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Hypothetical New Overwatch Team Locations for 2022
Hi everyone! I know the odds of us getting new teams this next year (or ever) are fairly slim, but still, I thought it would be fun to theorize where new teams could go in terms of cities! I decided to look at city's for teams based by city size, the ability to travel (how much foot traffic the cities airports get), by Open Division team entry numbers, and by overall region strength (using contenders and world cup data, so keep in mind its not all new data). This is also assuming that homesteads are still the future of Overwatch, so teams basing around travel hubs is a smart decision. The Breakdown: I think OWL makes the most sense when you break down the regions into two: The East (Asia), and The West (NA + EU). Within the two regions, there will also be subdivisions being China, Korea, and Pacific for the East, and NA and EU for the West. Based on the current existing team locations I have devised a possible split for a number of teams per each region, given there were planned 28 teams planned at the beginning of the league (not sure if that number still stands, but it's fun to dream). The split goes as follows:
12 North American Teams (You will notice that is one less then there currently is, I’ll get to that later)
4 European Teams (It could use more, but since NA already has so many teams, I have to use EU Sparingly for a nice division, otherwise there would be equal NA to EU)
8 Chinese Teams (Open Division in China is booming and they have some of the biggest and busiest cities in the world)
3 Korean Teams (Yes, all the talent in OWL is Korean, but in terms of homestead audience, there aren’t many big cities and travel hubs to choose from outside of Seoul)
1 Pacific (This one is up in the air, as it is essentially a wildcard team that can include Korea, China, and anywhere in South East Asia, but will more frequently be paired with Korea since they have an odd number of teams)
The split of the 2 teams would go 16 in The West and 12 in the East, Ideally, it would be split 50/50, but as I said, The US has too many teams already. Now onto the cities that should be included! Must Haves Beijing, China – Beijing is the biggest city in China and the busiest airport in China. If they plan to add any other teams to china, Beijing seems to be the obvious answer Shenzen, China – Another big Chinese City with a large international airport for ease of travel Xi’an, China - Another big Chinese City with a large international airport for ease of travel, League of Legends also has one of their teams geolocated here, so they are no strangers to having a esport team located in the city Busan, Korea – Busan is the 3rd biggest city in Korea, and we know Korea has the talent base to represent another portion of the country other than the greater area around Seoul (Give me the Busan Runaway!) Incheon, Korea – Incheon is right next to Seoul and could work in doubling up in Seoul teams (Similar to LA) or having one in Seoul and one in Incheon, like with Busan, we know Korea has the talent! Dependents Pacific Region – Pacific has a lot of choices that can also work within China as new Chinese teams depending on how you view it
Hong Kong, SAR China – Independent of China in government (although riots are still happening). Hong Kong often plays for the Pacific Region even though it is more or less attached to mainland China, so could work for Pacific or China
Taipei, Taiwan – Another debated Pacific team on whether it would go to its own region in the pacific, or if its in the China delegation. If Activision Blizzard wants to be friendly with China, they may not want to go near Taiwan
Tokyo, Japan – The biggest metropolitan city in the world, and tons of air traffic, and a big esports presence. However, esports is not big in OW when compared to Hong Kong or Taiwan
Personally, I say have Hong Kong as a China team, and Tokyo as a Pacific team
European – Europe has 4 possible countries to choose from that have an equal footing when looking at possible teams, but only has enough slots for 2 more teams, So I put it into a pick 2 out of the 4 situations.
Amsterdam, The Netherlands – Fun city, lots of Overwatch played there, 3rd biggest in airport traffic (behind London and Paris)
Frankfurt/Berlin/Munich, Germany – All big cities in Germany, and Munich and Frankfurt have some of the most airport traffic for central EU. Germany is obviously a popular choice and back in season 2, there were talks of a German team as well in Berlin, but it ended up falling through
Madrid/Barcelona – Spain is another popular country with a high level of airport traffic and population to reach to encompass the fan base, as well as also having brief talks of a team in season 2. Recently OWL has not seen a lot of new strong talent from Spain
Stockholm, Sweeden – Not a lot of airport traffic (compared to the top 3), but tons of player engagement, the Nordic countries have arguably the best players in EU, and Stockholm can work as a nordic shipping point for these players
Team Moves Lastly, involves some teams moving from their current locations. Out of all the teams in the US, a couple of cities don’t make sense, as either the population is low (relative to other big cities) or it is not a travel hub, making it harder for the players. For the 3 Teams that would move, I have picked a possible new location that I feel would better suit the ease of travel and still contains a large market for the audience. Houston Outlaws – Move to Las Vegas, the branding still makes sense, (Las Vegas Outlaws, Ante Up!) the company that owns the Outlaws do business in Las Vegas (They don’t do business in Houston), you get access to a large travel hub, and you no longer compete with Dallas for most popular Texas team (which even though Dallas has been underperforming, they have always been the more popular of the Texas teams) Boston Uprising – Move to Chicago, this one the branding doesn’t make sense, and honestly, this is a pipe dream of a move, but the team is in Boston makes no sense (Other than knowing who the owner is) There are a massive amount of bigger markets elsewhere, with bigger travel hubs and populations, not even worldwide but in the US alone! They may need to rebrand, but a couple of cities that have a bigger travel hub and population than Boston is Chicago, Phoenix, Denver, and Charlotte. All of these make more sense for a global league instead of Boston, with Chicago being a clear winner. Philadelphia Fusion – Move to Incheon/Seoul, This one is an interesting one, yes Philadelphia has a fairly big population, but in terms of traveling its awful, its not ranked in the top 60 most traveled airports in the world (everything else that I have listed has been) and it's only in Philly because the owners, Comcast, is headquartered there. However, Comcast also owns SK Telecom T1, which originally came from Korea, and with the T1 contender's team currently in Korea, and the team being Primarily Korean, I can see them making the move out of the US to get a better market in Korea either being Seoul’s second team (similar to LA) or being the Incheon Team. So a possible 28 team league could look something like this: Atlanta Reign – NA, West Lo Angeles Gladiators – NA, West Los Angeles Valiant- NA, West Dallas Fuel - NA, West New York Excelsior – NA, West San Francisco Shock – NA, West Vancouver Titans – NA, West Washington Justice – NA, West Florida Mayhem – NA, West Toronto Defiant – NA, West Houston Outlaws -> Las Vegas Outlaws – NA, West Boston Uprising -> Chicago Uprising – NA, West London Spitfire – EU, West Paris Eternal – EU, West New OWL Team Berlin – EU, West New OWL Team Amsterdam – EU, West Shanghai Dragons - China, East Guangzhou Charge – China, East Chengdu Hunters – China, East Hangzhou Spark – China, East New OWL Team Hong Kong – China, East New OWL Team Xi’an – China, East New OWL Team Bejing – China, East New OWL Team Shenzhen – China, East Seoul Dynasty – Korea, East Philadelphia Fusion -> Incheon Fusion – Korea, East New OWL Team Busan – Korea, East New OWL Team Tokyo – Pacific, East I hope you have enjoyed reading my totally hypothetical nonsense! If you have your own hypothetical nonsense I would love to hear it! Edit: I know Philly's move is a pipe dream, I choose them since they were one of the only teams that have connections to an org that works in Korea (T1) another move that could work but would be a pipe dream is Mayhem moving to EU, since Misfits (the org owner) has a slot in the LEC Edit 2: Since a lot of you don't like my US team moves and the governmental issues with Hong Kong/Taiwan, I have revised the list slightly (taken from one of my comments below): Atlanta Reign – NA, West Lo Angeles Gladiators – NA, West Los Angeles Valiant- NA, West Dallas Fuel - NA, West New York Excelsior – NA, West San Francisco Shock – NA, West Vancouver Titans – NA, West Washington Justice – NA, West Florida Mayhem – NA, West Toronto Defiant – NA, West Houston Outlaws - NA, West Boston Uprising – NA, West Philadelphia Fusion - NA, West New OWL Team Chicago– NA, West London Spitfire – EU, West Paris Eternal – EU, West New OWL Team Amsterdam – EU, West Shanghai Dragons - China, East Guangzhou Charge – China, East Chengdu Hunters – China, East Hangzhou Spark – China, East New OWL Team Suzhou – China, East New OWL Team Xi’an – China, East New OWL Team Bejing – China, East New OWL Team Shenzhen – China, East Seoul Dynasty – Korea, East New OWL Team Busan – Korea, East New OWL Team Incheon – Korea, East New OWL Team Sydney/Singapore – Pacific, East I feel like it would be easier to sell investors in Sydney on a possible team over more investors in Korea or Singapore, but Sydney could be changed for the 4th team from Korea or Singapore (If we wanted to keep the East vs West equal) Other then that, I added another US team since, let's be real, that's most likely what will happen, taking away one of the new EU teams in its place. If there was any roster move to make up for the 3 teams it could be Florida to EU since the Misfits (owners of the Mayhem) have a LEC team so they already own a massive organization located in Europe, however, this is unlikely so I didn't add it. I also added Suzhou instead of Hong Kong, since that's where another geolocated LPL team is from. What do you think of this revision?
