behind the strawman offer they just received was actually from their biggest competitor or from a random individual.
2) Mundane Information that is Difficult to Acquire
There are also less sensational more day-to-day categories of mundane information that might be valuable but difficult, costly, or inconvenient to acquire in isolation: you might want to know how long the line is at your favorite bar on Friday night at 10pm, but it might not be convenient to drive all the way downtown to find out. You might want to know if there are a lot of girls or guys at the bar, but you might know that you can’t trust the hostess on the other end of the phone line when you call the bar. You might be willing to pay a small fee to know exactly what size fly professional fishing guides are using on a trout stream near your hotel, but you might be unwilling to pay for a day of guiding that would normally be the entry point for that disclosure. The purchaser of a vintage motorcycle should be able to find out the old-timer secrets about what brand and type of modern oil contains the right additives for his engine without spending days combing through old Reddit posts. You might really need to know how much it costs to hire an experienced cardano smart contract developer. But, you might realize that you can’t trust the answers you get on Reddit.
3) Information that holds Ideosyncratic Value and is Simultaneously Inconvenient to Acquire
There might also be information that is only valuable to you but still inconvenient to acquire. You might want to know if your significant other is really at the gym with his friends or at the bar by his office with that one woman he works with. It might be valuable to understand if the cute barista who works at your local Starbucks on Monday mornings flirts with everyone to feed the tip jar or if she is actually just after you.
For a small reward, any intrepid bar goer will gladly shoot you a pic or video of the line out front, the crowd inside, or of your significant other in the corner with his beautiful coworker. The college student who lives a block away will gladly go see if your significant other’s car is parked in front of the apartment of a female “friend” for a small bounty. The trout guide can make a few quick bucks by disclosing what size of fly to use, and you can get that isolated bit of information without buying a whole day of guiding. Someone who has owned your make and model of vintage motorcycle for decades will gladly give up their favorite oil for a few bucks. Someone who recently had their family’s property purchased by a certain land developer will happily tell you how much the land developer paid per acre if there is compensation for that information.
Would this level of availability of information be a tidal shift for modern society? Maybe. Is it probably inevitable over a long enough timeline given that there is a hi def video camera in every pocket? Yes. In the future, there will be no more secrets. You WON’T be able to park in front of your mistress’s house anymore. But, you WILL be able to get verifiable insider information on how much that land developer is really willing to pay your family. We’ll all just have to adjust our behavior to conform to a world with greater transparency. The only question is how we manage and allocate that information discovery and transparency. Army of Spies is a project aimed squarely at efficient market based allocation of information resources via the creation of a decentralized public blockchain-based global marketplace for information transactions. Army of Spies will not aim to facilitate any information transactions that might constitute, encourage, or aid criminal activity, illegal political espionage, illegal corporate espionage, or any other information transaction deemed illegal by U.S or European authorities. But, Army of Spies does aim to facilitate the erasure of non-mandatory information asymmetries.
Why Can’t Traditional Blockchain Oracles Provide ODAI Efficiently?
Oracle providers in the blockchain space have created wonderful projects like Chainlink and Ergo to provide a bridge between real world data and the blockchain world. However, these Oracle solutions are more appropriate for reaching readily available public information such as crypto prices, the weather, and who won the latest sporting event. When it comes to ODAI, there may only be a handful of people in the world with access to the ODAI. How many people have caught fish on your favorite stretch of your favorite river in the last few weeks since the temperature changed and know exactly what fly to use? How many people are in that club right now where you think your significant other is hanging out with their ex? How many people hold information about exactly which modern oil will not hurt the engine of your particular make and model of vintage motorcycle over the course of 100k miles? It also isn’t predictable who will hold ODAI and be able to provide it at the right time and how long it will take to identify someone who does have the ODAI.
Oracles and oracle pools can be easily constructed and operate efficiently where it is predictable where information will reside. An oracle who will provide data about who won the MMA fight on Saturday night can be easily identified ahead of time and incentivized to provide that answer. However, the ultimate best provider of ODAI is often comparatively unpredictable and is best identified through a highly decentralized bounty and curation model as used in Army of Spies. Being a traditional blockchain Oracle is a job undertaken as a routinized future information processing task. The provider of ODAI just happens to already have that information or just happens to be in a position to acquire it more easily than others. The magic of Army of Spies lies in efficiently creating an exchange of value between that person and someone willing to pay for the ODAI and curating possible multiple competing sources of that ODAI.
Why does Army of Spies Require Crypto?
Army of Spies is a crypto-mandatory project in that erasure of information asymmetry can only be carried out via a broadly decentralized system. This manifests itself in three broad themes.
1) Lack of centralized data storage is vital to avoidance of death by regulation. Parties seeking erasure of information asymmetry of any kind may easily find themselves in an adversarial relationship with state actors wielding the regulatory hammer. Such parties ultimately live under threat of seizure and shut down of their centralized data storage and processing. Just as cryptocurrency has only survived regulatory fatality via decentralization, so shall Army of Spies.
2) User confidence in Army of Spies is only be possible where there is no centralized data to be discovered by adverse parties. Private entities holding user data are regularly subpoened for such data by state actors. Centralized user data storage is also subject to the illicit acquisition of user data by bad actors through security exploits. In our modern litigious society, users also face completely legal discovery of their data via litigation by other private parties. Centralized servers are especially vulnerable to all three of these threats to user data. These combined weaknesses of centralized data storage mean that a system for transactions in obscure information can only operate efficiently on a decentralized basis.
3) Finally, adoption of the platform will not take hold if there is a chance the financial side of the information transaction could be reversed once the info is already conveyed. You can’t take back info you have already delivered to someone’s brain if they cancel their payment for that info after delivery. Immutability is king in transactions that remove information asymmetries. There needs to be a guarantee that the compensation will be delivered once the information is revealed.
The Army of Spies User Experience
Let’s get into the gritty details of how Army of Spies will actually work from the user perspective.
The Intel
As a user, you will decide that you want to know a secret (the “Intel”). This secret might be what size caddis fly you should use to catch brown trout on the Weber River this weekend, if your significant other is working or with his or her ex, or what type of modern oil you should really use in your vintage motorcycle.
The Intel Bounty
You will also decide how much that secret is worth to you. This amount (the “Intel Bounty”) is the sum that will go to the person providing you with the answer to your question. You will go to the Army of Spies website (www.armyofspies.net) which will list all the different topical categories under which your secret might fall (the “Intel Categories”). You will select the most appropriate Intel Category for seeking the Intel.
In eventual iterations of the website there may also be information listed about the particular curator (the “Curator”) of that Intel Category. There could be ratings and reviews of that Curator along with the number of successful Intel Bounties the Curator has completed, how quickly they are completed on average, and the average size in USD or ADA of the Intel Bounties completed by that Curator.
Once you have selected your preference as to a particular Intel Category, you will click on a link to navigate to the forum set up by the Curator for that Intel Category. You will be the person creating this particular Intel Bounty (the “Bounty Maker”). The forum setup by the Curator of the chosen Intel Category (the “Curation Forum”) will display the address of the smart contract (the “Smart Contract”) related to that Intel Category and Curator. You will send your Intel Bounty there in the chosen amount of ADA. You will then post your description of the Intel you are seeking (the “Intel Request”), the amount of the Intel Bounty you sent to the Smart Contract, and the ADA address from which you sent the Intel Bounty (for matching purposes). The Curator of that Intel Category will then confirm (using the ADA address you posted) that the stated Intel Bounty has actually been sent to the Smart Contract. This is where the Intel Source begins their work.
The Intel Source
Someone who knows the secret you are trying to uncover (an “Intel Source”) will then see your Intel Request and the Intel Bounty offered in the Curator’s Forum. The Intel Source will then post their proposed response to the Intel (the “Proposed Intel Response”) along with their ADA address. Their Proposed Intel Response and your Intel Request, will always be visible to everyone. There might also be other Proposed Intel Responses provided by other Intel Sources and they will also be visible to everyone. Not creating an “only the Bounty Maker can see the answers” architecture is intentional and probably key to adoption. New users will want to see the quality of Intel being provided before committing to pay a bounty for Intel in the same Intel Category.
The Curation Bounty
The Curator will be the ultimate judge and jury of which Intel Source wins the Intel Bounty (the “Winning Intel Source”). The Curator will also receive a share of the Intel Bounty (the “Curation Bounty”) equal to 10% of the Intel Bounty. The Curator will also act as moderator of the Curation Forum. The Curator will decide how long the Intel Bounty remains open and how many Intel Sources will be allowed to provide Proposed Intel Responses. The Curator will be able to promote his or her particular Curation Forum in whatever manner they wish. The Curator will also be strongly incentivized to provide a good experience to both Bounty Makers and Intel Sources alike since both will, in eventual iterations of the Army of Spies website, be able to review and rate the Curator for other Bounty Makers and Intel Sources to see. This same rating and review system will create a large disincentive for Curators to wrongly award Intel Bounties to undeserving Intel Sources or strawman sock puppet Intel Sources. This will discourage both dishonest curation and negligent curation by Curators. If either is happening, reviews and ratings will be negative and Bounty Makers and Intel Sources will just go to similar topical categories with better curation.
How Does One Become a Curator?
The Army of Spies website will sell non-fungible Cardano based tokens (“Curator NFTs”) corresponding to each Intel Category. The holder of the Curator NFT for each Intel Category will officially be the Curator of that Intel Category. The Smart Contract for each Intel Category will reference the Curator as whoever controls the address currently holding the relevant Curator NFT. So, the Curator position for each Intel Category will be easily transferable with the disposition of the relevant Curator NFT. Anyone seeking to buy a Curator NFT will simply search the Intel Category catalogue on the Army of Spies website. If the proposed Intel Category is not already taken or filtered as illegal by Army of Spies, the prospective Curator will be able to buy the desired Curator NFT. In the minimum viable product version of Army of Spies this will likely be done by contacting Army of Spies through the Army of Spies website and sending the prescribed amount of ADA for that Intel Category. In later iterations of Army of Spies, it is hoped that a more decentralized Smart Contract based purchase method will be developed.
The Intel Category corresponding to the Curator NFT will be strictly defined by the exact letters and numbers chosen by the prospective Curator as the name for the Intel Category. One person might choose to establish an Intel Category for “Tamarindo, Costa Rica Land Developers” while another might choose to establish an Intel Category for “Land Developers in Tamarindo, Costa Rica”. Both Intel Categories will be allowed and will correspond to different Curator NFTs that may be held by entirely different Curators. Both Intel Categories will appear in the list of topical categories on the Army of Spies website.
Upon purchase, the holder of the newly minted Curator NFT will be able to direct the link for that Intel Category to the Curation Forum setup by that particular Curator. Curators may choose to setup any type of forum they choose. This may be their own Subreddit, a self-hosted forum on a stand-alone website, or any other forum of their choice. It would be easy enough for Army of Spies to run centralized forums hosted on a controlled server. But, this would create a single centralized choke point that could be shut off by regulators and destroy the decentralized resilience of Army of Spies. Curators will also be able to promote their Curation Forum in any manner they want.
The Bounty to the Winning Intel Source
