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With the remaster of Burnout Paradise release soon and worked on by Criterion and Stellar Entertainment (see Paul Ross for details on that company) I thought it might be fun to make a thread and track down the devs. If you want some additional reading about Burnout, Three Fields released a history about how it started in January.
For a quick summary, Criterion was originally a 3d graphics rendering technology company owned by Canon. It was spun out and became the “modern” Criterion Games in 1999/2000. In 2004 it was purchased by EA.
Most info/quotes are from company websites and LinkedIn. Now, this thread is long enough already, so let’s get started (this thread is long enough that I’ll have to go into the comments to finish the thread.
Fiona Sperry worked as EA Criterion Studio GM. Sperry helped form the modern Criterion Games and previously worked at McGraw-Hill. In 2014 she left and co-founded Three Fields Entertainment.
Alex Ward worked as creative director. Ward helped form the modern Criterion Games and previously worked at Acclaim. He continued to work at Criterion until 2014 (including a unreleased game codenamed “Adventure”) when he co-founded Three Fields Entertainment.
Peter Hawley worked as executive producer. Hawley previously worked at companies including Lionhead (where he was one of the first employees) and Sony. He joined Criterion in late 2005 and in 2009 became vice president of product development at EA. In 2010 he joined Crowdstar before co-founding Red Robot Labs in 2011, where he worked at CPO and later CEO until 2014. He next joined Zynga before coming CEO of Telltale Games in September 2017.
Craig Sullivan worked as lead designer. Sullivan joined Criterion in 1997 and was the first game designer for the studio. He previously worked at Millenium Interactive as a designetester. In 2009 he became creative director at the company before joining Ghost Games in 2013. Sullivan left Ghost Games at the end of 2016, and in May 2017 joined Amazon.
Jon Lawrence worked as senior development director. Lawrence joined EA in 1998 and worked on series including Harry Potter, F1 and Black. In 2012 Lawrence left to work at Sky before returning to EA shortly in 2013. Later that year Lawrence joined Microsoft as development director, and worked on Warface. In 2015 he joined Natural Motion before joining Digit Game Studios in 2017 as director of production.
Steve Uphill worked as art director. Uphill previously worked at Kuju Entertainment before joining Criterion in 2002. In 2008 Uphill left Criterion and joined Black Rock Studio to work as art director on Split/Second. In 2011 he co-founded ShortRound Games where he worked as art director. In 2016 Uphill returned to Criterion and is currently studio art director.
Stephen Root worked as audio director. Root worked at Acclaim for five years as head of audio before joining Criterion in 2000. In 2008 Root left Criterion and joined Codemasters, where he is currently VP of development creative services.
Olly Read worked as a technical director. Read joined Criterion in 1999 and worked at the company until 2011. In 2012 Read started work as a “game programming ninja” at Escapist Games.
Paul Ross worked as a technical director. Ross joined Criterion in 1996 and worked as CTO before leaving in 2014. He next worked at Three Fields Entertainment before leaving in 2016. Ross next founded Stellar Entertainment in 2016, which is making Burnout Paradise Remastered.
Pete Lake worked as a producer. Lake worked as an artist for early Criterion games before starting production on Paradise. In 2010 Lake worked as a producer for Harry Potter and The Sims. In 2013 he returned to Criterion.
San Shepherd worked as a producer. Shepherd previously worked at EA and Pyro Studios before rejoining EA in 2006. Near the end of 2008 Shepherd left and in 2009 joined Zero Point Software as a board member. At the same time, Shepherd co-founded Escapist Games and became director for European Construction Company. Since 1990 Shepherd has also been director of Citilet Booking, and in 1997 founded The Copenhagen Post, where he worked as CEO for five years. He also produced weekly music shows for Danish TV in the 90s.
Matt Webster worked as a producer. Webster joined EA in 1990 and worked on games including Syndicate, Theme Park and Populous II. He also created the initial concept for the first Fifa game and associate produced the game. After EA purchased Criterion Webster joined the company as producer. In 2013 he became GM of Criterion.
Hamish Young worked as a producer. Young joined Criterion in 1999 and had worked as a technical director and a lead programmer on previous Burnout games. Young continued to work at Criterion until 2013, when he joined Avalanche Studios (for quick reference this is the Just Cause studio, not the Disney Infinity one) where he works as a designer.
Steve Cuss worked as a development manager. Cuss worked at IBM and Intelligent Games before joining EA in 2003. Since 2005 Cuss has worked as a producer for Criterion.
Helen King worked as a development manager. King joined Criterion in 2006 but left in 2009 and joined Codemasters, where they worked on Bodycount. After leaving in 2011 King joined Deepmind in 2012, which was later bought by Google.
Radek Majder worked as a development manager. Majder previously worked at companies like Plastic Wax, Forte Studios and Perception before joining EA in 2006. Majder worked as development director at EA until 2013. In 2014 they joined BBC where they worked until 2017. They are currently head of development management at Mclaren Applied Technology.
Alan McDairmant worked as a development manager. McDairmant previously worked at Inner Workings, Data Design & Artwork, Red Lemon Studios and Visual Science before joining Criterion in 2005. McDairmant continues to work at EA/Criterion and most recently has worked as a director of product development/studio leadership on games such as Battlefront 2, Battlefield 1 and Need for Speed.
Dan McDonald worked as a development manager. McDonald previously worked in QA on series like Burnout, Harry Potter and Populous. McDonald did interviews for Burnout Crash and seemingly left Criterion afterwards. He was credited as a production manager for Until Dawn in 2015.
Sheri Patterson worked as a development manager. Patterson previously worked at Pixar (on the Incredibles, Finding Nemo and Boundin’), Blue Sky and Charlex before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2008 she left and worked as a producer for various companies including DreamWorks and Disney (on Frozen). Patterson also worked with companies including Apple, Google and Land Rover.
Cath Schell worked as production coordinator. Schell first appeared in Criterion credits in 2002, and is still with the company. She posts a lot of mushrooms.
Charnjit Bansi worked as a designer. Bansi previously worked at Codemasters before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2009 Bansi joined Bizarre Creations as a/the game director (Activision doesn’t tend to give detailed credits so I can’t tell if Bansi was the only person with the role). After consulting for a month in 2011 at Neversoft Bansi joined Sledgehammer Games as a/the development director.
Richard Bunn worked as a designer. Bunn previously worked in QA at Sony and as a level designer at Argonaut before joining Criterion in 2004. Bunn worked on the design of the “open-world traffic system, vehicle A.I. behaviours and the Crash Mode gameplay,” for the game. After leaving Criterion in 2007 Bunn rejoined Sony where he worked for three years on the original version of Until Dawn and the canceled Eight Days. After leaving in 2011, Bunn has worked at Mindshapes, Nice Touch and most recently Aceviral.
Matt Follett worked as a designer. Follett joined EA in 1999 working in QA and design. He joined Criterion in 2008 after working on previous Burnout games, and worked on algorithms and scripting for Paradise along with the PC version. Follett later became a lead at Criterion before leaving in 2014. Since then he has worked for Boss Alien.
Paul Glancey worked as a designer. Glancey previously worked as an editor for games magazines in the late 80s/early 90s before joining Eidos in 1998. He joined EA in 2000 before leaving in 2008. He next worked as design director on Split/Second before joining Ubisoft in 2010. In 2012 Glancey returned to Criterion.
Tommy Hudson worked as a designer. Hudson joined Criterion in 2005 and worked at the company until the end of 2010. Hudson next joined DICE where they worked on Battlefield. In 2013 Hudson joined Remedy and worked on Quantum Break. They are currently lead designer on a new game at Remedy.
Oliver Reid-Smith worked as a designer. Reid-Smith joined Criterion in 2004 before leaving in 2010. They worked as a lead designer on Split/Second before becoming a freelance consultant in 2012. Reid-Smith has worked on games including The Room, Disney Infinity and Blackwood Crossing.
Steve Watt worked as a designer. Watt joined EA in 2004 and worked as lead online designer. In 2008 Watt left and joined Codemasters where they worked as lead designer. After the closure of the Guildford studio in 2011, Watt did some freelance in 2012. Later that year, Watt joined Microsoft.
Ben Earnshaw worked as a level designer. Earnshaw worked on AI and planned race routes for the game, before leaving at the end of 2007. He next joined Dark Energy Digital as a designer on Hydrophobia. In 2010 Earnshaw left the gaming industry and joined his family’s woodworking company.