My hands speaking my words: recap of Happily Ever After S05E05
The struggle to select a single quote that captures the essence of an episode has never felt more real. From Debbie finally celebrating her inner Lady MacBeth, to Low finding a more eloquent way to say “I hate Othello,” this episode is 90DF Shakespeare. Hey nonny nonny. In a moment of zero suspense, Larissa walks into the immigration office, and then walks right back out. That’s right, friends: those shots of her in the rest of the season aren’t holograms. She tells her friend that they took something like a mug shot, and “then she took the finger.” That Clue game always gets so weird after this turn. Later on Larissa meets up with Eric, to ask if they can have a fake reunion to match their fake breakup from their fake relationship, and Eric asks if he can use that “ash in the wind” line he was saving for the next time he wrote a country song. Larissa says fine. During their conversation we learn that Larissa broke up with Eric via text. Then people started harassing her online, calling “my butt cheesy butt,” and Larissa decided this must be Eric and filed a police report on him. That must have been amazing paperwork. “Ma’am, just following up on a report you submitted. You’re on…instagram, is that right? Now the instagram, is that the internet? Okay, okay, just making sure. So, do you feel unsafe on the internets after this ‘cheesy butt’ threat that you received? And you have reason to believe that Eric is responsible for this ass slander? Does he have special knowledge of your butt cheese, ma’am?” She and Eric still have issues, and they’re not afraid to exaggerate them for the next six or so episodes, while mining for something more interesting than “cheap” to butt heads about. That should carry them to the point in the narrative where Jess contacts Larissa to tell her that she was right. Speaking of Debbie, she’s never left the country before, because the weight limit for checked baggage prevents her from taking Colt and her slot machine. Still, she’s eager to see what their Walmart is like, because there’s nothing more exciting than seeing the same thing you have at home, but elsewhere. “That’s interesting,” Paul interjects. “Have you heard of this place called a ‘grocery store’? Karine says they have them in Brazil, but I didn’t pay attention to the food because it wasn’t in English.” “Well I don’t understand why it’s not in English,” Mother Debbie is worried. “How do they expect people to go there? Do they even have maps? What about numbers? Do they use those funny symbols you see in caves? What time is Wheel of Fortune on there?” Paul: Do you have an opening for a son, by any chance? I promise I’ll never leave. Ever. Mother Debbie: Well I’m going to have to ask Colt. Until I do you can have this spare change I cut out of his pants, and caught in my mouth while clinging to his ankles. That’s why he wears shorts now. I don’t think that’s fair to me. Debbie is concerned that Jess is another Larissa, and fears Colt will make the same decisions all over again. “If I tell you I have a bad feeling, will you listen to me?” She pleads with Colt. “I don’t know,” Colt waffles. “You usually have a bad feeling about the women I’m dating by the third date.” “The second date. Then I press my face into the glass of their bedroom windows until it leaves a grease print, and I come back again and again, until I am the bad feeling, imprinted FOREVER. You should probably never date anyone again.” Colt just continues to pile the clothes Debbie folded into his Mary Poppins suitcase, while her anxiety forms a cloud around him. “People at home are saying for God’s sake lady, let him live his life,” Debbie tells the producers. Yes, we are saying this. “Well, no.” This woman knows herself! After a lengthy flight that I’m sure was peppered with stunning observations like, “well these peanuts are little” and “the sun sure is hot!” Colt is starting to worry that his mom tagging along wasn’t the best idea. She notes the Panda Express at the airport, and is relieved to see you can be disappointed anywhere in the world. Jess is a bit uneasy as she awaits the arrival of Colt and his mother, because she’s thinking about Larissa’s warnings. She says she’s going to keep that conversation from Colt, because they agreed not to talk about it until the reunion. They deplane, and Jess happily embraces Colt. Debbie is exactly as warm and welcoming as you’d expect, as she describes Jess as “voluptuous” which makes her think of sex, so the jealousy fertilizes her egg of rage. After both Colt and Jess assure viewers and Debbie that they eagerly anticipate sex that is sexy, and also sex with sexual sexiness, they get into an Uber for the hotel, and start tossing out hypothetical baby names. Debbie doesn’t understand why Colt never considered her ability to mother again. Hell she toted colt for 18 months, give or take, and breast fed him till 25. Now she’s getting left out? Unfair. “I still change his diapers and fold his underwear in the cutest little squares,” Debbie spurts. “Then I warm them in my mouth and rewrite his name on the waistband with a sharpie when my drool fades the original name away. Sometime I blow them dry after he puts them back on. What are we talking about?” Jess is all of us: “I think it’s weird that Debbie is here. It’s my vacation, and it’s better me and Colt alone.” “Yes, those are alarme bells,” Larissa coaches. “They go a ding a ding a ding. Debbie is under bed right now-e. Also, do not eat the beef stew.” Jess and Colt share a series of gerbil kisses right in front of first wife Debbie, and she has not consented to the triad. It burns her face, and she tries to wipe it away, but nope: it’s still her face. She thinks Jess is trying to talk him into being an adult, when he’s perfectly fine as a permanent 14 year old boy. “I’m really sick,” Debbie declares. “And not manipulative at all.” Hoping for an orgy, Colt only reserved one hotel room, and Debbie DGAF, she just needs to sleep. Jess starts pressing her about how she slept in Vegas or something, and this reminds me of a dog cornering a skunk, then barking at it. Debbie says you either let her sleep for ten minutes or take her to a hospital in 30 minutes, GODDAMMIT. I’M REALLY SICK. Then Jess says Debbie is rude, and while this is true, dude, you were barking at a skunk. Tania is taking her scrutiny of Syngin on the road to a nice looking nail salon, thanks to friend Monique. Let’s all take a moment to reminisce about way back in the day, when we would dunk out feet in water and trust a stranger’s hands to soften our heels with a cheese grater before wrapping them in plastic bags full of wax. Good times. Anyway, Monique is acutely aware of what a giant pain in the ass Tania is, and points out that not only did they just get married, but now he has to wait on Tania hand and foot, so the “for worst” part of their wedding vows arrived a little early. “He doesn’t wait on me hand and foot,” Tania corrects. “He just carries me around the apartment on his back, between bathing me and making me breakfast, and looking for a job. Yes, I have a crutch, what?” Since expressing gratitude for his service can’t happen, Tania fixates on what she now describes as a drinking problem, while continuing to drink herself. She says he can work now and has been hunting for a job, but pickings are slim for a bartender who can’t pour a Guinness. The manicurist looks up periodically to make sure she’s actually on television. Syngin has been waiting for his next chance to play the “you’re not my soul mate” card, and that moment is now. He’s beginning to piece together that he’s going to spend the next six months waiting for her foot to heal, then the six months after that watching her fill out disability forms for the instant arthritis that activated the minute she put a boot on. Then they’ll need another six months to save up money, then oh look, she’s pregnant, so maybe another 18 years in CT, with Syngin carrying Tania and all the babies from room to room like a possum. Plus, he didn’t get married to get married, he got married because the K1 left him without options. Tania says she’s ready to make a one-to-three year plan, which sounds like something she does before blowing it off for a trip to Costa Rica, at which point it becomes a to-do list for the left behind. But Syngin? Now that he’s married, Syngin doesn’t know if he’s ready to be a husband, or to be burdened by children, and yes, men on this show never understand a biological clock, and Tania should start talking to her male friends about sperm donation now. “I don’t know if I want to stay in a country that leaves you with a mountain of debt from a routine surgery,” Syngin doesn’t say at all. “I mean, my liver is going to fail sometime in the next ten years, and I’d like to be prepared.” Tania is concerned that this is the first time she’s hearing that he’s uninterested in remaining in America. Syngin insists he doesn’t want to raise children here or send them to school here, and Tania makes her case with, “BUT I TURNED OUT FINE.” You know it’s true when someone shouts it. Toddler Aseulu somehow impregnated Kalani twice before his balls dropped. Last night he shoved all his Batman comics and Lunchables into his Hot Wheels suitcase, and dragged it all the way to the bus where he asked for a one-way ticket to outer space, like the man of the house. Kalani reports that after he stormed away he sent her a series of riddles and a treasure map to help her pinpoint his location and be away from her children and family as long as possible. Kalani said tell me where the fuck you are, my dude, because it’s your son’s birthday, and Oliver shouldn’t wonder where his dad is when they all live in the same house. Asuelu agrees to return, but just to play video games and sulk, MOM. Kolini and Low arrive for the party, and they ask where Asuelu is, and Kalani says that he “came back” when they don’t yet know the story of his leaving. Low asks for more information, and gets the details of their car ride, save for the whole “lying bitch” part. Low agrees to keep it cool since it’s Oliver’s birthday and he’s capable of thinking of others, but he’s going to go ahead and polish up his ass-kicking shoes so they’re ready to be taken for a walk. Kalani wastes her time checking on Asuelu to try to coax him away from his video games and into adulthood, by promising he can eat all the hotdogs he wants, before resuming efforts to arrange a party for her son, by herself. Teenagers, amirite? Later on the party is happening, and Oliver is driving a remote control car all around the rental property. One of Kalani’s friends asks where Asuelu is, and Kalani says he’s stretching out his butthole in preparation for Low’s foot. She again says she’s going to check on him again, which is two times more than she should have indulged this shit, and he again says he doesn’t want to talk to anybody and is going to stay in his fort ALONE, MOM. “It’s like talking to a four year-old,” Kalani tells Kolini when she returns, which isn’t fair, because even a four year-old would come out for cake. As the party goes on, Low is not impressed. “The Samoan way, it would be my hands speaking my words,” Low explains. But he agreed to be nice (for now) because cameras are rolling, and that’s too much evidence for a lawsuit. “This is why I said I’m the dad,” Kolini adds. “I mean, did you see his reference to his boo hole last season? Jesus Christ. She has two babies sucking the life out of her, and now she has a husband sucking the life out of her.” Then Kolini strikes a match on a gold filling to announce her status as keeper of the flame. Eager to do the bare minimum, Aseulu finally opens the door and comes out. Kalani’s expression rotates between walking on eggshells and being psychically exhausted. When the party ends, Kalani asks if there’s anything he wants to say to her, and Asuelu asks why the word ‘house’ has an ‘ow’ in the middle. Kalani wrongly thought an apology might be directed her way. Nah. The plan is to maintain the tantrum until she demands that he go to Samoa alone, like the man of the house. Is anyone on this show not dating a