The Winning Intel Source would, of course, receive the remainder of the Intel Bounty which would be the Intel Bounty minus the Curation Bounty (i.e. 90% of the Intel Bounty).
Credentials and Evidence
Intel Sources may choose to bolster the strength of their Proposed Intel Response by providing evidence of credentials that would establish the veracity of their Proposed Intel Response. These credentials could be proof of education (e.g. here’s my diploma supporting that I’m an entomologist who knows what size flies are actually on the river right now), proof of expertise (e.g. here’s my Facebook account proving I’m a fishing guide who works on the Weber River every summer), or proof of experience (e.g. I’m not an expert on fishing but here’s a VLOG I did yesterday while catching a fish on the Weber River) .
In some cases, it may be more appropriate for Intel Sources to provide direct evidence of the Proposed Intel Response instead of credential based support for their answer. For example, the Bounty Maker who wants to know if her significant other is hanging out with his ex in a certain bar would probably happily accept a photo or video of her significant other furnished by an Intel Source. Likewise, the Bounty Maker who wants to know the length of the line in front of Bar X right now would probably prefer a video of the Intel Source in front of that line providing some proof of date and time as opposed to any Intel Source’s credentials as a bar line expert.
Credential and Evidence Challenges
In some cases, Curators may also wish to challenge the validity of any credentials offered by Intel Sources (e.g. that is not really your facebook account because I know of that guy) or any evidence furnished by the Intel Source (e.g. that wasn’t the line in front of Bar X tonight...that was Tuesday night...I know because the sign says 99 cent tacos and their website says that only happens on Tuesdays. Eventual iterations of Army of Spies, could even allow for Bounty Makers to offer an additional bounty (a “Credential Challenge Bounty”) for a Curator to disprove the credentials of an Intel Source.
Blacklisted Bounties
Army of Spies will not aim to facilitate any information transactions that might constitute, encourage, or aid criminal activity, terrorism, human rights violations, political espionage, or corporate espionage. To moderate these types of transactions in a decentralized system like Army of Spies, the Curator will have the ability to designate any Intel Bounty as a “Blacklisted Intel Bounty”. In such a case, the Intel Bounty will be returned to the Bounty Maker and the Intel Bounty and Bounty Maker will be moderated out of the Intel Category forum. If any Curator is refusing to designate illegal bounties as Blacklisted Intel Bounties, those elections will be reflected in the eventual ratings and reviews on the Army of Spies website and law abiding users will be able to avoid the topical categories controlled by such Curators.
Smart Contract & Curator NFT Architecture Considerations
At its core, Army of Spies will be run via Smart Contracts corresponding to each Intel Category. The initial intellectually tidy impulse would be to make every Intel Bounty its own smart contract. However, the rigor of constant automated Smart Contract generation for each new Intel Bounty in a distributed computing environment probably precludes such a scenario. Current thoughts revolve around a strategy of a single Smart Contract with inputs for each Intel Bounty creation and outputs for each Winning Intel Source and relevant Curator. Of course, this could create a significant “involuntary bug bounty” equivalent to the value of all Intel Bounties currently offered and residing in the smart contract. Initially, this risk can be mitigated by limiting the amount of any Intel Bounty to an amount of ADA equivalent to a low value such as $20. The Curator NFTs are planned to be created via the minting policy instructions laid out at:
https://developers.cardano.org/en/development-environments/native-tokens/how-to-use-multi-asset-tokens-in-the-cardano-node/.
Basic Adoption Strategy
The Army of Spies adoption strategy will be akin to that used by other NFT projects such as Unstoppable Domains and Decentraland. The buyers of the NFTs providing access to build on the ecosystem will also be the initial users of the assets built on the ecosystem. For example, a quick web search for news regarding Unstoppable Domains shows it has sold hundreds of thousands of NFTs corresponding to blockchain based domains in the last few years of its operations. Thousands of actual websites have been built on these domains. However, actual user demand to peruse these websites would probably be extremely scant if you didn’t count users who came into the ecosystem because they bought one of the NFTs corresponding to a domain or were considering it. People buy access to build on the ecosystem or at least to speculate on the NFT granting that right. Those same people then become the initial users of the things built on the ecosystem.
This could be seen of Decentraland on its initial launch as well. How many users were wondering around the Decentraland map on launch day who didn’t own some kind of NFT related to the project or weren’t at least taking a peek to decide if they should speculate on a LAND or an NFT based username or etc? We can only guess. But, probably not a gigantic percentage. The initial users were largely NFT owners or people deciding if they should buy an NFT related to the project. This usage of the project then drives more purchases of the various NFTs in the project (from hats, to usernames, to LANDS, to Estates) which then drives more usage which then drives more NFT purchases in a beautiful self-reinforcing cycle.
Army of Spies will be the same. Purchases of the Curator NFTs will be the spark that ignites the combustion that initially pushes the pistons. Whether purchasers are planning to build out an actual Curation Forum or just speculating on the NFT to sell it at a higher price down the road, those purchasers will likely also be the initial Bounty Makers and Intel Sources using Army of Spies.
To kick off this self-reinforcing cycle, Army of Spies could be marketed on an incremental grass roots basis by making simple organic explainer posts, one Subreddit at a time, in all types of topical Subreddits. These explainer posts would be tailored to each subreddit and describe how, for example, anyone in the “Porsche 911” subreddit could simply purchase the Curator NFT for “Porsche 911” and turn their interest and knowledge of the topic into a possible money making venture. Someone in the “Denver” subreddit might want to purchase the “LoDo Denver Bars” Curator NFT and curate bounties related to things happening in those bars.
Initial purchasers of the Curator NFTs will be making the acquisition as an investment in future access to the ecosystem. This future access characteristic of the purchase along with the decentralized ethos of the crypto space is likely to weigh in favor of an acceptance of the premise that Curators should host their own Curation Forums instead of some more centralized architecture.
Acceptance of this “do-it-yourself” approach is already exhibited by buyers of Decentraland Lands who would possibly have to build something on their lands and by Unstoppable Domains customers who would have to build out websites on top of their decentralized URLs. These purchasers are buying a piece of finite access to the ecosystem on a bet that the ecosystem will develop into something more or that someone will use that finite access to build something on that purchaser’s piece of the ecosystem. In the crypto/blockchain space these types of NFT products are actually a very attractive value proposition in that they present an already functioning consumer crypto product in an endless sea of thousands of blockchain coin products that only purport to one day serve as the rails on which functioning products would operate. Army of Spies will present the same value proposition in that a purchaser of a Curator NFT will be able to immediately set up their own forum and start trying to drive traffic there (in addition to whatever traffic they receive from the Army of Spies website) or they can simply hodl the Curator NFT until the ecosystem develops. You see many examples of both strategies with Decentraland “LANDS” NFT holders and Unstoppable Domain URL holders today.
The Army of Spies Smart Contract
Below is the Marlowe code for the current draft of the Army of Spies Smart Contract. This code can be viewed in a very visual Blockly format if dropped into the Marlowe Playground at https://alpha.marlowe.iohkdev.io/#/simulation.
When
[Case
(Choice
(ChoiceId
"Intel Bounty"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
)
[Bound 0 1]
)
(When
[Case
(Choice
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
)
[Bound 1 1000]
)
(When
[Case
(Deposit
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
)
(When
[Case
(Choice
(ChoiceId
"Curator Intel Source Selection"
(Role "Curator")
)
[Bound 0 1]
)
(If
(ValueEQ
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Curator Intel Source Selection"
(Role "Curator")
))
(Constant 1)
)
(When
[Case
(Choice
(ChoiceId
"Intel Source Claims Intel Bounty"
(Role "Intel Source")
)
[Bound 0 1]
)
(If
(ValueEQ
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Intel Source Claims Intel Bounty"
(Role "Intel Source")
))
(Constant 1)
)
(When
[Case
(Choice
(ChoiceId
"Confirm Intel Source Won"
(Role "Curator")
)
[Bound 0 1]
)
(If
(ValueEQ
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Confirm Intel Source Won"
(Role "Curator")
))
(Constant 1)
)
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Account (Role "Intel Source"))
(Token "" "")
(Scale
(9%10)
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
)
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Party (Role "Curator"))
(Token "" "")
(Scale
(1%10)
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
)
Close
)
)
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Account (Role "Bounty Maker"))
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
Close
)
)]
3500
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Party (Role "Bounty Maker"))
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
Close
)
)
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Party (Role "Bounty Maker"))
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
Close
)
)]
3000
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Party (Role "Bounty Maker"))
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
Close
)
)
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Party (Role "Bounty Maker"))
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
Close
)
)]
2500
(Pay
(Role "Bounty Maker")
(Party (Role "Bounty Maker"))
(Token "" "")
(ChoiceValue
(ChoiceId
"Bounty Amount"
(Role "Bounty Maker")
))
Close
)
)]
2000 Close
)]
1500 Close
)]
1000 Close
A Look Forward to a Potential Army of Spies 2.0
A Potential Future Army of Spies 2.0 with More Decentralized Curation within Topical Categories
The original vision for Army of Spies involved curation voting and curation staking by multiple curators even within a single Intel Category. Attempts were even made to model out this architecture in Marlowe. Eventually, the vision of the NFT Curator as detailed above won the day for Army of Spies 1.0. However, the original vision of curation voting and curation staking will be excerpted here for conceptual background on possible future deployment in an Army of Spies 2.0 evolution.
The Potential Army of Spies 2.0 Decentralized Curation Bounty & Curation Staking
In this model, there will be no NFT based curator, and other regular users perusing the forums (the “Curators”) will be allowed to vote on whether or not the intel provided is sufficient. Only an Intel Source receiving enough votes (a “Winning Intel Source”) will win his share of the Intel Bounty. The Curators will also receive a share of the Intel Bounty (the “Curation Bounty”) equal to 10% of the Intel Bounty for voting for the correct answer. To avoid the problem of straw man curators (i.e. an Intel Source creating a second, or third, or nth account to vote for his own intel even when it is obviously not sufficient to be the bounty winning intel), each Curator will be required to stake 1% of the Intel Bounty in order to vote (the “Curation Stake”). Curators who vote for an answer that does not get sufficient votes (the “Losing Curators”) will have their Curation Stake slashed. Curation Stake slashing will involve forfeiture of the Curation Stake and transfer of such stake to the Bounty Maker in majority with a small sliver going to AOS. Each Winning Curator will receive a share of the Curation Bounty equal to the Curation Bounty divided by the number of Winning Curators plus a return of their Curation Stake. In other words a Winning Curator can expect to receive a sum equal to the Intel Bounty divided by the number that is equal to the product of 10 multiplied by the number of Winning Curators. Such Winning Curator will also see a redemption of their Curation stake (which we have already defined above as 1% of the Intel Bounty). Let’s go back to our example of the fishing question and the 100 unit Intel Bounty. If there were five Winning Curators, the sum due to each Curator would be:
10 units/ 5 Winning Curators
= 2 units reward per Winning Curator
+ 1 unit as the return of their Curation Stake
= 3 units.
In order to further mitigate strawman curation, there will also be a second round of curation voting where no stake will be required. This second round will only happen when an Intel Source has already passed the first round. This round of curation voting will subject any strawman curators to the tyranny of the crowd. Here we will be leveraging outrage culture. If anything is true of the online landscape today, it is that people love to call other people out for breaking the rules. So, we will allow a larger number of people to vote in this second round and they will not be required to put up a stake to do so. In this “tyranny of the crowd round”, the voters will only be allowed to vote against the result obtained in the first round. Since the second round only happens if an Intel Source passes the first round, this means that in the second round, votes can only be cast against the particular Intel Source.
If dishonest curation is still occuring under this system, the Curation Stake could also always be increased until an optimum balance is struck between deterrence of dishonest curation and participation in curation.
So, in summary, curation voting will look like this:

1. a first round of staked curation voting;
2. if the Intel Source doesn’t receive sufficient votes in the first round, that Intel Source has lost and is out;
3. if the Intel Source does receive sufficient votes in the first round, he or she progresses to the second round;
4. this second “tyranny of the crowd” round will be unstaked and votes can only be cast AGAINST the particular Intel Source; and
5. the Intel Source has reached the finish line and will collect the Intel Bounty if there are not sufficient votes against the Intel Source in the second round.

Army of Spies 2.0 Curation and Intel Provision Rankings
In order to further incentivise honest curation, the AOS platform could eventually also display the number of times any given Curator has been a Winning Curator along with the number of times that Curator has been a Losing Curator. Likewise, all Intel Sources will have a ranking showing how many times they have been a Winning Intel Source and the number of times they have been an Intel Source who did not get the highest number of curation votes (a “Losing Intel Source”). These rankings will be shown to other users giving curation votes so that they can take into account the credibility of the Intel Source and the other Curators voting for a particular Intel Source.
Army of Spies 2.0 Blacklisted Transactions Bounties
Army of Spies will not facilitate any information transactions that might constitute, encourage, or aid criminal activity, terrorism, human rights violations, political espionage, or corporate espionage. To moderate these types of transactions in a decentralized system like Army of Spies, there will have to be a bounty for identification of any “Blacklisted Intel Bounty” to incentivise Curators to flag such Intel Bounties. To avoid the strawman curator issue with such Blacklisted Intel Bounties (i.e. the Bounty Maker creating sock puppets to get an illegitimate Intel Bounty past the Blacklist Curation), the Curator who wins the bounty for flagging a Blacklisted Intel Bounty (a “Successful Blacklister”) will be randomly selected from the whole cohort of Curators who vote for the flagging of any particular Intel Bounty. The Blacklist Voting will also involve a “tyranny of the crowd” vote where an Intel Bounty that has passed the first round of BlackList voting can still be blacklisted by non-staking voters who can only vote against the Intel Bounty but not in favor of it passing. The Blacklisted Intel Bounty will be equivalent to a percentage of the Intel Bounty posted by the Bounty Maker. Another sliver of the Intel Bounty will also be forfeited to AOS. This will mean that the Bounty Maker would forfeit some or all of the offered bounty with no info in return. Flagging of Blacklisted Intel Bounties will require the normal Curation Stake of 1% of the Intel Bounty. The Curation Stake of Curators who attempt to dishonestly or inaccurately identify a Blacklisted Intel Bounty (i.e they voted to Blacklist but the group decided otherwise) would then go to the Bounty Maker with a sliver going to Army of Spies..
Proposed Utilization of Funds
Any funds awarded to Army of Spies in Project Catalyst Fund 3 will be used to procure the services of devolopers who can assist with smart contract development, the NFT minting policy, web development, and the overarching architecture connecting all the pieces. While the current team has been dabbling in Marlowe (and a tiny bit in Plutus) for the last few years, they would like to benefit from the expertise of someone close to IOHK or Emurgo or otherwise qualified to tell them what they are missing and help solve the inevitable problems that will be discovered. The Fortune 500 procurement experience of one of the current team members is expected to be very valuable in obtaining these services in a timely fashion and at prudent costs.
Roadmap
Milestone 1
-Refine Curator NFT Concept and Marlowe smart contract.
-Refine architecture for the interaction of the various roles with the Marlowe contract.
-Procure services of developers to fill any missing gaps between NFT minting policy, smart contract, and website.
Milestone 2
-Buildout AOS website with: 1) functionality for NFT Sales; 2) catalogue of topical categories; and 3) explainer and other marketing content.
-Begin Curator recruitment by using organic Subreddit by Subreddit posts.
Milestone 3
-Slowly bootstrap adoption by focusing on Curator recruitment, one subreddit at a time.
-Market directly in any and all suitable subreddits for potential Curators matching that topical interest category.