Mata Haggis worked as a level designer. Haggis previously worked at Channel 4 and MTV before joining Criterion for 2007. Haggis worked on building the world and make it seem believable. In 2008 he joined Rebellion where he worked as a designer on Alien vs Predator and PDC World Championship Darts Pro Tour. After leaving Rebellion in 2010 Haggis lectured at NHTV for five years before becoming a professor. From 2013 to 2016 he worked with Sassybot freelance, and since 2000 has worked as a game designer with Matazone.
Dave Sage worked as a level designer. Sage joined Criterion in 2007 after short work lecturing. In 2008 Sage left and joined Codemasters, where he worked until 2011. Since then Sage has worked for various groups teaching, and currently is general manager of a cafe/bicycling company.
Jason RM Smith worked as associate CG supervisor. Smith joined EA in 1998 and worked at Bullfrog and EA UK before joining Criterion. At the end of 2007 Smith left and joined Lucasarts where he worked on The Force Unleashed, 1313 and other games. When Lucasarts closed Smith co-founded Soma Play where he worked until 2017. He currently is a creative consultant.
Richard Franke worked as a lead artist. Franke worked as an artist for Scavenger and Mucky Foot before joining EA in 2002. At the end of year Franke joined Criterion, where he worked until 2012. After leaving Franke founded Magic Notion where he has made games and worked as a contract artist for Media Molecule.
Mark Hamilton worked as a lead artist. In 2008 Hamilton left Criterion and co-founded Fireproof Games.
John Lewis worked as a lead artist. Lewis worked as an artist at ICE, DA Group and Bits Studios before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2012 Lewis left and joined Codemasters. Lewis is currently art director at the studio.
James Lipscomb worked as a lead artist. Lipscomb worked at Line One, Red Hot Chilli and Orange Crush before joining EA in 2002. In 2009 Lipscomb left and joined Disney where he worked on Split/Second. At the end of 2011 Lipscomb joined Lucasarts where he worked until the company’s closure. After that he worked at Rumble, Gaia Interactive and Linekong working in UI and UX. He is currently director of UX at pocket gems.
Neil Manners worked as a lead artist. Manners seems to have joined Criterion in the mid-90s. He seems to still be at EA, last working as a senior animator on Need for Speed Payback.
Barry Meade worked as a lead artist. Meade joined the studio in 2003 after working at PCSL, Bullfrog, Scavenger, Negative Productions, Mucky Foot and Iguana. Meade worked mostly on the lighting for Paradise. In 2008 Meade left Criterion and helped found Fireproof Games, where he currently works.
Yuta Nakamura worked as a lead artist. Nakamura worked for Video Systems before joining EA in 2001. Nakamura went on to work as a art director on Need for Speed games before joining DICE in 2016.
David Rack worked as a lead artist. Rack joined Criterion in 2003 and worked at Criterion until 2008. After leaving Rack co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is currently a lead artist.
Damien Rayfield worked as a lead artist. Rayfield worked at Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2008 Rayfield left and co-founded Fireproof Games.
Roger Schembri worked as a lead artist. Schembri worked as a graphic designer before joining Criterion in 2004. Schembri worked on UI before leaving in 2008 to work as a lead UI artist at Codemasters. At the end of 2010 Schembri left and joined Fireproof Games.
Chris Cannon worked as an artist. Cannon joined Criterion in 2005 after animating and storyboarding for various companies. In 2008 Cannon left and co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is a lead designer.
Max Cant worked as an artist. Cant joined Criterion in 2005 and worked as an environmental lead. In 2008 Cant left and joined Codemasters as an art director. After leaving Codemasters in 2011, Cant worked for six months at both Koyoki and Vatra Games. At the end of 2012 Cant joined Deepmind, which was later bought by Google.
Tony Cartwright worked as an artist. Cartwright “worked for a several game companies, some that he would prefer not to mention, working on titles that he’d also prefer not to mention.” (mostly movie tie-ins) before joining Criterion. In 2008 Cartwright left and co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is currently a lead artist.
Ingmar Clarysse worked as an artist. Clarysse worked at Larian and Argonaut before joining EA in 2004 as a VFX artist. In 2008 Clarysse left and joined Rocksteady Games, where he works as lead on VFX on the Arkham series.
Will Evans worked as an artist. Evans worked at Teletext before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2009 Evans joined Codemasters before joining Supermassive Games in 2010. After leaving in 2014 and working for 9 months at Rodeo Games, Evans co-founded Playsport Games in 2015.
Dave Flynn worked as an artist. Flynn joined the games industry in 1991 working at Storm Education Software. Flynn also worked at Oregan Software, The Automotive Association and Interactive Studios/Blitz Games (including work on Glover) as well as co-founding Paradise Games. In 2003 Flynn joined Criterion before leaving in 2008 and joining Slightly Mad Studios.
Nicole Gabriel worked as an artist. Gabriel worked as a 3D modeler for various architecture groups before joining EA in 2005. Gabriel worked on the art for Paradise City before leaving in 2009 to work as a freelance artist.
Derek Germain worked as an artist. Germain worked at Bits Studio before joining EA in 2005 as an environmental artist. In 2009 Germain left before joining Slightly Mad Studios as a snr artist. In 2011 Germain left and joined FIreproof Games, where he is a senior artist.
Jack Griffin worked as an artist. Griffin joined Criterion in 2005 before moving into management in 2012. Griffin is currently development direction at the company.
Ben Hall worked as an artist. Hall joined Criterion in 2005. On Paradise he worked on vehicles and later the environment. Hall moved into world design for later Criterion games before becoming lead. In 2013 Hall moved to Ghost Games for five months before working on Battlefield Hardline as an artist for seven months. In 2014 Hall joined Ubisoft where he worked as a level designer on Assassin’s Creed Syndicate. He is currently working as world director on an unannounced game from Ubisoft Quebec.
James Hans worked as an artist. Hans ran Infinite Detail before joining Criterion in 2001. In 2011 Hans became a producer at Criterion before leaving in 2014. Since leaving, Hans has worked as an artist/producer at Natural Motion.
Scott Harber worked as an artist. Harber joined Criterion in 2003 and worked as a technical artist on Paradise. In 2013 Harber worked for a year as technical art director on an unannounced EA game before working on Battlefield Hardline. In 2014 Harber left and started Sc0tt Games which he ran for a year before joining Natural Motion as lead technical artist.
Young Jin Park worked as an artist. I’m unable to find additional information about what Park did (they are credited on Black and Burnout Dominator, but their Mobygames page is mixed with another person with the same name).
Jin Jung worked as an artist. They were last credited with Hot Pursuit, but I’m unable to find any additional information.
Quyen Lam worked as an artist. Lam worked shortly at La Paraguas and Axis Animation before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 Lam left and joined Ubisoft, where he worked on Driver: San Francisco. After a short three months at Slightly Mad, Lam joined Rockstar as an environmental artist in 2010.
Kwok Law worked as an artist. Law previously worked on films and television like Harry Potter before joining Criterion in 2005 as a level artist. In 2008 Law left and joined Doublesix Games, where he was a seniolead artist. In 2012 Law left and joined Born Ready before joining Digicub nine months later. In 2013 he co-founded Polynation Games until 2016, when he founded Massive Kwok.
Steve Leney worked as an artist. Leney worked at Mindscape for most of the 90s before joining EA in 1998. In 2008 Leney left and joined Relentless Software, where he worked until 2016. Since leaving Leney has worked as an artist at Make Real.
Mikael Mettania worked as an artist. Mettania worked at Atari and Eutechnyx before joining Criterion in 2005. He worked as a senior vehicle artist on Paradise and a world artist on the DLC. In 2013 Mettania moved over to Ghost Games for seven months before joining Natural Motion as art director in 2014.
Lyndon Munt worked as an artist. In college, Munt worked on Driv3r before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2010 Munt left and joined Fireproof Games, where he is currently a senior artist.
Ben Murch worked as an artist. Murch previously worked at Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2007 Murch left and joined Codemasters as a senior artist. In 2010 Murch co-founded Rodeo Games. In 2016 he co-founded Perchang.
Adriaan Pottas worked as an artist. Pottas previously worked at Three Blind Mice and Indestructible Productions before joining EA in 2005. In 2009 Pottas left and worked for a year at Ignition London as a senior artist. Since 2010 Pottas has lectured at Southampton Solent University.
Richard Thomassen worked as an artist. Thomassen worked at Psygnosis for a year before joining Criterion in 1998. In 2013 Thomassen moved to Ghost Games before returning to Criterion the following year.
Marcus Wainwright worked as an artist. Wainwright worked for a year at Rebellion and joined Criterion in 2005. At the end of 2008 Wainwright left and soon joined Codemasters, where he worked until the start of 2012. After a year at Climax Wainwright joined Deepmind in 2013, and is currently a senior technical artist.