man-baby? Save us, Angela, save us! She’s getting ready to take off for Nigeria, and her friend Amy is going to help her out by taking care of her mother and the kids while she’s gone. We learn so much about Angela by the circle around her, which is huge and honest and loyal. Before walking out the door she fusses over her mother one last time, asks if she’s wet, which only further illuminates how much caretaking Angela does. “Got any last minute advice?” She asks her mother as she readies to depart. “Just go and get married, whatever,” Mother Angela says, and I need this embroidered on a pillow. After her plane lands, Angela hunts down her MeMaw gear in baggage claim, and finally spies it thanks to some sticker decorations. Michael is waiting for her, wearing his Angela nameplate necklace. They warmly embrace, and it’s all happy and shit. Michael and Angela are going to test drive living together by sharing an apartment. She walks in with a few compliments about the place, before the producers step in to ask if she can isolate something to complain about for fuck’s sake. Angela says I’ve got you, and declares she’s not sleeping in the bed, because it’s “hard as an erection.” Then she notices a dead rat in a trap, and Michael seizes the opportunity to chase her with it. This is one of the most relationship-like gestures in this series in a long time, and a reminder of how rarely we see a couple enjoying each other. More of this, please! Libby will soon be studied in psychology classes as an example of total passive-aggression, while her husband will be offered up as exhibit A: the long term effects of bad romantic decisions. Mother Andrei has prepared a full afternoon spread my grandmother assures me is required of all Eastern European women, while Libby cuts up bananas and an avocados for homemade baby food for Eleanor. They’re both frustrated by the language barrier, but Andrei can’t be bothered to translate, because he’s showing everyone pictures of monster trucks and guns, and also his dick, like the head of the household. Once they sit down Libby starts mining for a complaint, asking if Mother Andrei ever feels tired. His mother starts to say “of course” but Andrei cuts her off, insisting she says there’s “no room for tired” because she loves working a thankless second shift so that men can stand in a circle and scratch their balls. Libby thinks this might be a dig at her not working hard enough, and Andrei says Moldovans are more energized. This seems a great time to remind him that he doesn’t have a job, and Andrei wants to know if she’s trying to insult him, and insists she shouldn’t insult him in front of the family. Why, you ask? “Over there you listen, and here you listen double.” She falls silent in response, in a human recreation of the flaming apartment “this is fine” meme. “I don’t know why he’s acting like the chauvinistic alpha male,” Libby says. Honey, he’s not acting. Later, they head to meet Andrei’s fellow meatheads for beers. Libby is worried she’s going to be left out because of the language barrier, and asks if she “is just going to sit there” during this meeting. Passive-aggression to English translator: My Moldovan is pretty limited, so if you could remind folks of the language barrier and include me, I’d appreciate it. Andrei asks if this is some kind of feminism happening, and when Libby assures him she’s still a doormat and would be even if she called herself a feminist, he says, “What do you want? A podium to speak?” Podiums don’t speak, Andrei. Not without years of training. In case anyone forgot, Andrei wants to be considered “the man of the house” without fulfilling his formulaic gender destiny, and yes, Libby is just as backwards as he is. “It’s not that I have a problem with gendered expectations,” she explains. “It’s that I can’t fulfill mine while I’m busy fulfilling his.” His friends immediately needle him about not working, and he says that yes, he’s a housewife, and his friend says he used to be a hard worker, and now he’s just working hard to piss Libby off. “I work,” Andrei clarifies. “I hung television. And I’m going to still be the man of the house, and I’m still going to make the decisions for the family. Like I’m going to decide what we spend Libby’s father’s money on, and when Libby will ask for more. I will also schedule crying.” Libby buddies up with the two other women at the party, and they ask why her family doesn’t like Andrei. She says that they think he’s rude, mean, lazy, and controlling. Libby asks if more Moldovan men are like that, and the response is yes. Nicely done, ladies. Your male population is secure. Libby also says that her sister Jen is loud and doesn’t care what others think, so she might offend someone, and she’s not going to bite her tongue. For the record, Libby thinks “biting her tongue” is bringing up what she means days after the conversation is over, and Andrei thinks if he wears his balls outside of his pants, his friends won’t call him a pussy for not having a job. Later they drive home and she asks if he had fun, and he asks if she got what she needed, before declaring that Jen might sleep in the basement if she offends someone, along with the blanket he made out of Libby’s self esteem. Karine is attempting to change Pierre’s diaper, while Paul hovers at her elbow and tells her not to forget to wash his balls. This is some of Paul’s finest work. Then Paul hovers some more to repeatedly ask if Pierre’s hungry before she even has her tit out, and needlessly put a drape over her breast feeding, because to Paul that’s probably cheating, or the fast track to an STD. He pesters Karine to go get something to eat with his mom, which is really just a means of asking for money with grandchild leverage, since his full financial plan is asking his mother for help. Karine knows this is her only chance to escape, so he’s going to have to take that dinner alone. Mother Paul is disappointed to see just her son, and says she wouldn’t have come if she knew that Karine and Pierre weren’t coming. Damn, the magic of that gifted hair lock must have faded. He tries to make Karine’s absence about invented offense related to her inability to use the bathroom at Paul’s mom’s house, but Mother Paul knows her crotch fruit is rotten. Paul insists he’s in trouble and on edge, as opposed to how relaxed he is the rest of the time, and tells his mom he needs a little financial support, because of course he does. “It seems like he never gets his feet on the ground, or his head out of his ass,” Mother Paul states. She tells Paul that he should have some pride, and do it on his own. She says no, and tells him that he should have planned ahead. She’ll babysit, but she doesn’t think it’s fair using a baby to get what you want. Asuelu: Have you tried becoming the baby? Paul: I don’t want to ask you for any help, while I’m asking you for help. Remember how you really, really wanted us to come here? Mother Paul: I pray for you a lot. Later on Paul wears his trusty bulletproof backpack to the grocery store, because he never knows when he might run into himself. While Karine notes that this is, in fact, a grocery store, she’s unimpressed with Paul’s economic plan to buy more than you need, because savings. This is a great option for people not trying to squeeze milk from a nickel, but not for this destitute duo. Karine insists that $2 is less than $5, but Paul is not to be dissuaded. Since Karine hasn’t already tried to crawl underneath the floorboards, Paul takes command of the feminine hygiene aisle, demanding to know her preferred thickness and underwear adhesive. Karine begs him to stop, while Paul reflects that he knows there’s pearls, and there’s diamonds, and a whole range of flavors (except banana), that go in all kinds of holes. He’ll suss this out with the pharmacist. How is there not footage of Paul and the pharmacist? “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” For fuck’s sake, Paul. Did Paul ask for a job application on the way out? No he did not. Then they go house hunting, with Karine looking for her next husband on her phone, while Paul hunts for a rental agreement for a convicted felon with no job. They meet with a property manager, and Paul asks if they have anything four steps down from a tarp and two trees. She shows them “one of my redos yourself” that are sold as-is, which is something salvaged from the tornado fields of Xenia, Ohio. Karine hands down a firm veto, so they see a second mobile home, which is just as claustrophobic as the last one. Paul learns about the $500 lot rent they’d be surrendering, and wants to know if he can put in notice that it’s gonna be late now, or should he wait? Karine got sold a bill of goods that life in the US of A would be better, and instead she’s lost family support, and stands to be crammed into an even smaller home. “You no good husband,” she says, while asking the producers if she can get paid directly this round, because airfare back to Brazil is expensive. Next week: Larissa spare changes for boobs, Syngin tries to escape service to Tania, Andrei continues to be Andrei, Debbie tells Jess that Colt can warm himself in her womb again anytime he needs to, Low threatens Asuelu some more, and Michael has a stunningly bad idea. Thank you, Patreon supporters!
Going through old issues of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter and posting highlights in my own words. For anyone interested, I highly recommend signing up for the actual site at f4wonline and checking out the full archives. PREVIOUSLY:The Complete Wrestling Observer Rewind 1991-2001
NJPW was thrown into chaos this week when Keiji Muto, Satoshi Kojima, and IWGP Jr. Heavyweight champion Kendo Kashin all abruptly quit the company, along with 5 of NJPW's front office employees, and are headed to AJPW. Needless to say, this immediately killed the working relationship between the two companies and NJPW is already attempting to forge a new partnership with NOAH. There's also said to be a significant power struggle within NJPW right now behind the scenes that will likely be straightened out whenever Inoki returns to Japan (he's in Los Angeles right now). Tatsumi Fujinami is NJPW president but in the wake of losing these big stars, and the disappointing TV ratings for the Jan. 4th show, it's rumored his days may be numbered. There's rumors that Inoki may take over the role for the first time since he was forced out of the position back in 1983 (long story, bunch of financial scandals, Google is your friend here). Muto is currently half of the IWGP tag team champions and they were scheduled to defend the titles next month and he volunteered to still work the show, but NJPW wasn't having that so that won't be happening now and the titles will instead be vacated, along with the Jr. title Kashin held. And of course, the IWGP title is also currently vacant due to Fujita's injury, so all of NJPW's top titles are vacant right now (the only other active title is the Jr. tag belts, held by Gedo and Jado).
Lots of rumors floating around about how this happened, but the gist appears to be that Hiroshi Hase was the architect (no Seth) behind this whole thing. Reportedly, Muto (and maybe some of the other people who left) may be purchasing a stake of AJPW from Motoko Baba so he'll have some ownership say. The long-term idea is that Mrs. Baba will step down in a few years and Muto, who by then should be ready to retire (lol) will take over the role as AJPW president. Of course, that was the original plan for Misawa after Giant Baba died, but he and Motoko Baba couldn't get along and Misawa eventually left and formed NOAH instead. It's also worth noting that Kashin in particular wasn't thrilled about doing shoot fights while working in NJPW, but felt pressured to by Inoki and he reportedly wanted out of the company even if the AJPW thing hadn't been an option. As for Kojima, he and Tenzan have been the best tag team pro wrestling has seen in years and from an in-ring perspective, may have been the best pure worker in NJPW so his loss is going to hurt a lot too. The office workers who left are mostly accounting and merchandising people who will be doing the same jobs for AJPW.