https://www.reddit.com/Eve/comments/iisc4n/a_thiefs_journal_prologue_waking_up_again - Prologue
Week 1: 4/11 - 4/18/2020
​
Well we are off to a good start. After a picking out our regions, we got to work scouting structures. It didn't take too long before everyone was set up, not nearly as long as I thought it would.
I'm going to try to keep track of any activity on grid with the unanchoring structures but sometimes there just isn't any activity at all.
Agal - Industrial (Star Serpent Corporation)Found: 4/10 10:55pmUnanchored: 4/11 6:17pmStructure: RaitaruSold: 493,833,000 iskScooped: Shamus+++++Star Serpent, the owner and CEO, was there at the structure waiting for it to unanchor. Apparently he didn't know that the structure popped 50km away from him, when he needs to be within 2,500m to scoop it. I say this because he was slow boating to it. I had warped straight to the compressed Raitaru and scooped it right from under his nose.
I then talked with him and gave him some tips about how to do it better next time. He seemed like a good guy that really just didn't know much about structures and how they worked. We added each other to contacts to keep in touch, in case he ever needs my services or advice. He is the kind of pilot we need here in New Eden, one that can take a loss and not give up.
Sadly though, he stopped unanchoring his Athanor that was on grid.+++++
​
Bherdasopt - Public Refinery (Low Tax Mission Snax)Found: 4/7 10:28pmUnanchored: 4/12 1:05pmStructure: AthanorSold: 772,420,500 iskScooped: Gendrath+++++Thought that this one would come out on Tuesday, and I had found it the first day of unanchoring, I'm glad I was off today and watching the controls. No one was on grid but man it still gets my heart pumping as much as if someone was on grid. It doesn't last as long though. Great present for Easter Sunday, I do call them eggs when they pop unanchored. Beautiful little eggs...+++++
​
Ebasez - UT Station (Uranian Technologies)Found: 4/10 5:23pmUnanchored: 4/12 3:48pmStructure: AstrahusSold: 918,850,000 iskScooped: Shamus++++Shivaitee, the station owner showed up as it popped but he warped to the old saved location and was 38km away from the Astrahus when I landed next to its compressed egg. Second one for Easter Sunday.
Mmmm it's kind of nice to scoop up an Astrahus, they are the most expensive of the medium structures. He didn't take it too well that I was reclaiming his structure and told me to go fuck myself multiple times. I offered to teach him how to do it properly, but he said "I Need no lessons from a thief!" and told me yet again to go fuck myself. Probably one of the saltier ones that I've had so far.+++++
​
Pashanai - SHSLC - Maquro (Sashimi Holdings LLC)Found: 4/8 11:32pmUnanchored: 4/13 6:50amStructure: AthanorSold: 742,900,000 iskScooped: Zaphire+++++Woke up after server reset to log back in the characters and while loading in Zaphire I noticed the Athanor she was watching had popped, there is a hanger container and a shuttle on grid. Ok its a shuttle no worries, I initiate warp to the egg and a Tayra shows up on grid while I'm in warp, he is right on grid with the Athanor! But instead of scooping it first he goes for the hangar container! I scoop the Athanor and warp off, dock up and disconnect.
I think that this station belonged to some old alliance friends that destroyed my once great Moon mining empire. One by one as they leave I will be there to scoop their structures. Also the fact that this one was a wake up and instant scoop leads me to believe in my instincts even more. If I had been any slower I would have missed this one. Seconds count in this profession+++++
​
Zimse - Core (MM Holdings)Found: 4/13 10:21pmUnanchored: 4/15 4:43pmStructure: AthanorSold: 767,435,250 iskScooped: Shamus+++++I found a new method of notification for the structures when they finish unanchoring with this Athanor. I tried putting a single item the station so I'd get a notification of item movement to Asset Safety when the station unanchors. I was right! It notifies you not 30s after it pops and becomes scoop-able. I was in Munory, which is a system over, when this one popped and I am surprised I made in and was able to scoop it. I landed on grid with 2 other ships, One Vagabond and one Tayra.
I Thought I was going to miss it to the Tayra but I was able to land and scoop it before they were, the Vagabond had me targeted but didn't attack or anything, which is interesting. I wonder if the Praxis I am flying is a deterrent. I made it to a station safe and sound to unload the compressed station.
Man what a rush; awesome to know that it is a near instant notification that your items are being transferred to asset safety. Sadly at his next Athanor he brought 4 other battleships to defend it. I decided to leave that one be and not test the bounds of my ship+++++
​
Bania - Deep Thought (42 Deep Thought Industries)Found: 4/12 2:36pmUnanchored: 4/17 Missed+++++Missed this one due to work, left @ 10am, returned at 5pm, empty grid, I bet it was around lunch time. Maybe I should take the tablet to work to monitor during lunch? For the moment though, missing one here and there when earning real world money isn't so bad. With the new method of alarming the structures I am able to camp whole systems that are small enough.
Zimse for example, has 4 unanchoring and is less than 14au across. Allowing you to pop around system, while you wait for the structure to pop. once it does, D-Scan the system and warp to the egg.+++++
​
4/17/20209:41pmLooking though other battleships and fits, the Praxis is really the only one that can fit a structure in it and still have a decent align time. The only other one with anywhere enough space is the Megathron but it aligns twice as slow as the Praxis, so it is the only viable battleship to scoop with.
4/18/20201:37amLooking through Industrial ships to see if there are any other viable options and @ max skills I got one down to 3.88s align time. Badger it does require lvl V Caldari Industrial (I - V 20day @ 34.5sp/m) to be that fast and have enough cargo space for a small structure. This will be Zaphires' new ship since she has the max skills to fly the thing. will be super nice knowing she is that slippery. Sadly it is a fit for Omega Scooper Pilots only.
​
Zimse - 05 moon (ind Corporation of Moon Hellcat)Found: 4/13 10:22pmUnanchored: 4/18 9:35amStructure: AthanorSold: 796,662,500 iskScooped: Shamus+++++I warped to the egg after it had popped, thanks to the new notification method. I landed on grid with an Orca and an Iteron mk V. The Iteron V was 9,000km and closing away from the structures egg when I landed on grid, I was able to scoop it, warp off and drop into another station safely to wait out the suspect timer.
I did miss one 30 minutes ago though sadly, we will see how many we can get by days end.
I played the SalvageReclaimer a bit more with this corporation.+++++
​
+++++Private Chat Logs+++++
tyrish Thellere > Hi
Shamus O'neal > o/
Shamus O'neal > whats up?
tyrish Thellere > You recently talked to Nickolas F Hunt I advise you to return the stolen otherwise you will have problems
Shamus O'neal > Stolen? I'm sorry but i have a work order for the reclamation of unwanted structure 73169-f in Zimse, if this work order was filed in error, a fee of 750mil is required to get the structure out of impound
tyrish Thellere > Who made this order?
Shamus O'neal > Anon-469 on the 13th of the month
tyrish Thellere > Do you understand that in case of failure you will be ordered?
Shamus O'neal > I think you are failing to understand, I acknowledge I have your structure, I acknowledge that you want it back, but i cannot comply without the processing fee of 750mil to return the structure out of impound.
+++++
Haron F Hunt > Hello pic maker, you have an hour to bring station back or u will be illuminated. I'm just saying a fact
Shamus O'neal > :) processing fee of 750,000,000isk is required my friend. Work order 73169-f has been completed and a processing fee is required to remove the structure Zimse - 05 moon (ind Corporation of Moon Hellcat) from impound and adoption
Shamus O'neal > ooooh we already have someone looking to adopt your structure for 800mil, I can hold the adoption papers for a moment if you would like to get it out of impound
Shamus O'neal > Failure to pay the processing fee has seen your athanor adopted into a new home, I hope you treat your things better next time+++++
Work Order 73169-f from Anon-469, ha! I tried to give it back to them for a 750,000,000 isk processing fee
They brought 13 ships (78.3mil) to try to kill me! Didn't pop the praxis though, they had me in hull by the time Concord detected their aggression and proceeded to vaporize the ships they were flying.
I put their kill rights up for 10mil(changed to 25) each so hopefully that'll do some damage and get used, +130mil(295mil) for me.
+++++Your kill right was usedFrom: CONCORDSent: 2020.04.18 20:22
Mantoptera Bogomol has been killed using your kill right. The kill right you had on this capsuleer has now been removed.+++++
Mantoptera Bogomol was one of the guys that tried to suicide gank me after stealing 05 moon.
​
Successful Kill rights so farLaavainell Makanen: No Kill report avaliable - 10mil Kill rightMantoptera Bogomol (Drekavac) - https://zkillboard.com/kill/83464280/ 10mil Kill RightAlexander Hennesy (Tayra) - https://zkillboard.com/kill/83466889/ 25mil Kill RightUnnamedPlayer (Gila) 2x25mil Kill Right - https://zkillboard.com/kill/83492986/Kiril Deninard (Moa) 2x25mil Kill Right - https://zkillboard.com/kill/83549109/L82 - 10mil Kill Right but no killRoman Asder (Drekavac) - 25mil Kill Right - https://zkillboard.com/kill/83623283/
​
2020.04.24 17:22 Kill Right 25,000,000 ISK God Emperor Kane bought kill right on Roman Asder from Shamus O'neal2020.04.21 18:43 Kill Right 25,000,000 ISK Omar Chimera bought kill right on Kiril Deninard from Shamus O'neal2020.04.21 18:13 Kill Right 25,000,000 ISK Bot Model1000 bought kill right on Kiril Deninard from Shamus O'neal2020.04.19 16:57 Kill Right 25,000,000 ISK Frikkoso bought kill right on UnnamedPlayer from Shamus O'neal2020.04.19 10:03 Kill Right 25,000,000 ISK Giges Thellere bought kill right on UnnamedPlayer from Shamus O'neal2020.04.18 21:40 Kill Right 25,000,000 ISK Cargo Bandit bought kill right on Alexander Hennesy from Shamus O'neal2020.04.18 20:21 Kill Right 10,000,000 ISK DerpimusPrime Aihaken bought kill right on Mantoptera Bogomol from Shamus O'neal2020.04.18 20:00 Kill Right 10,000,000 ISK Mister Peking bought kill right on L82 from Shamus O'neal2020.04.18 19:58 Kill Right 10,000,000 ISK MacGybo bought kill right on Laavainell Makanen from Shamus O'neal
Total so far: 180mil from Kill Rights from Buying and not completing, them being slippery earns me more money!!+++++
​
Zimse - 04 moon (ind Corporation of Moon Hellcat)Found: 4/13 10:28pmUnanchored: 4/18 1:05pmStructure: AthanorSold: 796,662,500 iskScooped: Shamus+++++They were protecting it with their fleet on grid, all their suicide ships and even some actual combat ships, I warped to the egg, aligned out, made speed, scooped, warped and the chase was on. I miss-clicked a gate instead of a structure and tried to U-turn; big mistake that turned out to be, they caught me on the gate as I tried to jump to a structure in system. I guess instead I'll have to jump the gate and try again on the other side.
The Stargate wormhole spit me out into the next system, where I don't think my controls were responding correctly and I was sitting there aligning for a moment, mashing on the warp command in a fury. It finally responded and I entered warp headed to; another gate, damn. Lets do another U-turn to the first structure on overview. Few moments pause while I'm aligning to the nearest structure, as my heart is beating out of the clones chest.
Time seemed to slow here and the 8 second align time that this battleship has felt more like the align time of a transporters freighter. I'm finally into warp headed in a safe direction and this cat and mouse game can come to an end.
"Whooo! what a rush!" I scream into local chat "Man! Better than cocaine!!!!"+++++
Man that was a ton of fun and totally worth it! God damn, here I am 10 minutes later still with the shakes and heart pounding, god damn the Praxis is a good fit for this line of work. glad I could save this one from the dust.
​
4/18/20202:27pmMan I still have the shakes from that last encounter, what a rush!!! I'm very impressed with the Praxis and now I'm more confident that even if someone is defending and on grid I have a good chance of scooping it and getting away safely.
That's 2 Athanors for today and in total 4 structures in the Praxis, I'd call that a staggering success for a battleship used for stealing structures. should have used Gendrath on the 4th structure, he was there in system and the defense fleet was following me. Would have snagged a 3rd today I bet.
​
6:40pmThe rush is finally calming down. Wow that really was some amazing content and I am super surprised that;