Chris Walley worked as an artist. Walley previously worked at Revolution Software before joining Criterion in 2001. On Paradise Walley was lead previs artist. In 2008 Walley left and became director at Escapist Games.
Sam White worked as an artist. White joined EA in 2005 and worked as a graphic designer and GUI artist. In 2009 White left and joined Supermassive Games as an interface artist. In 2015 White left and became director at Playsport Games.
Iain Angus worked as a lead programmer. Angus was an intern at APR Smartlogik before joining Criterion in 2002. In 2011 Angus left and joined VLI before joining Konami in 2013. In 2015 he joined Lionhead until its closure in 2016. He currently works as a development manager at Creative Assembly.
Chris Cummings worked as a lead programmer. Cummings previously worked at Eutechnyx before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2009 he left and joined joined Media Molecule. In 2015 Cummings spent a year at Hello Games working as a programmer on No Man’s Sky before joining Happy Robot Games and Future Tech Labs in 2016.
Alex Fry worked as a lead programmer. Fry joined Criterion after college and worked on rendering. Sometime in the last few years Fry moved over to EA Guildford and currently works on rendering for Frostbite. If you want to learn more, Fry did an interview with EA
Andy Hubbard worked as a lead programmer. Hubbard joined Criterion in 2004 working on physics. In 2008 Hubbard joined Black Rock Studios to work on Split/Second before becoming director of ShortRound in 2011.
Mark Huntley worked as a lead programmer. Huntley worked at Bullfrog from 1993 to 2000 before joining EA. After some Harry Potter games Huntley worked on Paradise. At the end of 2010 he left EA and in 2011 joined Codemasters as a lead programmetechnical director on for online. In 2013 he moved to Lionhead where he worked until the company’s closure. Since then he has worked as a technical program manager at Highlight - See Clearly.
Steve Lucas worked as a lead programmer. Lucas worked at IBM for around a year before joining Criterion in 1998. In 2013 Lucas moved to Canada and became a technical director at EA.
Toby Nelson worked as a lead programmer. I’m unable to find out much info about Nelson. Their first game as part of Criterion was AirBlade and they directed Burnout Crash.
Tad Swift worked as a lead programmer. Swift worked for about a decade in programming/consultation before studying games programming in 2003 and 2004. Swift joined Criterion in 2005 as a junior programmer before becoming lead VFX programmer for Black and Paradise. Swift next went into core engine technologies before leaving in 2013 to join Lionhead. Swift worked as a lead programmer for Fable Legends before joining the Microsoft Advanced Technology Group as a senior software engineer.
Rajan Tande worked as a lead programmer. Tande joined EA in 1996 and in 1999 became a lead programmer. After two years as technical director for Harry Potter, Tande joined the Burnout team in 2006. After Paradise, Tande moved over to EA Bright Light where he worked until its closure in late 2011. He next moved to Maxis Emeryville in California where he worked until its closure in 2015. Since then, he has been CTO at Magic Fuel Games.
John Twigg worked as a lead programmer. Twigg previously worked at EA Black Box before joining Criterion in 2006. Twigg led the design of the audio software for Paradise before leaving in 2008 to joining BNP Paribas. In 2010 he co-founded Crankcase Audio and has worked for a year or so at companies including United Front Games, Snowball (which he co-founded) and Credit Karma.
David Addis worked as a programmer. Addis worked at Codemasters for a year before joining EA in 2005. On Paradise Addis worked on the HUD and refactoring the system. In 2008 he left and joined Lionhead where he worked until 2012. Since 2013 he has worked as lead UI programmer at Natural Motion. Since 2010 he has also run ESP Games.
Mark Baker worked as a programmer. Baker worked at Sony, Metrowerks, Mucky Foot and Climax before joining Criterion in 2005. Baker worked on tools and workflow for Paradise before leaving in 2008 and joining NCSoft for five months. Later in 2008 he joined Black Rock Studio and worked as a lead programmer on Split/Second. In 2011 Baker joined Mind Candy before returning to EA in 2015 as a technical director for development release engineering.
Peter Bliss worked as a programmer. I’m unable to find much information about Bliss but they seem to still be at Criterion.
Garry Casey worked as a programmer. Casey joined Criterion in 2006. At some point Casey moved over to Ghost Games and last worked as online lead on Need for Speed Payback.
Rob Cowsill worked as a programmer. I’m unable to find much information about Cowsill but it seems like they joined Rebellion in 2009 any maybe currently works at Force Field.
Ken Cropper worked as a programmer. Cropper is still at Criterion, and is currently director of engineering.
Antony Crowther worked as a programmer. Crowther joined the games industry in 1983 and worked at Aligata Software, Mirror Soft, Mindscape, Gremlin Interactive, Infogrames and Genepool before joining EA in 2004. In 2006 Crowther moved to Criterion for a year before returning to EA. Since 2011 Crowther has worked as a technical consultant at Sumo Digital.
Graham Daniell worked as a programmer. I was unable to find much information about Daniell but they seem to be at Rocksteady.
Robert Dodd worked as a programmer. Dodd previously worked at Codemasters before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 Dodd joined Supermassive before becoming technical director at Fireproof Games in 2011.
Jon Evripiotis worked as a programmer. Evripiotis worked at Travellers Tales before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he joined Bloomberg as a software engineer.
Martiño Figueroa worked as a programmer. Figueroa joined Criterion in 2005 and worked as an AI and gameplay programmer for Paradise. In 2011 Figueroa left and worked at The Foundry for 10 months before co-founding and becoming director of JFDP Labs in 2012. Since 2015 Figueroa has been director of Madruga Works which released Planetbase.
Rich Geldard worked as a programmer. Geldard joined Criterion in in 2005 and is still with the company as technical director.
Joseph Goodwin worked as a programmer. Goodwin joined Criterion in 2006 and worked on tools, UI and localization for Paradise. Goodwin is still at Criterion as a software engineer.
André Jacobs worked as a programmer. Jacobs previously worked at Fifth Dimensional Technologies, Adreniware, I-Imagine and Climax before joining Criterion in 2006. Jacobs worked on the traffic system for Paradise which was later used in Criterion Need for Speed games. In 2008 he joined Lionhead before joining Bloomberg in 2010. In 2012 Jacobs became lead programmer at Medopad before leaving in 2015 and working a year at ICSA. Since 2010 he has also run Voxel Beast.
Matthew Jones worked as a programmer. Jones previously worked at Terabyte and Infogrames/Atari before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2013 Jones left Criterion and worked JFDP Labs on contract while being self employed. In 2015 he joined Microsoft as a senior software engineer in rendering.
Ian Lambert worked as a programmer. Lambert is still part of Criterion and works on UI and UX.
Ling Lo worked as a programmer. Lo worked out Logica, Coment, Argonaut and Symbian before joining EA in 2005. Lo worked on tools and build for Paradise before moving to Vancouver in 2008 to work with EA Black Box. In 2012 Lo moved to Burnaby and has worked as lead online engineer for the Garden Warfare series.
Phil Maguire worked as a programmer. Maguire joined Criterion in 2005 and worked on Freeburn Challenges, Mugshots and Road Rules for Paradise. After working on autolog and multiplayer for Need for Speed games Maguire because technical director of Criterion in 2013. In 2014 he left and help found Three Fields Entertainment.
Alex Mole worked as a programmer. Mole joined Criterion in 2005 and was lead online programmer for autolog. Mole is currently technical director of Criterion. In 2016 Mole gave a talk at GDC.
Robert Perren worked as a programmer. Perren joined Criterion in 2005 before becoming lead tools and workflow programmer in 2012 at Criterion/Ghost Games. In 2014 he left EA and became technical manager at Falmouth University.
Davide Pirola worked as a programmer. Pirola previously worked at companies including Psygnosis, Steel Monkeys and Kuju Entertainment before joining Criterion in 2005. As part of Criterion, Pirola was the self-described “lowest ranked programmer ever.” Here is Pirola’s description of working at Criterion unedited: “My main duty was playing foosball at their mega bar and basically trying to do as little as possible! I mostly succeeded for almost 5 years, my contribution to their games was very minimal, in fact the worst part of every game they made was probably my code, specially crafted in such a way that was a mess to understand and run, credits go where credits due people… I once tried to write some proper code, I remember, it was a Thursday morning, but then I've changed my mind.” Pirola left in 2010 and is currently “Le Grande Fromage” at JFDP labs.
Gavin Rouse worked as a programmer. Rouse joined Criterion in 2002 and seems to now be at Ghost Games as a senior software engineer.
Andrei Shires worked as a programmer. Shires is still at Criterion and seems to work on front end and UI.