One bummer of a note here is that, before this, Muto had talked of putting together a dream match against Misawa. But as long as Motoko Baba is breathing air, an AJPW star isn't going to work with Misawa, so that's probably a dead issue (yeah, sadly we never did get that match).
One final note: Muto also tried to recruit NJPW rising star Hiroshi Tanahashi, who most believe has the most potential of anyone in the entire company, to jump ship with him but Tanahashi decided to stay (oh man, can you imagine how different things would be if he had gone).
On Raw this week, Vince McMahon teased the impending arrival of Hall, Nash, and Hogan, saying he's going to do something soon that even he will regret. Vince has reportedly caved on most of Nash's demands, including the reduced schedule. Hall will be making less money than Nash and will be given an even lighter schedule, because he's a single parent with custody of his children (and Dave questions how fucked up Dana Hall must be if SCOTT is the one who has custody). And of course, you gotta figure Hogan ain't working a full schedule, since he hasn't done that in a decade and probably ain't gonna start now. Of course, this puts WWF in the same position WCW was in a few years ago: having all the top stars working TV and not appearing on house shows, which is something WWF used to openly mock WCW for. Now they'll be doing the same thing, with the same guys. It's something that killed WCW's house show business long before the TV ratings started going down. There's also the issue of how they'll get along backstage, since many of the agents (Dave says Gerald Brisco in particular) were very vocally against bringing these guys back. And then there's John Laurinaitis, who has a lot of power backstage now and he and Nash used to butt heads constantly in WCW. So things are gonna be interesting.
In a bit of a surprise, Vince has also agreed to let them use the NWO name and gimmick, and that reveal was made later in the week on Smackdown when Vince talked about killing the WWF with the help of the NWO. As of now, there's no plans for Triple H to join the group. X-Pac will probably find his way into it, given his relationship and history with the group. Nash is reportedly pushing for Shawn Michaels to be involved, but Dave has heard that's unlikely because there's still some fences that need to be mended there between Shawn and some in the company. But then again, Nash has gotten his way on everything else he's asked Vince for so far, so who knows? Anyway, Hall and Nash have officially signed, but Hogan still hasn't finalized his deal as of press time, but the office has been told it's inevitable and to start making plans as if he's signed. It's expected all 3 men will probably debut at the No Way Out PPV next month.
The Royal Rumble is in the books and was a huge success. Critically, it was an excellent show, nothing MOTY-worthy or anything, but nothing bad at all and was a legit sellout. Coming out of the show, it appears Chris Jericho will be defending the WWF title against Triple H at Wrestlemania, though that can still change. Triple H winning the Rumble was expected but made the most sense. The Rumble match lasted just over 69 minutes (nice), surpassing the 1993 Rumble and, as far as Dave is aware, making it the longest mach in WWF history (a famous Pedro Morales vs. Bruno Sammartino match in 1972 was reported in all the newspapers as lasting 75 minutes, but it was actually only 65 so don't come at Dave with no "well actually..." bullshit)
The return of Mr. Perfect and him being put over like a major star (he lasted until the final 4) proves that WWF has no intention of letting any other competitor get off the ground and will nip that in the bud before it ever happens. Hennig has been available for more that a year (WCW released him before they folded) and WWF never seemed interested, but as soon as XWF came along and made him their featured star (with plans to make him the face of the company), suddenly WWF swooped him up. Hennig's appearance was meant to be a one-off but it was known they were likely going to offer him a deal if he was impressive, and they have. It may not be a huge get for WWF, but it's a massive loss for XWF and pretty much renders their entire first set of TV tapings meaningless now, and Dave says that was precisely the point. Vince left the door open for competition once before and it nearly killed him. He won't make that mistake again (not until 2019 anyway). Dave says to let this be a lesson to any new promotion trying to start up: make sure you have people signed.
Other notes from Royal Rumble: Goldust, who was also a one-off for the match, is expected to sign a full-time deal as well. FlaiVince street fight was way better than it had any right to be considering it was between two guys over 50, one of whom isn't even a trained wrestler and the other hasn't wrestled in nearly a year since the final Nitro. Jericho retained the title over Rock in an excellent match and Dave notes that no one in the history of wrestling with the kind of main event star power Rock possesses has ever done as many jobs as him. Maven dropkicking Undertaker out of the Rumble match was the biggest pop of the entire show. But then Undertaker spent the next several minutes beating poor Maven nearly to death, lest anyone think Undertaker was actually trying to get this kid over or anything. Overall, Dave thinks it was the best Rumble match in several years.
The tradition of Memphis wrestling on WMC-TV has been revived! Sorta. The show, dating back to the 70s, has been off the air since last spring when the TV station refused to allow them to tape shows in their studio anymore. For the next few months, they aired a bunch of "Best of" shows but those eventually stopped in December and they've been airing infomercials in that time slot ever since. But this week, a show featuring Jerry Lawler and Brian Christopher in the main event, taped at a nearby casino in Tunica, MS aired on the channel in the usual Saturday morning time slot. Dave says the production quality was garbage and there was no local publicity for it, so it probably did a terrible rating, but it's something (pretty much just one last dying gasp, this doesn't lead to anything).
Carlos Colon said he's going to cut back on being an active wrestler because he wants to spend more time with his kids. Dave points out that most of his kids are wrestlers in his company, so maybe he's actually trying to get away from them.
NJPW star Minoru Tanaka announced his engagement to former women's wrestler Yumi Fukawa, who retired last year (did some research and they're still married to this day. Tanaka still wrestles in NOAH and Fukawa is an actress in Japan).
Atsushi Onita, who has been issuing grandstand challenges to Antonio Inoki for months with no response, has now challenged Naoya Ogawa for a match and wants it to be a benefit show in Afghanistan for the kids there. Dave says don't hold your breath for that one either. Onita says if he beats Ogawa, he wants the match with Inoki. Again, none of this is happening, just Onita trying to work his own angle. Neither Inoki nor Ogawa want anything to do with him.
Goldberg participated in a charity golf tournament this week and while there, he made some comments about going to the WWF. "I personally believe that everything I've stood for when I got into the ring would be compromised and succumbed to the circus-like atmosphere that's out there, and that's putting it mildly. I would be an imbecile if I gave up half my money to work for a company I didn't respect." Dave wonders if his tune will change when that WCW contract money dries up (yup). Also, at the same tournament, they did a funny little angle with Goldberg throwing his caddie into a lake.
Superstar Billy Graham has reportedly lost nearly 60 pounds in just 3 weeks, most of it water weight due to edema he's suffering from and all the other liver issues he's currently dealing with.
Bruno Sammartino did an interview talking about the role he has in a new low-budget movie called Saloonatics where he plays a mob guy with cancer. Sammartino talked about how uncomfortable he was with all the profanity his character had to say but he eventually got more comfortable with it and was able to put aside his personal feelings and eventually was okay with it. (No idea where the full movie is, but here's a trailer and yeah this shit is LOOOOOOOW budget).
Former WCW announcer Mark Madden is in some controversy in Pittsburgh, where he hosts a daily sports talk show on the local ESPN radio station there. A few weeks back, the sports media in the city was swirling with rumors about NFL star Kordell Stewart's sexuality. Madden went on his radio show and criticized people who were spreading those rumors. A writer who works at the radio station then went on the air and accused Madden of being one of the main people who fueled those rumors and claimed Madden had said things in the past on his show implying that Stewart is gay. Madden denied ever saying that, demanded the guy find the tapes to prove he ever said it, and basically felt like the guy ambushed him live on the air with the accusations. The radio station apparently agreed because the writer was fired when he refused to apologize (for what it's worth, several people have made accusations about Stewart being gay over the years and he's always denied them, and even successfully sued someone a few years ago for claiming he had a relationship with him. Who knows and who cares? Not anybody's business anyway).
Jake Roberts was on a radio talk show in England recently and said some interesting stuff. Said he plans to stay in the UK for the next 2 years. Said he could walk back into the WWF and have a writing job tomorrow if he wanted it. Dave scoffs at that and says I guess he prefers wrestling in front of empty indie show crowds in England instead of earning a steady paycheck. Jake also talked about the scene in Beyond The Mat where the movie alleges that Roberts asked an indie promoter for crack cocaine as his payoff for working the show. Roberts denied it happened and said he doesn't trust a promoter with anything, so he wouldn't trust one to get him crack. Well okay then. Claimed he left the WWF last time because he wasn't comfortable with the angle he was doing with Jerry Lawler, feeling like they were exploiting his sobriety. Dave pretty much rolls his eyes at all this, because Jake was actually fired for going on a bender and no-showing a bunch of events (I'm glad we all love Jake now, but he was still 1000% full of shit and off the deep end during this period).
Iron Shiek missed an appearance on the Opie & Anthony radio show this week because he was detained for several hours at the airport. Turns out he wore his curly toed wrestling boots on the plane and because this is 4 months after 9/11 and only 1 month after the attempted shoe-bomber, and let's be honest, simply because Iron Shiek is Middle Eastern, people freaked out. And when they wanted to examine his boots, he initially refused to let them and, well, you can imagine how well that went over with airport security.
If WWA's PPV in Las Vegas happens next month, Bret Hart has agreed to reprise his role as the on-screen commissioner. As best Dave can tell, no one else has really been signed on for the show and the MGM Grand doesn't know anything about this alleged plan to hold the event in their arena and in fact, WWA hasn't even applied with the Nevada commission to get a license to run a show anywhere in the state and it's almost certainly too late to get one by the scheduled date. So Dave is skeptical that this even happens, and if it does, he can't see it being in Las Vegas. (Surprisingly, it does happen and it is in Vegas, but we'll get there.)