1. The Praxis survived the suicide run attempt
2. I scooped it right out from under the whole fleet they had waiting to defend it
3. I made it away safely
4. That it was done on an alpha clone

*Shout out to this corporation for having some balls to try to protect their structure* (ind Corporation of Moon Hellcat)
​
First Week 4/11/2020 - 4/18/2020Astrahus:[1] Athanor:[5] Raitaru:[1]Gendrath:[1] Shamus:[5] Zaphire:[1]
Net Gain: 5,393,763,750 iskNet Loss: 0 isk
​
What a week it has been! 5.3 Billion Isk in the bank!! So many things learned, so early on, that can only make for a more successful journey and business venture. The notification system, the hardiness and speed of the Alpha Praxis, the speed of the Badger. All compared to what I used to run in the Iteron mk V. such a slow boat it feels like now.
Had the most exhilarating scoop to date including before this play through of eve. Survived a Suicide gank of 13 people; and then subsequently scooped a structure from under the same 13 + 3 others including a Tengu.
https://zkillboard.com/b118498/- Missing one ship from the attempted suicide runhttps://evepraisal.com/a/qea01 - Estimated value of Reclaimed Structures before taxes and fees
+++++
This has been Week 1 of 12. I hope you guys enjoy the sticky fingered adventures of the Valkson clan
Week 2: https://www.reddit.com/Eve/comments/inryh5/a_thiefs_journal_week_2_holy_space_cow/
Edit: Formatting againEdit2: Formatting again..

I hope you all have taken full advantage of the past 48 hours or so to regain some sense of normalcy after our adventures through Part 1 of Kelly Killoren Bensimon's I Can Make You Hot! Without further ado, Part Two:
I resume my journey through the truly incomprehensible mind of Kelly Bensimon with a chapter entitled, "Thursday: Tricks of My Trade." Now that we've learned about the basic building blocks of hotness, Kelly promises to share even more hard-earned advice to help us really kick things up a notch. And, as she reassures us:

I'm actually glad for the mistakes I've made because anyone who doesn't make mistakes doesn't learn, and if you don't learn, you're boring!