Dave Smeathers worked as a programmer. Smeathers joined Criterion in 2006 after being “forced into making video games to pay off his online poker debts.” On Paradise Smeathers worked on coding physics and coding crashes. Smeathers later became physics lead on Need for Speed Most Wanted before leaving Criterion in 2013 to join Fireproof Games.
James Smith worked as a programmer. Smith worked at Mentor Graphics before joining Criterion in 2003 as an audio programmer. Smith became lead audio programmer before leaving Criterion in 2007 and moving to Canada to work at Black Box. In 2012 he left and joined The Coalition, where he is lead audio programmer.
David Steptoe worked as a programmer. Steptoe joined Criterion in 2002 and later became lead audio programmer. In 2013 he left and joined Escapist Games, before leaving at the end of the year. In 2014 he joined Lionhead where he worked until its closure. Steptoe currently runs Audio Software Development, which he formed in 2016.
Alex Thomson worked as a programmer. Thomson previously worked at Rebellion, Elixir and Kuju before joining Criterion in 2006 as a senior software engineer. He has worked as a technical director and lead software engineer in his time at Criterion.
Alex Veal worked as a programmer. Veal joined Criterion in 2006 as an online software engineer. In 2014 he left Criterion and helped start Three Fields Entertainment
James Warren worked as a programmer. Warren joined Criterion in 2005 as an audio programmer. He currently seems to be at Ghost Games and is audio lead.
Tom Williamson worked as a programmer. Williamson previously worked at The Marketing Bureau before joining Criterion in 1999 as a software engineer. In 2011 he left Criterion and the following year became director at JFDP Labs, where he worked until 2017. In 2012 he also started a company called Threeshinyapples Limited.
Ben Woodhouse worked as a programmer. Woodhouse joined Criterion in 2005 as a graphics programmer. On the Paradise engine, Woodhouse worked on “lighting, shadows, occlusion culling, frustum culling, scene management, and various low-level CPU/SPU jobs used in the rendering pipeline.” At the end of 2009 he left Criterion and joined Lionhead as lead engine programmer. After the closure of Lionhead, he joined Epic where he is currently lead console programmer.
Chris Hegstrom worked as audio lead. Hegstrom previously worked at Stormfront Studios and Lucasarts before joining Criterion in 2005. At the end of 2007 Hegstrom left and joined Sony where he worked on God of War. In 2010 he joined Microsoft as audio director before leaving in 2015 and starting Symmetry Audio. In 2016 he joined Technicolor before joining Amazon in September 2017.
Steve Emney worked as an audio designer. Emney was previously self employed before joining Criterion in 2004. He became audio director at Criterion before joining Disney to work on Split/Second in 2009. After the closure of Black Rock Emney became director of TRC Family Entertainment in 2012 where he worked until 2014. Since 2014 he has worked for eMotion in Sound and since 2015 has worked for The Trailerfarm.
Lewis James worked as an audio designer. James joined Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he moved to EA Montreal until 2011, when he moved to Guerrilla Games. At the end of 2013 he left and became director of Improbable until 2015, when he joined La Indiana Sound.
Zsolt Marx worked as an audio designer. Marx previously worked at Rockstar Vienna before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he started to work on other EA games before leaving the company in 2010 after working on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Since 2012 he has worked as a producer and lead programmer at Noizoo Games.
Thomas Belmont worked as an additional producer. Belmont previously worked at Ubisoft (first in QA and later as a designer and producer) and Eliad Technologies before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2011 he moved to Vancouver to work on other EA games before leaving in 2014 and becoming a producer for online technologies at Ubisoft.
Nick Channon worked as an additional producer. Channon joined EA in 1996 in Vancouver before moving to the UK in 2000 and joining Criterion in 2006. In 2008 he moved back to Vancouver and is currently senior director of business development at EA.
Neil Kaminski worked as an additional producer. Kaminski previously worked at companies including Bullfrog, Pure and Argonaut before joining Criterion in 2005 as a lead artist. In 2006 he became a producer before leaving in 2008 to become studio art manager at Codemasters in 2008. In 2011 he left and joined Escapist Games before joining Pixel Heroes in 2013. After leaving in 2016, he joined CCP in 2017.
Emily Newton Dunn worked as an additional producer. Dunn previously worked in PR for various companies before joining Criterion in 2005 as a producer. In 2007 Dunn moved to EA and became a game designer before becoming lead game designer at Playfish in 2011. In 2013 she left and after being after a few companies for a few months Dunn joined Another Place in 2014. In 2017 she left and after seven months at Playdiation joined Media Molecule in January 2018 as a consultant system designer.
Anja Haman worked on additional support. Haman previously worked at Radical before joining EA in 2005. In 2007 she left before joining Black Box in 2009-2011. From 2012-2015 Haman worked at Work at Play and has been part of Microsoft since the end of 2017. Since 2000 she has worked as president of Haman Consulting.
Maëlenn Lumineau worked on additional support. Lumineau worked as a translator before joining EA in 2000. In 2007 she joined Criterion as as operations manager before leaving in 2013 and joining Ubisoft as a producer.
Adrian Selby worked on additional support. Selby joined Criterion in 2002 as a producer before leaving in 2009 and becoming a producer at Disney. After 2011 Selby worked at some non-video game companies like BP before joining Boss Alien in 2015.
Harvey Wheaton worked on additional support. Wheaton previously worked at companies including JPMorgan Chase before joining EA in 2003. In 2007 and 2008 he was COO/director of product development at Criterion before joining Supermassive in 2008 as their studio director. At the end of 2013 he left and, after working as a consultant for over a year, joined Codeclan in 2015. In 2017 he became executive producer at Natural Motion.
Graeme Williams worked on additional support. Williams worked at Virtuality, Psygnosis and Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2002 as head of product management. In 2004 he became development director before leaving in 2008. After five months at Supermassive Williams joined VIrtual Toys where he worked until 2011. He next joined Digital Chocolate before joining Ubisoft in 2013. From 2014-2016 he worked at Guerrilla before taking a break and joining Virtually Live in 2017.
Paul Dibden worked as an additional artist. Dibden joined EA in 2005 as a graduate artist before eventually becoming a development director. In 2013 he left and co-founded Milkcap before joining Splash Damage in 2015 as a producer.
John Humphries worked as an additional artist. Humphries previously worked at Bubball before joining EA in 2005. In 2008 Humphries left and joined Realtime Worlds as a lead environmental artist. In 2010 he founded Onyx Digital.
Vincent Jenkins worked as an additional artist. Jenkins joined EA in 2006 as a concept artist before joining Codemasters in 2008, where he worked until 2011. Jenkins has mostly worked as an artist for films, including Rogue One, Game of Thrones and Casino Royale. He last worked on concept art for Solo.
Rasmus Jorgensen worked as an additional artist. Jorgensen joined EA in 2000 as a concept artist before leaving in 2007 to join Codemasters. In 2010 Jorgensen left and spent about a year at Leading Light, Double Negative and Ghost A/S before joining IO in 2014.
Jason Lord worked as an additional artist. Lord joined EA in 1993 and worked as a video director until 2012. In 2012 Lord started Liquid Crimson, which has worked with companies including Square Enix, Supermassive, Hello Games, Microsoft, IGN and Capcom.
Osman Nazlivatan worked as an additional artist. Nazlivatan previously worked freelance and at Argonaut before joining EA in 2004 as a technical artist. In 2007 Nazlivatan left, and after months freelance at Big Head, joined Hotch Potch as lead artist/director. In 2011 Nazlivatan left and after under a year at both Natural Motion and Sony joined King in 2014. In 2016 Nazlivatan left King but I’m unable to find what they’ve done after. Edit: Nazlivatan is still at King
Justin Rae worked as an additional artist. Rae joined EA in 1996 and was lead artist on F.A. Premier Manager games. In 2008 Rae left and became director of art at Supermassive before starting his own company, Studio 96, in 2016.
Peter Reeve worked as an additional artist. Reeve previously worked at a few different companies before joining EA in 2004 as a video editor. In 2008 Reeve joined Black Rock before freelance in 2009 and working with companies including EA and Crytek. He currently works at RMV Productions.
Dean Stolpmann worked as an additional artist. Stolpmann worked as an artist at companies including Frontier and Sony before joining Criterion/EA in 2005. In 2007 Stolpmann joined Outso and Codemasters before joining Supermassive as art director in 2010. Stolpmann joined Gameloft shortly after before becoming head 3D tutor at South Seas Film & TV school in 2013.
Avril Lavigne sang the song “Girlfriend” which was featured in the game. The song released in 2007 and the music video has been viewed over 400 million times. Lavigne also recorded the chorus of the song in 8 different languages.The song also got another version with Lil Mama.