Speaking of the Nevada athletic commission, XWF brought a bunch of wrestlers and a wrestling ring to the National Association of Television Program Executives conference in Vegas, with hopes of putting on a live show and impressing all the TV execs and trying to secure a TV deal. But the XWF didn't get permission from the Nevada commission, so they weren't allowed to use the ring and do a show. Whoops.
Speaking of XWF, morale is in the dumps in that company right now. Losing both Hulk Hogan and Curt Hennig (neither of whom were signed but had been working with them) as well as Sting reportedly not being interested has killed a lot of the excitement about the promotion for people within it.
Notes from Raw: Flair cut an emotional promo about his history in wrestling and how he was on the road so much and put wrestling ahead of his family and not seeing his kids and all that stuff. During the promo, Lawler made a sarcastic joke about Flair needing to have his priorities in order, which Dave thinks is pretty rich coming from Lawler, who lived the exact same life and wasn't much of a father to his kids either (which Lawler has admitted, to be fair). They're continuing to tease a Triple H/Stephanie split, with him being annoyed at her nagging. Speaking of Triple H, Dave thinks he needs to lose at least 15 pounds because he's totally slow and lumbering since he came back.
Notes from Smackdown: AJ Styles worked a dark match, losing to Rico Constantino, but apparently he looked awesome in the match (yeah he hits an awesome shooting star to the floor late in the match). And the show ended with McMahon doing the big NWO reveal on the back of his chair during his promo.
Regarding Triple H's match on Smackdown last week, where they gave away his return match on free TV 3 days before the Rumble. Remember how Dave was flabbergasted that they would be so short-sighted? Turns out Triple H felt the same way and fought hard against it, but Vince wouldn't budge.
Chris Benoit is telling people he expects to be back in the ring around June (yup).
Jim Ross answered some questions at a press thing last week and had lots of interesting stuff to say. He said the criticism WWF was receiving for bringing in Hall, Nash, and Hogan hurts, but they have to do what's best for the company and Vince feels this is it. Doesn't sound like JR loves the idea too much either. They've had no talks with Scott Steiner. When told of Goldberg's recent comments (mentioned above), he said he wanted to believe Goldberg hadn't really said that and thought it was a shame. Said there's heat on Jeff Jarrett for how he left the WWF last time so he probably won't be welcomed back anytime soon. JR also hinted that the brand split will come after Wrestlemania and implied that they will be reviving the cruiserweight division. Dave says he's convinced that Vince will never get behind pushing cruiserweights as major stars so he's not holding out hope for that. Said they may bring in Rey Mysterio if they decided to launch a cruiserweight division. Said they'd love to have Eddie Guerrero back but he has to get his personal issues straightened out first. Same with Shawn Michaels, plus they don't know if he could physically do it.
ESPN's Bill Simmons wrote an article reviewing Royal Rumble 2002 and Dave thinks it was great. In one piece, Simmons managed to pretty much sum up all of WWF's recent problems while still acknowledging that the show was entertaining. And the link Dave posted for it in 2002 still works!
Unless things change, Chris Jericho is gonna be in an awkward situation next week. Jericho is scheduled to play in a celebrity hockey game as part of NHL All Star Weekend. Who will his celebrity coach be, you ask? Goldberg. As of press time, most people in WWF don't seem to be aware of it and Dave wouldn't be surprised if Jericho gets pulled from it.
Booker T was on the Howard Stern show (after his comments last week saying he wasn't a fan of Stern, go figure) and talked about his time in prison and his plans to write a book. He also said he hopes to retire in 2 years which Dave ain't buying (yeah, still about 10 years away from that). He also said someone is suing him over the term "Spinaroonie" because apparently someone else thinks they own the rights to that name. Booker also mentioned that he's dating former Nitro Girl Sharmell Sullivan. Dave notes that they've been dating since WCW and Booker is the one who helped her get hired by WWF, where she's currently in developmental.
DDP has also said he plans to retire in 2 years, to become a motivational speaker. This one actually almost happened. He left WWF just 3 months after this and didn't wrestle at all for several years. Then he had a brief run in TNA but he's been mostly retired other than some one-offs ever since.
Randy Orton is moving up to the main roster. In his final OVW match, Orton lost clean to Prototype and Dave says it's clear they're grooming Prototype to be the next OVW champion.
My hands speaking my words: Recap of 90DF HEA S05E05
The struggle to select a single quote that captures the essence of an episode has never felt more real. From Debbie finally celebrating her inner Lady MacBeth, to Low finding a more eloquent way to say “I hate Othello,” this episode is 90DF Shakespeare. Hey nonny nonny. In a moment of zero suspense, Larissa walks into the immigration office, and then walks right back out. That’s right, friends: those shots of her in the rest of the season aren’t holograms. She tells her friend that they took something like a mug shot, and “then she took the finger.” That Clue game always gets so weird after this turn. Later on Larissa meets up with Eric, to ask if they can have a fake reunion to match their fake breakup from their fake relationship, and Eric asks if he can use that “ash in the wind” line he was saving for the next time he wrote a country song. Larissa says fine. During their conversation we learn that Larissa broke up with Eric via text. Then people started harassing her online, calling “my butt cheesy butt,” and Larissa decided this must be Eric and filed a police report on him. That must have been amazing paperwork. “Ma’am, just following up on a report you submitted. You’re on…instagram, is that right? Now the instagram, is that the internet? Okay, okay, just making sure. So, do you feel unsafe on the internets after this ‘cheesy butt’ threat that you received? And you have reason to believe that Eric is responsible for this ass slander? Does he have special knowledge of your butt cheese, ma’am?” She and Eric still have issues, and they’re not afraid to exaggerate them for the next six or so episodes, while mining for something more interesting than “cheap” to butt heads about. That should carry them to the point in the narrative where Jess contacts Larissa to tell her that she was right. Speaking of Debbie, she’s never left the country before, because the weight limit for checked baggage prevents her from taking Colt and her slot machine. Still, she’s eager to see what their Walmart is like, because there’s nothing more exciting than seeing the same thing you have at home, but elsewhere. “That’s interesting,” Paul interjects. “Have you heard of this place called a ‘grocery store’? Karine says they have them in Brazil, but I didn’t pay attention to the food because it wasn’t in English.” “Well I don’t understand why it’s not in English,” Mother Debbie is worried. “How do they expect people to go there? Do they even have maps? What about numbers? Do they use those funny symbols you see in caves? What time is Wheel of Fortune on there?” Paul: Do you have an opening for a son, by any chance? I promise I’ll never leave. Ever. Mother Debbie: Well I’m going to have to ask Colt. Until I do you can have this spare change I cut out of his pants, and caught in my mouth while clinging to his ankles. That’s why he wears shorts now. I don’t think that’s fair to me. Debbie is concerned that Jess is another Larissa, and fears Colt will make the same decisions all over again. “If I tell you I have a bad feeling, will you listen to me?” She pleads with Colt. “I don’t know,” Colt waffles. “You usually have a bad feeling about the women I’m dating by the third date.” “The second date. Then I press my face into the glass of their bedroom windows until it leaves a grease print, and I come back again and again, until I am the bad feeling, imprinted FOREVER. You should probably never date anyone again.” Colt just continues to pile the clothes Debbie folded into his Mary Poppins suitcase, while her anxiety forms a cloud around him. “People at home are saying for God’s sake lady, let him live his life,” Debbie tells the producers. Yes, we are saying this. “Well, no.” This woman knows herself! After a lengthy flight that I’m sure was peppered with stunning observations like, “well these peanuts are little” and “the sun sure is hot!” Colt is starting to worry that his mom tagging along wasn’t the best idea. She notes the Panda Express at the airport, and is relieved to see you can be disappointed anywhere in the world. Jess is a bit uneasy as she awaits the arrival of Colt and his mother, because she’s thinking about Larissa’s warnings. She says she’s going to keep that conversation from Colt, because they agreed not to talk about it until the reunion. They deplane, and Jess happily embraces Colt. Debbie is exactly as warm and welcoming as you’d expect, as she describes Jess as “voluptuous” which makes her think of sex, so the jealousy fertilizes her egg of rage. After both Colt and Jess assure viewers and Debbie that they eagerly anticipate sex that is sexy, and also sex with sexual sexiness, they get into an Uber for the hotel, and start tossing out hypothetical baby names. Debbie doesn’t understand why Colt never considered her ability to mother again. Hell she toted colt for 18 months, give or take, and breast fed him till 25. Now she’s getting left out? Unfair. “I still change his diapers and fold his underwear in the cutest little squares,” Debbie spurts. “Then I warm them in my mouth and rewrite his name on the waistband with a sharpie when my drool fades the original name away. Sometime I blow them dry after he puts them back on. What are we talking about?” Jess is all of us: “I think it’s weird that Debbie is here. It’s my vacation, and it’s better me and Colt alone.” “Yes, those are alarme bells,” Larissa coaches. “They go a ding a ding a ding. Debbie is under bed right now-e. Also, do not eat the beef stew.” Jess and Colt share a series of gerbil kisses right in front of first wife Debbie, and she has not consented to the triad. It burns her face, and she tries to wipe it away, but nope: it’s still her face. She thinks Jess is trying to talk him into being an adult, when he’s perfectly fine as a permanent 14 year old boy. “I’m really sick,” Debbie declares. “And not manipulative at all.” Hoping for an orgy, Colt only reserved one hotel room, and Debbie DGAF, she just needs to sleep. Jess starts pressing her about how she slept in Vegas or something, and this reminds me of a dog cornering a skunk, then barking at it. Debbie says you either let her sleep for ten minutes or take her to a hospital in 30 minutes, GODDAMMIT. I’M REALLY SICK. Then Jess says Debbie is rude, and while this is true, dude, you were barking at a skunk. Tania is taking her scrutiny of Syngin on the road to a nice looking nail salon, thanks to friend Monique. Let’s all take a moment to reminisce about way back in the day, when we would dunk out feet in water and trust a stranger’s hands to soften our heels with a cheese grater before wrapping them in plastic bags full of wax. Good times. Anyway, Monique is acutely aware of what a giant pain in the ass Tania is, and points out that not only did they just get married, but now he has to wait on Tania hand and foot, so the “for worst” part of their wedding vows arrived a little early. “He doesn’t wait on me hand and foot,” Tania corrects. “He just carries me around the apartment on his back, between