And if you're boring, you're not HOT! I think I'm starting to get the hang of this!
One of Kelly's most important life lessons came at her first horse show, when she made an unbelievably devastating misstep: "I decided to have an egg on a bagel from the food-service van." What kind of unimaginable ripple effects did this poor decision set off? I continue on to learn that Kelly "did all right in the competition." And…that's literally the whole story. Kelly legitimately refers to this as "one of my biggest lessons," as it taught her "to never eat more than I normally would." If life-changing breakthroughs were this easily sparked in my own life, I can't even begin to imagine how self-actualized I would be at this point.
At this point in my reading, I have reached the book's first insert, which contains about a dozen glossy color photos from various phases of Kelly's life. Unfortunately, I am far too preoccupied by this picture, in which a carefree, wind-swept Kelly clenches her infant daughter under one arm with all the grace of an NFL wide receiver, to pay the rest of the spread much mind.
We continue on as Kelly introduces new dimensions to the basic tips she's previously introduced. For example, you may have had some vague idea that water was important, but Kelly -- always there to help us learn and improve -- digs into the specifics to make sure we're up to date on the HOTtest tricks of the trade:

Staying hydrated is important no matter what you're doing, so I always try to drink eight glasses or about a liter of water a day. Soda isn't water. Coffee isn't water. Water is water. Drink throughout the day; don't try to get it all down at once. You wouldn't drown an orchid, so don't drown yourself.

I am putting in my formal request for a Public Service Announcement in this format, but using the last line of that passage. Also, Kelly clearly does not know how poorly I tend to my houseplants.
The next page informs us that, "hot isn't just caliente; it's also spicy and sultry." Kelly promptly launches into yet another list of miscellaneous grocery items, this time focused specifically on "red-hot foods." Except it includes entries like "popcorn with sugar and cinnamon," and "Mike and Ike candy," so I'm not convinced Kelly didn't just lose track of the thread entirely by the time we got a few items in. However, this does seem like an appropriate time to introduce this picture, from the book's second photo insert, which clearly depicts the sleep paralysis demon that has haunted my dreams for the past several nights. We're also treated to this chapter's first "hot button issue" panel, in which Kelly pulls back the curtain on the shadowy, pro-salt cabal trying to control us all with their anti-sodium legislative agenda:

We keep reading about how bad sodium is for our health, but if you eat fresh foods that you prepare yourself, you can determine and control the amount of salt you want to use. I, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, am perfectly capable of deciding how much salt I want to put on my food. I don't need anyone else to salt my food for me. I know that the amount of salt I choose to sprinkle on my food is not going to hurt me.

I read on to find a two-page spread in which Kelly expounds, in rhapsodic praise to rival that of Song of Solomon, upon her ardor for her beloved dehydrator -- "I though I was in love with coffee, but now I think my dehydrator is my truest love." Most of the passage is taken up by an unstructured list of the various things Kelly has attempted to dehydrate ("cucumber," "mangoes," "avocado") but she does manage to squeeze in a few infomercial-ready lines -- "Really, you should buy one; I promise you won't be sorry."
Since repetition is the key to reinforcing new concepts, I appreciate that Kelly's next list (of "a few more lean tricks I've learned along the way") repeats a note she originally relayed to us just a few pages ago:

Drink water throughout the day (not all at one sitting).

She's also been thoughtful enough to provide a list of resources for us to use as we soldier on along the perilous journey to HOT. After all, as Kelly says, "I don’t expect you to carry this book wherever you go -- as much as I would love that." As someone who has never before ventured into the wild world of cyberspace, I really appreciated Kelly introducing me to so many fun, useful websites that I might want to check out! In case you, too, just haven't figured out how to navigate this whole Internet thing, I've included a few examples below:

www.amazon.com
One-stop shopping for just about any book, periodical, or product you might want to read or buy in order to get HOT.

​

www.espn.com
Everything you need to know to stay up to date on any sport.

​

www.webmd.com
Useful, up-to-date, trustworthy information on medical and health issues.

​

www.yummly.com
Claims to have "every recipe in the world"

Can't wait to check these out later! That Amazon one sounds super cool!
I'm reminded quickly just how inelegant the transitions in this book are as we move directly from that list into the following:

I suggest that you take a picture of yourself every day…Some days when you're feeling your fattest, you may be surprised to see that you really look great.

Okay, so fat is NOT HOT. Except being comfortable in your body is HOT. And trying to be skinny is NOT HOT. But being skinny is HOT. Thank goodness I still have a few more chapters to go -- I clearly still have a ways to go before I truly understand the logic of HOTness. As it stands, I must admit that I'm a bit baffled.
Of course, returning to the previous bit of advice, Kelly doesn't actually have to worry about taking her own pictures like us plebeians -- "Having been photographed so often has provided me with a permanent retrospective catalogue of my life." The chapter closes with these words of wisdom:

The best kind of vanity is being vain about what you put in your body.

Friday's chapter promises to introduce us to the world of "Hot Couture," and I am excited to see what tips and tricks Kelly has managed to accrue over her lifetime in the cutthroat world of modeling . But first, we abruptly transition to a story about Kelly meeting Madonna shortly after both women had given birth. Kelly had "gained a healthy fifty pounds," which I am led to believe, from the context of the anecdote, is NOT HOT. Madonna, on the other hand, was "flat-stomached" and therefore "HOT and cool." Of course, Kelly reassures us hurriedly that she lost all the weight within the following six weeks and was "actually thinner than I'd been prepregnancy." I am at an utter loss as to what the point of this story could possibly be, but -- blessedly -- Kelly is gracious enough to explain:

So what's the lesson here? That Madonna had personal trainers and chefs to whip her back into shape, and I didn't -- and still don’t. I shouldn't have been comparing myself to her in the first place. My advice to you is: don’t compare yourself to anyone else, only to your own personal best.

This is a perfect example of something Kelly does throughout this book, which is to present a completely reasonable piece of advice (don’t compare yourself to others), but couched within such a bizarre and logically disorganized narrative that by the time I reach the ultimate moral of the story, my brain feels like it's been run through a series of meat grinders, and I'm reduced to just nodding along in bemused acceptance.
We get a "Kelly's Cardinal Rule" reminding us to "let your body be what your body is and be happy with what you've got." I'm starting to wonder if there is some sort of Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde thing going on behind the scenes here, in which two versions of Kelly are frantically grappling over control of the book's body-positivity dial. I'm literally don't even have to flip the page to see Kelly commiserating with us that "we all have days or occasions when we feel fat" and quipping about her "go-to fat outfit." But also:

Stop praying for what you don't have and be grateful for what you've got.

This amount of cognitive dissonance is truly proof that Kelly contains multitudes. Or has recently acquired some sort of debilitating short-term amnesia. Nevertheless, we continue:

But whatever your shape, show it off. Don’t try to hide it. Hiding is not hot.

Kelly next walks us through figuring out which "season" we are, based on the wisdom extolled in "Color Me Beautiful, the groundbreaking book that was so wildly successful in the early 80s." It's no surprise to me that Kelly, who earlier encouraged us to make our lives easier by using our PDAs, finds this to be an exciting new trend to share. Also, in case you weren't aware, "hair color is also important. You can lighten it or darken it or cover the gray." Lighten it or darken it? The boundaries of my mental universe are truly expanding.
Some more fashion tidbits:

Scarves are hippie chic, cool, and always HOT.

​

If you're narrow, show off how narrow you are with a monochromatic palette.

​

Ankles are the new cleavage!

Narrow ankles only, I presume. Kelly's selfless, giving nature is highlighted yet again in the following passage, in which she explains:

All these celebrities have stylists who pull the clothes, accessories, and shoes that make them look the way they do. They charge a lot of money for what they do, so why not get some free advice based on my experience.

And what, pray tell, is this coveted advice that Kelly is so lovingly sharing with her readers, free of charge?