Welcome back to the batshit crazy world of the Montauk Project.
Last time on Hawkins Book Club, we learned that magic is real, there’s a whole bunch of secret magical societies, magicians can create “thought forms” through sex, there’s an entire group of reprogrammed assassins ready to go at a moment’s notice, you can give your child psychic powers by jamming a metal rod into her skull while she’s a fetus, L. Ron Hubbard was a wizard, time-traveling Neo-Nazis shot Jesus in the face, Jesus responded by kicking their asses with a Demofoot and Mark Hamill is a Neo-Nazi.
So, in my ongoing quest to explain the origins of Stranger Things I present my overview of the third book in the Montauk series: the 1995 book Pyramids of Montauk: Explorations in Consciousness. Without further ado, let’s dive in.
The book starts off with a lengthy dedication to Preston Nichols’s deceased mother. It’s admittedly rather touching, though the authors apparently felt the need to point out that she knew about the whole Wilson brothers connection. The Prelude is just a recap of the first two books. The Introduction deals with Peter Moon talking about how many people have sent him letters “about the strange mind control and time phenomena that they’ve encountered in their lives” since the release of the first book. He then gives us this helpful bit of advice;

“As a general rule, if you think you have been involved in a space-time project, you probably have.”

I’ll keep that in mind. Moon then proceeds to bitch and moan for a bit about how major media outlets have no interest in letting two guys rant about time-travel and sex magick on national television. He also throws in another legal disclaimer as usual;