bathing me and making me breakfast, and looking for a job. Yes, I have a crutch, what?” Since expressing gratitude for his service can’t happen, Tania fixates on what she now describes as a drinking problem, while continuing to drink herself. She says he can work now and has been hunting for a job, but pickings are slim for a bartender who can’t pour a Guinness. The manicurist looks up periodically to make sure she’s actually on television. Syngin has been waiting for his next chance to play the “you’re not my soul mate” card, and that moment is now. He’s beginning to piece together that he’s going to spend the next six months waiting for her foot to heal, then the six months after that watching her fill out disability forms for the instant arthritis that activated the minute she put a boot on. Then they’ll need another six months to save up money, then oh look, she’s pregnant, so maybe another 18 years in CT, with Syngin carrying Tania and all the babies from room to room like a possum. Plus, he didn’t get married to get married, he got married because the K1 left him without options. Tania says she’s ready to make a one-to-three year plan, which sounds like something she does before blowing it off for a trip to Costa Rica, at which point it becomes a to-do list for the left behind. But Syngin? Now that he’s married, Syngin doesn’t know if he’s ready to be a husband, or to be burdened by children, and yes, men on this show never understand a biological clock, and Tania should start talking to her male friends about sperm donation now. “I don’t know if I want to stay in a country that leaves you with a mountain of debt from a routine surgery,” Syngin doesn’t say at all. “I mean, my liver is going to fail sometime in the next ten years, and I’d like to be prepared.” Tania is concerned that this is the first time she’s hearing that he’s uninterested in remaining in America. Syngin insists he doesn’t want to raise children here or send them to school here, and Tania makes her case with, “BUT I TURNED OUT FINE.” You know it’s true when someone shouts it. Toddler Aseulu somehow impregnated Kalani twice before his balls dropped. Last night he shoved all his Batman comics and Lunchables into his Hot Wheels suitcase, and dragged it all the way to the bus where he asked for a one-way ticket to outer space, like the man of the house. Kalani reports that after he stormed away he sent her a series of riddles and a treasure map to help her pinpoint his location and be away from her children and family as long as possible. Kalani said tell me where the fuck you are, my dude, because it’s your son’s birthday, and Oliver shouldn’t wonder where his dad is when they all live in the same house. Asuelu agrees to return, but just to play video games and sulk, MOM. Kolini and Low arrive for the party, and they ask where Asuelu is, and Kalani says that he “came back” when they don’t yet know the story of his leaving. Low asks for more information, and gets the details of their car ride, save for the whole “lying bitch” part. Low agrees to keep it cool since it’s Oliver’s birthday and he’s capable of thinking of others, but he’s going to go ahead and polish up his ass-kicking shoes so they’re ready to be taken for a walk. Kalani wastes her time checking on Asuelu to try to coax him away from his video games and into adulthood, by promising he can eat all the hotdogs he wants, before resuming efforts to arrange a party for her son, by herself. Teenagers, amirite? Later on the party is happening, and Oliver is driving a remote control car all around the rental property. One of Kalani’s friends asks where Asuelu is, and Kalani says he’s stretching out his butthole in preparation for Low’s foot. She again says she’s going to check on him again, which is two times more than she should have indulged this shit, and he again says he doesn’t want to talk to anybody and is going to stay in his fort ALONE, MOM. “It’s like talking to a four year-old,” Kalani tells Kolini when she returns, which isn’t fair, because even a four year-old would come out for cake. As the party goes on, Low is not impressed. “The Samoan way, it would be my hands speaking my words,” Low explains. But he agreed to be nice (for now) because cameras are rolling, and that’s too much evidence for a lawsuit. “This is why I said I’m the dad,” Kolini adds. “I mean, did you see his reference to his boo hole last season? Jesus Christ. She has two babies sucking the life out of her, and now she has a husband sucking the life out of her.” Then Kolini strikes a match on a gold filling to announce her status as keeper of the flame. Eager to do the bare minimum, Aseulu finally opens the door and comes out. Kalani’s expression rotates between walking on eggshells and being psychically exhausted. When the party ends, Kalani asks if there’s anything he wants to say to her, and Asuelu asks why the word ‘house’ has an ‘ow’ in the middle. Kalani wrongly thought an apology might be directed her way. Nah. The plan is to maintain the tantrum until she demands that he go to Samoa alone, like the man of the house. Is anyone on this show not dating a man-baby? Save us, Angela, save us! She’s getting ready to take off for Nigeria, and her friend Amy is going to help her out by taking care of her mother and the kids while she’s gone. We learn so much about Angela by the circle around her, which is huge and honest and loyal. Before walking out the door she fusses over her mother one last time, asks if she’s wet, which only further illuminates how much caretaking Angela does. “Got any last minute advice?” She asks her mother as she readies to depart. “Just go and get married, whatever,” Mother Angela says, and I need this embroidered on a pillow. After her plane lands, Angela hunts down her MeMaw gear in baggage claim, and finally spies it thanks to some sticker decorations. Michael is waiting for her, wearing his Angela nameplate necklace. They warmly embrace, and it’s all happy and shit. Michael and Angela are going to test drive living together by sharing an apartment. She walks in with a few compliments about the place, before the producers step in to ask if she can isolate something to complain about for fuck’s sake. Angela says I’ve got you, and declares she’s not sleeping in the bed, because it’s “hard as an erection.” Then she notices a dead rat in a trap, and Michael seizes the opportunity to chase her with it. This is one of the most relationship-like gestures in this series in a long time, and a reminder of how rarely we see a couple enjoying each other. More of this, please! Libby will soon be studied in psychology classes as an example of total passive-aggression, while her husband will be offered up as exhibit A: the long term effects of bad romantic decisions. Mother Andrei has prepared a full afternoon spread my grandmother assures me is required of all Eastern European women, while Libby cuts up bananas and an avocados for homemade baby food for Eleanor. They’re both frustrated by the language barrier, but Andrei can’t be bothered to translate, because he’s showing everyone pictures of monster trucks and guns, and also his dick, like the head of the household. Once they sit down Libby starts mining for a complaint, asking if Mother Andrei ever feels tired. His mother starts to say “of course” but Andrei cuts her off, insisting she says there’s “no room for tired” because she loves working a thankless second shift so that men can stand in a circle and scratch their balls. Libby thinks this might be a dig at her not working hard enough, and Andrei says Moldovans are more energized. This seems a great time to remind him that he doesn’t have a job, and Andrei wants to know if she’s trying to insult him, and insists she shouldn’t insult him in front of the family. Why, you ask? “Over there you listen, and here you listen double.” She falls silent in response, in a human recreation of the flaming apartment “this is fine” meme. “I don’t know why he’s acting like the chauvinistic alpha male,” Libby says. Honey, he’s not acting. Later, they head to meet Andrei’s fellow meatheads for beers. Libby is worried she’s going to be left out because of the language barrier, and asks if she “is just going to sit there” during this meeting. Passive-aggression to English translator: My Moldovan is pretty limited, so if you could remind folks of the language barrier and include me, I’d appreciate it. Andrei asks if this is some kind of feminism happening, and when Libby assures him she’s still a doormat and would be even if she called herself a feminist, he says, “What do you want? A podium to speak?” Podiums don’t speak, Andrei. Not without years of training. In case anyone forgot, Andrei wants to be considered “the man of the house” without fulfilling his formulaic gender destiny, and yes, Libby is just as backwards as he is. “It’s not that I have a problem with gendered expectations,” she explains. “It’s that I can’t fulfill mine while I’m busy fulfilling his.” His friends immediately needle him about not working, and he says that yes, he’s a housewife, and his friend says he used to be a hard worker, and now he’s just working hard to piss Libby off. “I work,” Andrei clarifies. “I hung television. And I’m going to still be the man of the house, and I’m still going to make the decisions for the family. Like I’m going to decide what we spend Libby’s father’s money on, and when Libby will ask for more. I will also schedule crying.” Libby buddies up with the two other women at the party, and they ask why her family doesn’t like Andrei. She says that they think he’s rude, mean, lazy, and controlling. Libby asks if more Moldovan men are like that, and the response is yes. Nicely done, ladies. Your male population is secure. Libby also says that her sister Jen is loud and doesn’t care what others think, so she might offend someone, and she’s not going to bite her tongue. For the record, Libby thinks “biting her tongue” is bringing up what she means days after the conversation is over, and Andrei thinks if he wears his balls outside of his pants, his friends won’t call him a pussy for not having a job. Later they drive home and she asks if he had fun, and he asks if she got what she needed, before declaring that Jen might sleep in the basement if she offends someone, along with the blanket he made out of Libby’s self esteem. Karine is attempting to change Pierre’s diaper, while Paul hovers at her elbow and tells her not to forget to wash his balls. This is some of Paul’s finest work. Then Paul hovers some more to repeatedly ask if Pierre’s hungry before she even has her tit out, and needlessly put a drape over her breast feeding, because to Paul that’s probably cheating, or the fast track to an STD. He pesters Karine to go get something to eat with his mom, which is really just a means of asking for money with grandchild leverage, since his full financial plan is asking his mother for help. Karine knows this is her only chance to escape, so he’s going to have to take that dinner alone. Mother Paul is disappointed to see just her son, and says she wouldn’t have come if she knew that Karine and Pierre weren’t coming. Damn, the magic of that gifted hair lock must have faded. He tries to make Karine’s absence about invented offense related to her inability to use the bathroom at Paul’s mom’s house, but Mother Paul knows her crotch fruit is rotten. Paul insists he’s in trouble and on edge, as opposed to how relaxed he is the rest of the time, and tells his mom he needs a little financial support, because of course he does. “It seems like he never gets his feet on the ground, or his head out of his ass,” Mother Paul states. She tells Paul that he should have some pride, and do it on his own. She says no, and tells him that he should have planned ahead. She’ll babysit, but she doesn’t think it’s fair using a baby to get what you want. Asuelu: Have you tried becoming the baby? Paul: I don’t want to ask you for any help, while I’m asking you