1. Save sweatpants for the gym.
   
2. Save PJs for the bedroom.
   
3. Dress as if you were the boss.
   
4. Remember what Carrie Bradshaw says: "Nothing is casual anymore, even when it says so on the invitation."
   
5. Manolo Blahniks are a girl's best friend.
   

Okay, so far be it from me to complain about the quality of free advice. But. Out of the five pearls of wisdom that make up the "KKBStyle Rules," two of them are rudimentary instructions to wear somewhat-situationally-appropriate clothing, and the other three are the kind of cute sayings that you would find on a piece of poorly bedazzled wall art in the clearance aisle of your local TJMaxx. I'm not impressed.
Kelly next tells us how important it is to eat well and exercise, even "when you're premenstrual or having your period." That way, as she continues on, "you'll feel better because your endorphins will be flowing while your body is sloughing off unwanted endometrium and mucus." To be fair, Unwanted Endometrium does sound like a sick band name.
Thankfully, the mental image of Kelly's mucus slough is promptly booted from my mind by a careening diatribe about the color red (HOT!):

I even painted my nails red the minute I started writing this book. I wanted to see my short red nails tapping away on my Macbook Pro. Almost every red dress is smokin' HOT, and I've never met a guy who doesn't think a woman in a red dress isn't hot. He's a liar if he denies it.

To repeat, Kelly says she's "never met a guy who doesn’t think a woman in a red dress isn't hot." Poor dear got a bit carried away with her negatives, but I'm sure she'll redeem herself in no time:

When I was sitting in the front row of a Marc Jacobs fashion show a few years ago, I wore a full, red short skirt, a tight red sweater, and red open-toed shoes. One of the editors from The New York Times was sitting across from me, and as we were waiting for the show to begin I kept crossing and recrossing my legs to make him laugh.

Sure, Kelly. To make him laugh. I can only assume she must have written some kind of hilariously clever joke on the gusset of her underwear to have had this editor so tickled pink red.

It was a long wait and after a while some guy I didn't know who was at the other end of the row, leapt towards me and screamed that he was obsessed with my feet. How crazy is it that red open-toed shoes and red toenails could create such a reaction. Red is HOT, even stalker HOT. Yikes!

I'm not clear where "stalker HOT" fits into this whole complex web, but it's reassuring to know that a wise soul like Kelly has such a nuanced appreciation of all of the different ways to be hot. She also gives us some "HOT tips for heating up your image." Like,

Put on a pair of jeans and a white tee shirt.

​

Put your hair in a ponytail.

​

Put on a pair of hoop earrings.

And also

Wear your jeans a size smaller instead of a size larger.

For some reason not entirely clear to me at this moment, wearing jeans in your actual size does not seem to be an option.
The chapter continues with a reminder to "remember what's on top of your head!"

There's nothing hotter than a HOT head of hair (unless it's a hunky bald guy).

Kelly follows up by offering a list of what she calls "HOT healthy options." Based on the preceding paragraph, you might assume that these tips would have something to do with haircare and hair styling. However, you would be wrong. Instead, we're instructed to:

Enjoy as much watermelon as you like.

​

Pack a picnic lunch of dehydrated fruit, chamomile iced tea, and mini pizzas made with corn tortillas, cherry tomatoes, and mozzarella cheese. Eat your picnic in the park.

​

Come up with something fun you want to try and do it!

Personally, it seems like a bit of a cop-out to make one of the items on your list of fun things to do "make up your own fun thing to do." But who knows? Maybe cop-outs are HOT!
Before my faith in our fearless leader starts to waver, however, I read on through the end of the chapter, and my surety is promptly restored:

Besides my hair and my legs, the one thing people always ask me about the way I look is how I keep my teeth so white. And yes, that's also a matter of genetics. I'm blessed with the whitest teeth on the planet, and, no, I've never had them professionally bleached.

The weekend begins as I turn the page to the penultimate chapter -- "Saturday: Heat Up Your HOT Image with Healthy Options Today." Saturdays, as Kelly tells us, are for fun activities. For example:

If you're in the mall, go to different stores and figure out which looks will make you HOT. Ask other shoppers for advice.

Also:

Parks are great for people-watching. Who looks fit and healthy?

I sincerely hope that any and all of my friends would give me a stern talking-to if I informed them that my weekend plans consisted of going to a park and…pointing out people I think aren't healthy enough?
Kelly then warns us against overindulging on late-night snacks or alcoholic beverages, lest we wake up Sunday feeling "bloating, sluggish, and with deep regrets." Presumably, Kelly then proceeded to rail a massive line of cocaine and hammer out the following frenetic spiel:

You're not going to get fat from having a few drinks a week. You will get fat if your routine is to drink, eat late, and then lie around watching television the next day, eating and making bad food choices. Going out is fun, but when you sacrifice the next day, it's never fun enough. Don't have regrets; enjoy every day. This is a life plan, and yesterday isn't coming back ever again.

The chapter comes to a close with a reminder to "wrap up every day with a great big bow and be ready for your next adventure. But before we close out our week of HOT, we're provided with what I anticipate will be an incredibly useful reference material for us all, the "KKBfit HOT Quiz." If you'd like to take the quiz yourself, you can find it here. However, I'm not entirely sure I would classify it as a "quiz," since it seems to be mostly a set of questions followed by Kelly's feedback on various possible responses. For example:

1. How Kelly Green are you?

I had a Kelly Green Juice -- Wasn't it yummy?
I had a smoothie from the health food store with a splash of spinach -- Great choice!
I had kale chips, spinach, and quinoa for dinner last night -- I bet you woke up feeling great this morning!
Other?

I presume that the lack of response after the "Other?" choice is supposed to represent Kelly staring at me in deranged disappointment for a few painfully protracted seconds. Some questions, like the one above, don't seem to have any wrong answers at all. In contrast, other questions have clear wrong answers, which Kelly wastes no time in making apparent:

1. Are you getting enough protein? How many days did you eat chicken, fish, or meat for at least one meal?

I had a grilled chicken salad for dinner on three different days -- That's good, but I wish you'd get a little more adventurous in your choices.

​

1. How KKBfit are you?

Haven't had a meal since last night, but I'm going to skip breakfast and go on a run. I won't eat anything until lunch. -- Sorry, but starving your body is not KKBfit.

​

1. Are you drinking enough?

I drink when I'm exercising but that's about it -- Not good enough! Try harder next week.

The quiz ends, leaving me entirely unsure of whether or not I've actually made any forward progress towards my HOTness goals, but the next page does promise help for those who "still need more inspiration." Here, it seems that Kelly has compiled a loose assortment of quotes, most of which (I have a sneaking suspicion) were found by searching the keyword "hot" on BrainyQuote.com. Also, this masterpiece from Kelly's ex-husband, noted fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon:

HOT--
It is not about the look,
It is not only about the charm,
It is the perfect combination:
Sweet and tough,
Sexy and reserved,
Fragile and powerful,
And definitely smart.
-- Gilles Bensimon

Move over, Rupi Kaur! I hope with every fiber of my being that Gilles Bensimon has published his collected poetry in some kind of volume that I could purchase, read, and have, I'm sure, nothing but positive things to say about. After about a dozen similar quotations, Kelly continues:

Now, as you get ready for Sunday Funday, take a few minutes to think about how you define HOT. Has your definition changed or evolved since you started reading this book? If so, I'm doing my job.

In all honesty, my definition of HOT has definitely been…affected by this experience. So we'll call that a win! Kelly tells us a few stories about times when her friends and family members have come to her for guidance on how to be hot. She explains:

I'm not the food police, but I've made myself the Sven-arbiter (as opposed to Svengali) of what's HOT and what's not.

Case in point:

It's just not hot to belong to the clean plate club.

The chapter closes with a list titled "Why Don't You," which I believe is supposed to be a list of fun activities we can try during a Sunday Funday. Or possibly a list of terrible life hacks for stoned college freshmen:

Use an electric teapot as a clothing steamer.

​

Make grilled cheese sandwiches or press wraps using a hot clothes iron.

There are very few things sadder to me that imagining someone taking Kelly up on this last bit of advice as a fun way to liven up what must be the most preternaturally boring existence possible. If your idea of fun is white bread and Kraft Singles getting slowly warmed over on your clothing iron, I can only imagine the fit of hysterics that you'd be thrown into by a passable Minions meme.
And that brings us to the end of the week. But not -- lucky you! -- to the end of this book. Au contraire -- the remaining 100 pages or so of I Can Make You Hot! feature dozens of unique recipes from the culinary mind of none other than the indomitable Kelly Bensimon herself. In her intro, however, she makes it clear that

No one on earth would ever call me a chef.

Of course not, Kelly -- they'd call you a cook. Otherwise, it's creepy.
This portion of the book begins, reasonably enough, with Breakfasts. These include such thoughtfully named delicacies as "My Favorite Cereal" and "My Favorite Pancakes." The recipe for the latter begins with the following introduction:

I'm not the greatest pancake maker, and I probably never will be. But what I am very good at is thinking of unusual things and doing them.