“As it is written, ‘The Montauk Project’ is not necessarily one hundred percent true. Some of it is based upon intuition and psychic readings, but its general premise is obviously much too close for comfort when it comes to the people who control the media.”

I have no idea what he means by this, but he goes on to elaborate that this book is written for people who are reading about the occult for the first time and “practicing occultists”.
Chapter 1 starts off with Nichols, Moon and a musician named Denney Colt returning to Camp Hero in 1993 after finding out that the radar dish was active again. On the way there, they spot a large flock of birds sitting on a telephone line by the base, all staring in one direction, and unwilling to move when our heroes throw rocks at them. Continuing onward, they witnessed two cars drive up to the base and “six or seven” engineers got out along with an “oriental photographer”. Nichols spoke to one of the men, who claimed that he worked for Cardion Electronics and was showing off the radar’s capabilities for a foreign country, specifically in regards to catching aquatic drug smugglers. According to Nichols, this story was “ludicrous” because the radar was much too powerful for that. Moon then contacted a friend who just happened to have Cardion as one of his clients. He said the true reason was much more plausible.

“The story relayed to him was that the military was trying to find a way of detecting militant Arabs in the Middle East. Low levels of radio active [sic] fiber were being introduced into the diet of certain Arab countries so that potential terrorists or soldiers could be picked up on radar screens.”

See? Much more plausible.
Nichols, however, calls that a load of crap. He then calls his friend Klark (the guy who wanted to build a time machine with his cut of the books’ profits), who tells him that Siemens sent a guy out to install a new radar installation on the base. Moon sees this as further confirmation of the Nazi connection to Montauk due to Siemens’s rather shady past (and they also tried to kill a lobbyist, apparently). Nichols hires a pilot to fly him over the base while he took pictures, and a circle in the ground revealed that the base had a particle accelerator on station. Moon, Nichols, Colt and a new guy named Mike Nichols head back to find that the roads had been repaved, the bushes were trimmed and the pavement was new. After entering the circle, the party suffered “reactions”. Mike got “very tired and disoriented”, Colt developed a red triangular spot on her neck, Moon got a horrendous migraine and Preston suffered radiation burns on his chest and legs. They even busted out a Geiger counter to confirm it.
After the Montauk crew messes with Preston’s attempts to monitor their transmissions, our heroes pack it up and head back to the parking lot where they are approached by a “local media person”.

“He took one look at the antenna on Preston’s van and wanted to know if we were looking for aliens. He started giggling and thereafter I have referred to him as Giggles.”

He seems like a reasonable guy. “Giggles” explains how he noticed some strange phenomena around Montauk as well, and recommends that group talk to the surfers. Conveniently, as soon as he leaves a surfer walks up to the group and talks about how he was constantly getting woken up in the middle of the night by military helicopters and actually went down to the base to complain to the officer on duty, who he got into a fight with. Town officials later told the group that the soldiers were National Guardsmen on “bivouac training exercise”, even though the base was a declared a toxic area.

“If the base is contaminated, it would be idiotic to have troops camp out in the midst of this toxicity. It was also out of place for the military to be so nasty to a civilian if they were just doing routine exercises”

Any current or former servicemen/women care to weigh in on this? Because I suspect that Moon has no idea how the military operates.
Transitioning into Chapter 2, Moon and Nichols return to the base yet again (why don’t they just rent a house in Montauk?) and actually get yelled at by a guard, claiming that the land is private property. Nichols retorts that it’s public, state property, and thus begins a lengthy back-and-forth exchange that ultimately results in the guard calling the police, and then getting into an argument with them when they point out that Nichols is right. Later, the duo learn that the guard was actually a Brookhaven National Laboratory employee named John Zacker, who was an acquaintance of one of the duo’s friends. This friend called Zacker up, and the guy claimed that he didn’t even remember being at Montauk. After that call, he vanished without a trace. The duo then went to a real estate office where an angry employee told them that Camp Hero was federal property. When they looked over a tax map, she quickly changed her story to claim that it was state property and essentially told them to piss off. They also learn that the cars of some of the people who helped them were being set on fire.
Chapter 3 calls back to the incident in which state police ticketed Nichols and his friends for trespassing on the base and the resulting lawsuit against the police.

“On May 19, 1993 there was a hearing in East Hampton Justice Court, Suffolk County. The docket numbers were 93-4-345, 93-4-346 and 93-4-347. The judge was Honorable James R. Ketcham, the prosecuting attorney was Michael Brown, Esq. (Assistant District Attorney) and the court reporter was Elena McClash.”

So there you go, if you want to go out and read the actual transcript yourself, head over there, but I’ll abstain. Nichols and friends were charged with trespassing and Nichols argued that a law required all state park land to be available to the public. The judge ordered the DA to bring in the trooper who ticketed the group and the trial occurred on June 16, 1993. Moon was not present because;

“I could not attend the trial as a friend had set it up for me to attend a Moody Blues concert and give Justin Hayward a copy of the Montauk Project (I received word later that he enjoyed it and that the next album of the group would be called ‘Time Traveler’).”

So after attempting to unsuccessfully claim credit for The X-Files, Moon is now trying to claim that he inspired a British rock band. This guy strikes me as being far too desperate to get recognized by someone, anyone at all.
We get a summary of the trial itself, where it is revealed that Nichols was acting as the attorney. Yes, our dear crazy friend Preston B. Nichols, Slayer of Demofoots and destroyer of UFOs, stood before a judge in a United States court and tried to argue a case. Holy shit, I think I might have to reverse my stance on seeing that transcript. But perhaps the most mind-boggling element was that he actually won. Yeah, the judge dismissed the case because there was insufficient signage at the base stating that it was off-limits. Damn, I better watch what I say about him from now on.
The trial left many questions regarding the Camp’s ownership unanswered, so the investigation continues in Chapter 4. Moon looks through old newspaper clippings and learns that the General Services Administration had attempted to sell the 278 acre property in 1984 on orders from President Reagan, but was fought by multiple federal officials. Somehow, after a lengthy process a tax bill got the land turned over to the state, no official ceremony ever occurred.
While researching the meaning of the word “Montauk” in Chapter 5, Moon stumbles across a book containing an old photograph of a pyramid-shape mound about twenty feet high at Montauk. Moon also discovers that (interestingly enough,) the Montaukett Indian leaders took the last name of “Pharaoh”, thus making another connotation with Egypt. Also, a guy named Colonel William Parsons allegedly enslaved the Montauketts. In addition, Thomas Jefferson recorded their language. Moon presented all of this information to his cynical friend Kenn Arthur;

“ I then told him about Thomas Jefferson and his pursuit of the Montauks’ language. He told me that the tongue the Montauks spoke was known as Vril, an ancient Atlantean tongue. Kenn said that it was a later version of an even more ancient tongue called Enochian, the language of the angels.”

………………
You know, Moon has a habitat of just casually dropping in bombshells like this. You would just be reading and nodding along as he talks about Thomas Jefferson and a connection between the Montauketts and Egypt, and then BOOM! ATLANTIS!
This book….
Arthur then goes on to explain that Atlantean leaders also had rulers called Pharaohs and that a series of small pyramids made of white bricks existed at Montauk at one point which were covered up. Also, the pyramid mounds were apparently razed during World War I. Moon then contacts Madam X who then explains that the pyramids at Montauk, Egypt, Atlantis and Mars (which you may remember from the first book) were all connected on a grid that “support our planet in space and time”. This grid was possibly used to “as a pattern for creation that some stellar or divine influence used in order to create a planet or the like”. In addition, both Egypt and Montauk were remnants of Atlantis, and that the Egyptians and Montauketts were the descendants of Atlanteans hence the “Pharaoh” title. Also, there was a connection made between Montauk and Montu, the Egyptian god of war and the fact that Montauk is parallel to Mount Olympus and Troy, as well as being 100 degrees from the Great Pyramids. Finally Camp Hero was built on sacred Native American ground.
Say, does anyone remember when the weirdest part of these books was a bunch of Brookhaven scientists launching radios into the air to change the weather? Man, those were the days.
This segways into the “Montauk Mistrial”, in which a bunch of corporate assholes managed to get the Montauketts declared an “extinct tribe” in 1910, (due to intermarriage with African-Americans) in order to steal their land. Moon adds this random comment;

“The judge’s name was Abel Blackmar which is rather amusing if you consider the proposition the proposition that people dramatize their own names. In such an instance, he would dramatize being “able” to “mar” “blacks”.