for help. Remember how you really, really wanted us to come here? Mother Paul: I pray for you a lot. Later on Paul wears his trusty bulletproof backpack to the grocery store, because he never knows when he might run into himself. While Karine notes that this is, in fact, a grocery store, she’s unimpressed with Paul’s economic plan to buy more than you need, because savings. This is a great option for people not trying to squeeze milk from a nickel, but not for this destitute duo. Karine insists that $2 is less than $5, but Paul is not to be dissuaded. Since Karine hasn’t already tried to crawl underneath the floorboards, Paul takes command of the feminine hygiene aisle, demanding to know her preferred thickness and underwear adhesive. Karine begs him to stop, while Paul reflects that he knows there’s pearls, and there’s diamonds, and a whole range of flavors (except banana), that go in all kinds of holes. He’ll suss this out with the pharmacist. How is there not footage of Paul and the pharmacist? “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” For fuck’s sake, Paul. Did Paul ask for a job application on the way out? No he did not. Then they go house hunting, with Karine looking for her next husband on her phone, while Paul hunts for a rental agreement for a convicted felon with no job. They meet with a property manager, and Paul asks if they have anything four steps down from a tarp and two trees. She shows them “one of my redos yourself” that are sold as-is, which is something salvaged from the tornado fields of Xenia, Ohio. Karine hands down a firm veto, so they see a second mobile home, which is just as claustrophobic as the last one. Paul learns about the $500 lot rent they’d be surrendering, and wants to know if he can put in notice that it’s gonna be late now, or should he wait? Karine got sold a bill of goods that life in the US of A would be better, and instead she’s lost family support, and stands to be crammed into an even smaller home. “You no good husband,” she says, while asking the producers if she can get paid directly this round, because airfare back to Brazil is expensive. Next week: Larissa spare changes for boobs, Syngin tries to escape service to Tania, Andrei continues to be Andrei, Debbie tells Jess that Colt can warm himself in her womb again anytime he needs to, Low threatens Asuelu some more, and Michael has a stunningly bad idea. Thank you, Patreon supporters!
My 95 Year old Mom died this past week. She's from Europe, lived during WWII time and loved to tell her story. I'm her only living child left and hardly anyone left for her. No big funeral. So I'm telling her story for her now. I think she would have loved that.
My mom just died. She was 95. She had such an incrediible life. But she had a small family, is from Europe and has out lived most everyone in her life. I and my family is all she has left. She used to love to tell her story, especially of WWII days. If you started her talking about that she would light up. So here's her story, her sort of funeral. She would have loved to know so many people were listening. Thanks for listening. My Mom was born in 1923 in Saporoahje, Ukraine. Her Dad was a professor and her mom had come from Latvia to work near the University. Mom had an older sister and a younger brother. She attended University for one year and wanted to be a doctor. But times were getting very hard. They had to turn over everything in their house and used to have to wait in line for a whole day for a baked potato ration. Communism was taking over. Mom's Dad refused to become a communist. The soldiers were moving in and her parents, her and her sister fled. First to Poland for a year and then onto Germany. Her brother was sent to Latvia to be safe from being forced to be a soldier. She never found him again. My Mom was the only sibling that had attended University and the only family member that also spoke German fluently and Polish. She got a job in Erding Germany at an Air force base to support her family when it was still the Luftwaffe Training airfield. She was 18 or 19. She spoke such fluent German, the only one in her family to do so, and her father's parents were Swedish so she had fair skin, very blond hair and blue eyes and they never suspected she was Ukraine. My Mom lived with a German family and they had taken her in as their very own. She had her family living at another location. She had made friends with other German women and one in particular was her best friend who had black hair and everyone called them salt and pepper. In 1945 the Air Force base was seized by the U.S. Airforce and used as an Air Depot, Air Base and Air Station. She said her and her friends all thought Americans would be very distinguished but when the they came, they would call out "Hey Blondie" and were not at all what they expected. At that time she met my Dad who was an American Air force soldier stationed there during WWII. For him it was love at first site. For her it wasn't bad but she didn't think anything of it. At one point she had agreed to meet him to get him off her back to and never planned to keep the date and hours later he was still waiting outside. From then on they were together. They attended lots of Military dances together and she has often said that although it was war time, it was some of the best times of their lives. I'm told of a story where my Dad had hitchhiked into some other town all day to buy my Mom her very first Christmas present. It didn't go without some nervous times. Her and her girlfriends used to walk and often have to take cover when enemy planes flew over. One day she happened to be wearing a red dress when it happened so she was taken away from a table my Mom and Dad were at together, to be questioned if she was signaling the planes. Their common language they both spoke was German and that's what they spoke to each other their first 5 years together. When she married him at 23 years old, her white dress was sewn out of white silk parachute. They married on Christmas Eve but by some old paperwork I found, states he wanted to be married on Christmas day. My dad often bragged about how there was a bar made out ice that you could skate up to and their Honeymoon was in Garmisch and when it came time to settle the bill, the Air force said it was on them. Sometime during this whole time, her sister fell in love with a Jewish man. They had 2 girls. He was killed in camp so my Mom helped to hide those girls who were half Jewish. Those girls were never told their Dad Jewish was until they were old themselves as their mom had always been afraid people may be against Jewish people again someday. Mom was never clear to us the timeline on when this happened or where. When my Dad's time in the Military was done and he was honorable discharged, they were to leave on a ship to America with others. My Mom was to leave ahead with other European wives, but friends bought her champagne the night before, that she had never drank before and thought it tasted good so drank quite a bit and was so sick the next day she missed the boat. Literally. So my Dad got her on the one he was on. They rode the ship for three weeks and the whole time my Mom was sea sick. My Dad couldn't stop eating. They arrived in New York and then Chicago and my Mom couldn't believe how you could just buy things at the store. They were to make their final destination in Japan as my Dad was offered a civilian job on a Military base there. But they stopped off in Marshfield, WI, which was a small farming community, to see my Dad's dad and his dad begged him not to leave and they never did. For years I grew up hearing how my Mom never liked Marshfield. She liked cities better. But to dad it was home and that's where he would like to stay. My Mom studied and took her Citizenship test and became an American citizen in 1951. She was often quoted as saying America is the best place on earth. She just said it again to me last week. My mom, having seen how you could buy things at stores, wanted to get a job as soon as she arrived in Marshfield. She got a job at a shoe factory that was piece work. Meaning you got paid for every piece sewn. She had told me she was very fast and their top worker and she worked there right up until her first child was born 7 years later. They had waited so long as they could not afford children before that. During that time, my dad took out a loan and brought my Mom's family to America as well even though the first five years of their marriage they couldn't afford to own a car or refrigeration. Her family chose to settle in Chicago in the Ukraine section as they still spoke no other language and felt more at home there. I'm told her father was one of those men you would see sitting in the park playing chess and one day while doing that, had a massive heart attack and died. My mom was pregnant with a second child that ended up dying while in the womb and she had to give birth to her. She didn't want any more children after that but after time my Dad convinced her it could be different and she had another healthy son. When she became pregnant with me she started to hemorrhage and the doctors put her to bed rest. It wasn't stopping and the doctors told her I would never be born and if I was there would be so many things wrong with me so she might as well get up. She wouldn't listen and wouldn't give up and stayed in bed for 6 months. She also wouldn't take Thalidomide even though they wanted her to. She wanted to take nothing to take the chance of harming me. The last 2 months she stopped bleeding and was able to go on to have a normal pregnancy. When I was born she said my Dad cried because I was a girl. I suspect it was also because I was born healthy. When I was in school, they needed a new car. So my Mom got a part time job at a new store that had come to town called Shopko. Eventually it led to a full time job and she was head of her department for 18 years until her retirement. Between the 2 of them they never in their lives made over 20,000 a year. But the house I grew up in, which was their second house, was paid off as long as I can remember even in my childhood. They never had a car loan. Only paid cash. We would take driving vacations once a year and I felt spoiled at Christmas. Always had plenty of food. My Mom was the one who paid the bills and budgeted and I remember her having a special envelope that she would put money in and once a month, fill the freezer with meat on sale from the money in that envelope. During those 18 years my second oldest brother started showing signs of alcoholism and although they did everything in their power to help and support him, years later it took his life. When my Mom retired they traveled around to every state. Many of them more than once. They mostly took tour buses and had a ball. Their house was filled with souvenir coffee cups, so many coffee cups, from every place and Mom would get souvenir sun visors, the kind with no top to it. Their favorite place was Vegas. I'm not sure if it was Dad's favorite but he just loved seeing Mom have so much fun. She loved the buffets and playing the slots, One time she called me at 11:00 p.m. because she had won $110 on the nickel machine. Dad thought that wasn't enough to warrant a call but she didn't care she was so excited. Another story they had told that makes me chuckle every time I think of it was how they went to an all girls dance show only to have the girls in the end pull off their bottoms to reveal they were actually men. I'm sure that was a huge shock to someone of their generation. But they laughed about it. During one of those trips my dad was on and escalator that suddenly stopped and he fell and hit his head. A week later he had a seizure and from then on there was a steady decline. My Mom took care of him as long as she could. Even after breaking a hip, after I had taken him in for a period while she recovered. I don't know how she did that. I lived 2.5 hours away and my oldest brother lived