Frankly, I can't argue with that. As she continues:

When in pancake doubt, have fun, add fruit, and see if pancakes can be a vehicle for creating great memories for your family.

Next time I'm in pancake doubt, I'll know just what to do! We move right along into the Soups and Salads section, and are promptly introduced to Kelly's "Jimmy Achoo's Chicken Soup." Which is apparently a play on Jimmy Choo and also described by Kelly as "filled with veggie exploitation," which sounds terrifying. Of the next recipe, "Rich and Skinny Cauliflower Soup with Kale Chips," Kelly reflects:

I adapted this recipe from one I found on the Internet. I wish I could tell you exactly where, but I can't.

The recipe calls for kale chips, which Kelly goes out of her way to inform us can be purchased "at health food stores and many well-stocked supermarkets." We also get a few general "HOT salad tips" that can be applied to many of the recipes throughout this book, such as

There are so many different types of lettuces available today! Try different ones to see which you like best

and

When you order a salad in a restaurant, ask for the dressing on the side. You're a grown-up and you should get to decide how much you want to use.

With that under our belts, the grown-ups among us move on to "Meat, Chicken, and Fish." In her recipe for "Grilled Rib Eye with Herbes de Provence", Kelly tells us about meeting the famous chef who inspired this dish:

When I met Eric, who was still in his thirties at the time, he still had dark hair. I was caught off guard because I thought all chefs were older, had gray hair, and smelled like garlic.

So perhaps Bethenny should have taken it as a compliment? Kelly continues,

He's since invited me many times to go into his kitchen and cook with him, but my fear of losing a finger by being overzealous has prohibited me from accepting.

It's unclear to me exactly what this means or why Kelly would even be particularly worried about this possibility. Does she have habit of excitedly snatching vegetables out from other people's knives? Does Eric have a reputation for slicing anyone who dares to get in his way? Before I make any headway with this particular mystery, we're introduced to the next recipe, the "Pencil-Thin Skirt Steak." As we learn, "Everyone looks slim in a pencil skirt, so it's only fitting that skirt steak is one of the leanest cuts of beef you can buy." We get a recipe for "Sultry Roast Chicken" in which Kelly shares with us that "in fact, chicken without ginger doesn't taste like chicken to me anymore." This would be more believable if we weren't, a mere two pages later, introduced to a notably ginger-free recipe for "Second-Chance Chicken." As Kelly explains,

I hate the idea of leftovers. To me, eating leftovers means you're too lazy to start over, and I've never wanted my girls to think that we weren't starting fresh.

In the introduction to the recipe for "Bad Girl Wings," Kelly gives us yet another poignant insight into her life as a mother:

These chicken wings are Sea's favorite. I'm sure she loves them because she knows I love wings (she's a cutie like that).

It would obviously be ludicrous to assume that Sea actually enjoys chicken wings authentically. Much more likely that she just loves them because Kelly does. HOT! In a segment labeled "hasta la vista taco bell," Kelly recounts a traumatic experience in which she "discovered that my favorite food choices [at Taco Bell] added up to 580 calories." To me, this seems like a perfectly reasonable amount of calories for one daily meal out of three, but according to Kelly, I am embarrassingly off the mark. Rather, she sighs, "I guess that means my Taco Bell days are over -- unless I decide to chance [sic] Sunday Funday into Fatso Food Day." Not HOT.
Kelly tells us about the creative process behind the development of the next recipe, "Spicy Sultry Shrimp and Mango Stir-Fry" (which, for the record, is the second recipe to have the word "sultry" in its title).

This was one of the first dishes I made when I started to cook -- as a science experiment. My "method" was to think of foods I loved and which ones I thought would go well together.

Fascinating! Think of ingredients you like and combine them into a dish that you will then likely also like! The next recipe, for "Kelly's Kalamari," features the following introduction:

I still love fried calamari, but it doesn't love me. Whenever I eat it, it goes right to my stomach and makes a little pooch -- eww!

As a reminder, this is the same Kelly Bensimon who told us that loving our bodies is HOT and dieting is die + t. But also, eww!
We trek along into the next portion of the recipe book, succinctly titled "Pizza, Pasta, Potatoes, Grains, Vegetables, and Sides." We get a recipe for "Pizzzzzzzza!," which instructs the reader to obtain pizza dough, pizza sauce, mozzerella cheese, salt and pepper. Spread out the dough, add sauce and cheese, and cook! This is yet another time I'm glad Kelly told us early on in this book to take detailed notes -- these kinds of nuanced culinary creations can only come from the mind of a true master.
The same kind of true master who would, as we soon learn, conceive of this particular travesty -- "Pink Pizza." Imagine with me, for a moment, that a dear friend invites you over to their house for dinner. I'm making pizza! they implore you. Come over -- we'll hang out, have a couple beers, catch up on old times! Excited for a chance to relive the glory days, you eagerly accept, only to be met -- upon your arrival -- with this abomination. I thought you said we were having pizza? you sputter nervously. This is pizza, your friend intones, as their eyes slowly fade to black and their hands reach out to wrap themselves around your throat.
Kelly goes on to share a recipe for an "Asian-flavored noodle dish" that she has christened (and it truly pains me to type this), "Me Love You Springtime Noodles." Somewhere, the last ember of hope for humanity quietly fizzles out.
The following recipe, for "Pasta with Oddkavodka Sauce" begins with a warning:

When you make this (especially for children) just be sure you cook off the alcohol so that you aren't serving vodka to minors or have to assign a designated driver for your guests.

This seems like reasonable and conscientious advice. Until I read on and learn that the recipe calls for 1/8 cup vodka, and makes four servings. If your guests need a designated driver after consuming a half-tablespoon of vodka each, I would strongly encourage them to seek medical advice forthwith.
I am reminded once again how different Kelly's and my worlds are with the following exclamation:

Try using quinoa in this recipe instead of the rice -- I call that having your cake and eating it too!

Oh, to live a life in which your most selfish indulgence was quinoa. I suppose this should have prepared me for a few pages later, when Kelly remarks:

Both hummus and guacamole make great toppings for steak or fish. They're my version of béarnaise sauce.

I love hummus. Hummus is great. But there is no possible existing parallel universe in which hummus and béarnaise sauce are interchangeable. One of the final recipes in this section is cryptically titled "Have an Impromptu Pepper Party" and instructs the reader to scoop out the insides of a bell pepper and stuff it with "whatever ingredients suit your fancy." Again, I feel like this fails to meet the definition of an actual recipe, per se, but it is supposedly "quick, fun, and satisfying."
We're nearing the book's end (for real this time) with a section on "Breads and Desserts." This includes an inspirational passage in which Kelly shares a personal anecdote:

On Season 4 of the Real Housewives of New York City, I made a mixed fruit pie for my kids with what was left over in the fruit bowl…Don't be afraid to try new things, make mistakes, and have fun doing it.

I can only hope to someday be brave enough and fearless enough to make a mixed fruit pie.
Blessedly, the final section , titled "Beverages", looks like it might have exactly what I need in the aftermath of finishing this book. The "GIN-Ginger Beertail," for example, which "was originally made with gin, but I don't like serving gin drinks because I think it makes people mean." We also get a recipe for something called "Babylove," which (thankfully) seems unrelated to another of my favorite reality TV cesspools.
It only seems appropriate to share the final recipe of I Can Make You Hot! with all of you. I will definitely be downing approximately seven of these tonight, and I hope some of you will be joining me in spirit. Cheers:

Gummi Bear Martini
If you don't have a paper umbrella handy, Gummi Bears are a great way to put more fun in your drink.
Makes 1 Drink
2 parts orange, grape, or other-flavored vodka
1 part Triple Sec
1 part white grape juice
Splash of cranberry juice
Gummi Bears, as many as you like
Combine the vodka, Triple Sec, grape juice, and cranberry juice in a tall glass. Add ice and fill the glass with Gummi Bears.

ETA: I am so disappointed in myself for forgetting to include that Kelly has a ceviche recipe that instructs you to marinate raw fish in lemon juice for exactly two minutes before serving. In the interest of food safety, perhaps it was for the best that this nugget momentarily slipped my mind, but sharing this information with you all is the burden I have been cursed to bear. 🙏🏼