…….Moving on….
Arthur then explains the reason for this;

“He told me that there had been a systematic attempt to ‘degrade’ them and their heritage by ‘forcing’ them to intermarry with blacks. This was done through economic deprivation and manipulation rather supervised intercourse. The design was for them to become ‘the lowest of the low’.

Yeah, I can see the government at the time pulling shit like this. A Montaukett contacts Moon and further elaborates that companies screwed them over even more by denying them work, which would “economically strangle” them into joining the military, in which they would have to register as “black”, which would supposedly solidify that they were actually black. In 1918 the Montauketts were then declared to be “white men” by court ruling as yet another “fuck you”, courtesy of Uncle Sam (thankfully, this was finally reversed in 2013).
Chapter 7 discusses the Montaukett tribe culture in detail. It also describes Moon meeting a Montaukett retired policeman named Robert Cooper, who is trying to regain the tribe’s land and heritage. Moon describes him thusly;

“Although he is dark skinned, he does not look like what would be termed an African American. His features would coincide with an Atlantean (based upon the legends of some of the various races of Atlantis), or Polynesian appearance.”

I’m just going to hope that Moon didn’t say that to his face. He also has this to say;

“What I found most impressive about Bob Cooper is that he does not want the land so that the Montauks can sell tobacco and have gambling casinos.”

You know Moon, if you’re “impressed” by this, I think you may be a slightly racist prick. Regardless, Cooper is simply trying to regain the tribe’s sacred land for spiritual reasons.
Moon then puts in the now defunct PO address for the tribe requesting that readers donate. In a similar vein, I’m going to put the link to the tribe’s website and donation page here and here. Now, to get serious for a minute, I’m also going to request that you kind people consider donating to the tribe as well. These guys have practically lost everything, even their heritage and they’re still fighting for it. Though the ruling that they are an “extinct” tribe was reversed in 2013, legislation restoring their status as a state-recognized tribe apparently died in committee in 2014, and the tribe is trying to push it through once again this year (you can view the details here). The point is, they need help. So once again, I encourage you and everyone else in the Stranger Things community to send some money their way to help out. God knows that no one else is giving them support; there really seems to be just us. The 2014 measure failed in no small part due to sheer apathy on the part of the electorate, and seeing as how this wasn’t even mentioned by the news media, it might happen again. That said, I’m also going to ask you spread the news of this yourself; in person, on social media, wherever. If you live in New York, please write to your District Senator (if you don’t know who that is, you check here) I have no idea if this will make a difference, but we should at least try to help these guys out instead of just allowing them to get screwed over yet again. Maybe something good will come out of these godawful books. With that said, let’s get back to the riffing.
Chapter 8 deals with Moon’s hunt for Camp Hero’s deed holder. The “Quitclaim Deed” stipulates that the land belongs to New York, but the federal government can take it back at a moment’s notice for the purpose of national defense, and the federal government still owns the underground. In accordance with the Non-Intercourse Act, if the Montauketts gain the recognition of their tribe back, they could reclaim their land (so once again, pleaseplease help them out).
In Chapter 9, Moon meets a Montaukett shaman named Sharon Jackson who explains how the Montauketts managed to preserve their culture and stated that the pyramids “were not of the Earth”, and may have been carved from the same material as their “Council Rock”.
Chapters 10-11 are just incredibly in depth discussions of the “morphogenetic grid”, Montauk’s position as a “gateway”, how the grid is composed of “Platonic solids”, how bones store “life information” on the grid (and allow communication with the dead), and how Cameron was able to tap into the energy.
Chapter 12 talks about the “mystery schools” and how they are constantly at odds with each due to different belief systems. Also, Moon states that whatever religion or belief system that has the most members has the most “thought feeding” into the grid, and the prophecy of that religion will be the one to come true. So I guess this means that if enough people convert to Pastafarianism the world will end with the Flying Spaghetti Monster destroying us all.
Chapter 13 talks about the concept of God. Prepare yourself.
According to Moon, there is in fact no one monitoring the Earth, and that the Morphogenetic Grid is using geometry to push evolutionary changes.

“In other words, there is apparently no one who is monitoring and programming evolution in positive and business like[sic] manner. At least, if they are, they’re not making themselves very well known. Most people, particularly your television commentators, are just muddling along in time and reporting their version of ‘what happens’.”

I love how Moon is still bitter over getting blocked from television, and couldn’t resist throwing in another petty jab at them in the middle of his book.

“In recent years, there has been much panic ‘pumped into the grid’ as people have focused on environmental crises. Some want us to believe the Earth is in direct threat of extinction by means of a ‘greenhouse effect’ or other means. Others want us to think that environmentalists have their own corrupt and sinister agenda.”

…. And apparently the climate change debate is having an effect on the grid too. Okay then…
Oh, and every living thing is programmed by a biometric code the grid issues which can be manipulated by telepaths like Duncan Cameron.
Chapter 14 sets forth the idea that the Celts had originated in India, stopped by Egypt and hung out there until the Jewish slaves fled and left with the Pharaoh’s daughter, eventually settling in the British Isles. Also, Shakespeare apparently predicted Duncan Cameron in The Scottish Play (hey, I’m an actor and I don’t want to take any chances). This somehow indicates Cameron’s lineage to the Pharaohs.
Chapter 15 explains how the Pharaoh’s function was to balance good and evil and “pump the morphogenetic grid with information”, which gave him great magical power.

“The Pharaonic line had its most severe setback at the time of Moses, an Egyptian high priest who was groomed for the Pharaohship.

Well, let’s see how Moon utterly disfigures this religious figure.

“Moses literally initiated the downfall of Egypt by orchestrating the Exodus and taking off with the Arcadian staff, a magical/technical device handed down from Atlantis.”

Just as I suspected. After that, the role of the Pharaoh became fractionalized into bickering secret societies. Also, the pyramids are repositories for magic and there is an identical pyramid that is reversed directly below the Great Pyramid and interfaces with other realities. As usual, Moon does not bother to explain how he acquired this information.
Chapter 16 further elaborates how Tahuti, the god of wisdom, built the Great Pyramid and is currently residing there just… hanging out and watching American Gods, I guess. Apparently adept magic students can literally drop by and say hello and ascend out of this realm.
Chapter 17 is a very lengthy chapter discussing the history of Mars, Earth’s relation to it, and how it affects us. To summarize, when Mars swings close to Earth, it tends to cause cataclysmic events. In addition, Mars may have begotten life onto Earth due to the idea that the Egyptian city of Baal was founded by Martians, who proceeded to mate with humans. The people of Baal had an identical blood type to the Gaelic people, which was mostly Rh negative blood. Moon thinks that this means that if you have Rh positive blood, it means that you have a similar genetic structure to a rhesus monkey.

“None of this is meant to suggest that you yourself were derived from apes, but if you suddenly feel an incessant craving for bananas or the desire to swing from trees, be calm. It is just you genetic memory coming awake and it will soon pass.”

Is… this supposed to be a joke? I’m honestly not sure whether Moon wants me to take this seriously or not. Anyway, what is most definitely not a joke is the fact that people with Rh negative blood are descended from Martians. Of course.
This book…
He then finally starts talking about something actually related to Stranger Things;

“…studies were done on human beings subjected to complete sensory deprivation in a flotation tank. After a period of time by various individuals in the tank, the body clocks which control all the autonomous nervous systems all returned to a cycle of 24 hours and forty minutes. This is the length of a Martian day! If this is the case, then maybe our entire genetics originated from Mars when it occupied the cradle orbit.”

…Okay, tangentially related to Stranger Things with a pinch of insanity mixed in.
He goes on another tangent about the Cathars and moves onto Chapter 18, which expands this idea of Martian colonization further and claims that Earth was initially settled by an alien “Elder Race” called the Elohim, who ended the dinosaurs and became human. They left behind symbols etched into crystals that were scattered around the world, connecting the Egyptians, the Atlanteans, the Sirians and the mystery schools together. Also, there are ten pyramids at Shensi, China that are the “last seal to be broken”, and a “lost science” would be rediscovered on how to manipulate the grid. Apparently the Nazis tried to get it.
Chapter 19 is another lengthy chapter describing how the “Eye of Horus” fuses both sections of the brain together which would open the third eye which in turn would allow the person to tap into the grid for magical purposes. The rest is just a whole bunch of metaphysical and magical lunacy mixed in with the mystery schools, the Sphinx and the connection between memory and the magnetic grid. Also apparently, the Age of Aquarius started in 2012.

“If all the information given in this book is generally correct, it suggests we will be bombarded with various information that has remained buried for millennia. If this is true we have much reason to hope that the Age of Aquarius will be one of true enlightenment and understanding. Although we might find that incredible information is in ample supply, we would all be foolish to think that everything is going to come to us automatically with no effort on our part. But there does seem to be plenty of optimism for those of us who want to learn from our ancient past and program our future accordingly.”

So post 2012 is an era of “true enlightenment and understanding”, huh?
I should point out that as of May 10, Moon is still alive (and offering patent instructions for a DIY time machine, apparently). I would love to hear what he would have to say about social media and fake news.
Chapters 21-22 is just plain insanity. And by that I mean more insane than usual. So during the time of Atlantis 13,000 years ago, everyone was magical, but society began to decline as people began to move toward the Dark Side (seriously). “The Light Warriors” then split into two factions; the Phrees and the Catholies. The former believed in independence and founded the Egyptian kingdom and the latter believed in control and founded Rome. Apparently, literally the entire history of the world, from the Roman Empire to the Holy Roman Empire to the founding of Islam to the Crusades to the Inquisition to the destruction of the Knights Templar to the American Revolution to the French Revolution to Napoleon’s conquests to the British Empire to the Jacobite Rebellion to the American Civil War to World War I was the result of the secret war being waged by these two groups.
What’s that you say? Why yes, this is the plot of Assassin’s Creed, how’d you guess? Well, actually I should clarify; it’s Assassin’s Creed if the participants were Jedi and Sith.
You know, out of all of the ludicrous concepts in these books, I almost kind of wish that this one was true. How awesome would be to live in a world where Jedi Knights fought Sith Lords throughout time in a secret war that continues to this day? Actually, I think I’m starting to understand the appeal of these books.
All of this climaxed when Hitler (oh boy, here we go) found the Spear of Longinus and used it in his conquests. It was later found in a vault by American forces hours after his death, presumably lead by William Blazkowicz. Chapter 22 continues this thread with the CIA discovered all of the things the Nazis came up with, they quickly began to cover it up. See, a guy named Karl Haushofer an occultist who was able to predict the future, formed both the Thule Society and the Vril Society, the latter of which apparently managed to contact aliens who decided to share some UFO technology with them. He met up with Hitler via Rudolf Hess and “found a use for him as a German messiah” (even though he was Austrian, but whatever), helping him rise to power. Meanwhile, the Thule Society hooked up with Aleister Crowley’s boys (remember him?) and managed to open a time rift in 1923. They formed another group called the “Order of the Black Sun” (pretty badass name, actually).

“In project Phisummum the Order of the Black Sun wanted to retrieve the Holy Grail from a past century and put it into the hands of the groomer of the Antichrist. This was at best an attempt to balance the two forces and create a transdimensional consciousness. As part of this magical process, Aleister Crowley and other magicians participated. Some of them were high ranking Nazis. Sex magic was employed and the Spear of Longinus was supposedly used as a magical power source.”

For once, I’m glad that Moon doesn’t go into detail here. I really don’t need to know the specifics of how high-ranking Nazis used sex magic. My apologies if you’re in to that sort of thing. Apparently this caused a “time explosion” and a scientist stole some crystals that were crucial to the project. Meanwhile;

“These secret societies saw Hitler as a Moonchild or messiah that could be used to unite the world and rebuild the Tower of Babylon in order to unite consciousness with the most high.”

Uh-huh.
Also, Hitler was best friends with the Pleiadians, who lent him some UFO tech, which appeared in the form of the infamous Foo Fighters. However, the “German contact” who relayed all of this information to Moon says that this is, of course, absolutely ridiculous.
Hitler was friends with the Aldeberans, you American dummbatz.
With that said, why are conspiracy theorists so convinced that the alien races were so keen on helping out the Third Reich? If I was some alien emperor from the Andromeda Galaxy looking to sponsor a human government, I think that the country run by a complete moron with a cocaine addiction and chronic flatulence would be the last choice. Actually, come to think of it, maybe that’s why the aliens gave him their tech; just so they could see how this idiot could fuck it up for their amusement.
Anyway, apparently the “Axis” moniker came from the shift of the Earth’s axis and its correspondence to “the black sun in the center of the galaxy” courtesy of Haushofer who was apparently a brilliant man, but he failed because of Hitler.
See, the “brilliant intellect and precise magician” (seriously) was told by his “mystic visions” to use the Spear of Longinus for evil, thus filling the role of the Antichrist. Regardless, Haushofer used his clairvoyance to advise Hitler of military strategy, but ultimately became disgusted by Hitler’s “Final Solution”.

“By this time, Hitler was an absolute dictator and was not respectful of the societies that had put him into power.”

It’s almost like putting a complete fucking lunatic in charge of the country was a bad idea. In order to stop Hitler, Haushofer met with Crowley and Ian Fleming (the author of the James Bond novels) and arranged for Rudolf Hess to make his infamous flight to Britain to arrange a peace treaty. This of course failed when Hess was arrested, so Haushofer threw his lot in with Operation Valkyrie to take out Hitler. This also failed and Haushofer was kept in prison until the end of the war, after which he testified at Nuremberg and drank arsenic until he died. He also had a rather badass saying; “One who rides a tiger can’t expect to get off.”
Chapter 23 elaborates on Ian Fleming’s involvement; basically he somehow found out about the Philadelphia Experiment and was going to relay the information to another British agent, but died before he could do so on August 12th. Apparently this information would have concerned the magical ritual Crowley was performing the same day that the Experiment occurred.
Once again, this is too long for Reddit, so I'm going to have to split it up.
Continue to Part 2