in the same town but she did it mostly all on her own. I suspect now to keep a secret just how bad it was so no one would say to put him in a nursing home. When it finally got so bad he had to go to a nursing home, she would take a taxi ( she never drove since coming to America) every day to be with him and towards the end feed him at least one meal a day. Some years later she had a house fire. After everything was fixed she moved back in but I started noticing some looping of sentences and questions and I started having to pay her bills and such. Looking back I think she had a small stroke during that house fire time. She was incredibly fiercely, adamant about staying in her home. You have no idea how much, so we tried to allow that for as long as possible. She also said she would never, ever live with one of her kids as she tried to do that with her mom after her Dad passed and it didn't work. But when she was 90 it was getting worse. At this time I was living 2.5 hours away. She was supposed to go for a physical one day so I asked her friend to help get her there. That morning her friend found her laying in the bath tub. She had been there for a few hours. She had fallen and although she brought a phone in it was out of reach. Her friend helped her to bed but she was sick and wouldn't eat so she called an ambulance. There they found scar tissue that should she had had a stroke at some point. I'm wondering if another minor one during that time as her memory seemed worse. They had her in rehab there and when she was to be released I brought her to live near me in assisted living. It was a beautiful place and I thought she was going to love it. But once there she would have no part of it. It I wasn't there she would call me literally non-stop 24 hours a day. She called the police. She kept on insisting on going back to Marshfield. The assisted living said she actually needed much more care than assisted living and needed long term care. Dementia had settled in much more during that time. My oldest brother who still lived in Marshfield said to bring her back. He became legally in charge of her and found long term care for her. She fought it hard at first but then settled in. During that time my oldest brother died of pancreatic cancer. I was her only child left now. She could remember other things but that. That she just wouldn't let herself remember. At first they told me to lie about it but he had told her about it before he died so she kept asking how he was and being agitated. The nurse said it wasn't working to protect her. So I would have to tell her over and over again. Sometimes within a 5 minute period. And every time it was like the first time she was hearing it. Eventually when I told her she wouldn't get so upset but rather wonder why she didn't remember. I said her brain just didn't want to. Not long after his death, my husband I were transferred to Austin, TX. I worked on getting her moved here, which proved to be much harder and much more red tape than I thought. The day before we picked her up she said she was scared but said she would trust us. The morning we picked her up and had a 3 hour drive to the airport, she didn't remember what we were doing. I held her hand while my husband drove and had her talk about Germany. I was slightly panicked because you have no idea how feisty she can be and fight back. I literally made sure child safety locks were on. But As the hours passed she hadstarted remembering what we were doing and while on the plane she said she never thought at her age she would be on a plane again. Surprisingly for the most part she took the move here well. But I came to see her nearly every day and she kept saying how nice it was that we lived so close to each other now. She has had several health problems in the past, arthritis in her hands and very,very bad in her shoulders, a broken hip, hiatal hernia, and advancing dementia, etc, etc, But she was still walking in a walker. But in January she started complaining of a sore hip area that ran down her leg. X-rays revealed very advanced osteoporosis and a fractured pelvis. It showed she had old fractures there in the past but this was a bad one. It also revealed a fractured arm just below her horribly arthritic shoulders that she had never said anything about. Doctors don't know if it was an unreported fall or that her osteoporosis is so advanced just sitting too hard could have caused it. She used say she had aches and pains but that went with growing old. After days 3 in the hospital, at 95, they didn't want to do surgery. Especially since it showed some heart irregularities. She went to a rehab and skilled nursing place just down the road from me and since the hospital and all through that time I spent all day, every day with her and I'm so glad I did. For a while she was doing better but then a decline started happening. I think she knew it was getting close because even before the hospital she couldn't tell me often enough how much she loved me and often asked about the family and how everyone was doing. She knew my son was trying to get his post college graduate job here ( he moved with us) and kept asking if he got it and when he got his dream job she would say there, now all your family is set. She had started refusing to eat. Would spit it out and cover her mouth. Saying I don't eat anymore. One time I said " Mom if you don't eat, you won't survive". She shrugged and said I've lived a good long life. Then a week ago she started refusing her meds. She would spit them out even if they were crushed and put into something for her. She would wave her arm and say NO! So now she was getting nothing for pain. When my Dad was failing she had a DNR put into place and no feeding tubes etc. She said he wouldn't want to be kept alive that way. So when she moved here I found in her papers she had made one out for herself as well. I was legally her guardian but respected her wishes. She had kept saying no food, only drink. So I could at least get nutritional drinks in her. She'd have some not so bad days and one day while laying in bed and we were looking out the window, she said I wish we could do something together. My thought went to the fact that she was pretty weak and was in a wheel chair now if she did get up and how would I take her somewhere. So I said what should we go do? But then she said that's okay, just being here together is all I need. I did take her walking outside in the wheelchair another day and was going to go on an adventure but she just wanted to go back in. I think she wanted something she knew her body couldn't handle anymore. One day she wouldn't drink any more. And that went into the next day. They ordered hospice and that would have involved morphine for pain. They felt she had some time yet as she was still having plenty of output but I had a feeling. I crawled in bed with her and held her hand and stoked her hair and forehead. If I stopped at all she would gesture to continue. She would kiss my hand. And reached for us to give a kiss. I started to talk about some happy memories but she gestured me to stop. So I just kept telling her how much I loved her. The nurse had come in at one point and checked her oxygen and such and said she was okay but I felt a panic that hospice should be starting. It was evening now and hospice was starting in the morning. But then we were all alone, and suddenly her breathing changed and she got a look in her eyes. I knew, so I stayed by her side and kissed her hand and told her how much I loved her and that would we would all be great and happy and that dad was waiting for her. Her hands turned blue and she took several more breaths and was gone. It happened so fast. It was just her and I. And a part of me is glad that even though she as in pain, she went the way she wanted. Taking nothing. I know this was very long winded. But I felt such an incredible woman like that with such a long life, deserved to be told about at her death. She used to love to tell her story. Especially her European days and she would have thought it was cool to have so many people listen. And there was no one to tell anymore. Thank you for listening. I miss her already. Per her wishes she is being cremated. As a memorial, I am thinking of mixing Mom and Dad's ashes into one container, and anyone who wants to go with us, go with their ashes to Vegas. Go to the buffets, play the slots, buy the souvenir visors and coffee mugs. Go do something together. EDITED: I made a comment below but wanted to make sure all saw it. I saw some comments asking for pictures so I put together a few of my favorite and some documents with a link. I hope it works. I cannot even begin to put into words how much all your kind words have meant to me. And to her. I just know she's reading them with me. And I'm eading each and every one. And I am ready others sharing loss and grief and worry of their own parents and grandparents. I'm so sorry you are going through that. But I'm so grateful there is a place that we can share kind words for eachother. Some times, when you are out in every day life, at the grocery store, getting gas, you encounter people that may be feeling loss, or about to have loss. And they are going about their every day life and no one to share this with. It has helped to share her story. When I think back, I wish I had taken even more time and heard even more stories but I'm so grateful for the ones I have. And she would have LOVED it more than I can tell you that so many people have read her story. You have helped my heart. And I cannot thank you enough. Images I'm sharing [here](https://imgur.com/a/5aSry04)
My Mother has always considered me to be lucky. I don’t really know why she thinks that. Maybe it’s because of the time I won fifty bucks at the church raffle. Father Greg was so happy that I’d won. He said it was ‘well deserved’. Or the twenty dollars I scored from a scratch lottery ticket. Mother put it in my stocking last Christmas. She said it was from Santa. I went back to the store and spent it on my favorite beef jerky. But the one thing we both agree, is that I’m not lucky with girls. And it makes me sad. Mother wants grandkids real, real bad. And she always says that it’s up to me. Sometimes though it made her so mad, she'd just yell and yell at me about how I’m not giving her any grandkids. I’m just not lucky with girls. Not at all. But I am lucky with winning stuff. I’d like to think this is why Mother decided to send me to Las Vegas for my fortieth birthday, you know, to win big. It wasn’t though. I didn’t even want to go. But Mother had spent all that money. We didn’t even have it in the first place. I argued about it, but as usual she won. The Las Vegas hotel was nice. It had a king sized bed, a huge bathtub and a balcony. I didn’t know how Mother could afford this. She even gave me two hundred dollars to gamble with. It was pretty quiet besides Mother calling the room every hour bugging me to go out and gamble. All I wanted to do is stay in my room and watch HBO. It had HBO! But I got bored of watching TV. I told myself I’ll find a quarter slot and that’s it. Maybe I’ll even have a beer. I like beer. I knew this would make Mother happy. I could just see her being so happy. She has big blue eyes. They get bigger when she’s happy. I was surprised to see I’d already won almost a hundred bucks. The machine I picked was giving wins left and right. Mother always said I’m lucky, but I’ve never been this lucky. Then I remembered what Brad Pitt said in that George Clooney movie, “in this town, your luck could run out just like that”. I cashed out and decided to have one more beer somewhere. I’d get something fancy, for winning and turning forty. But the seat at the bar had a poker machine. I bet another twenty. I hit a royal flush. And that’s when she came over. She smelled like vanilla ice cream and cherry coke. A real knockout. She ordered a drink and sat next to me. She wasn’t as lucky as I was and lost her money fast but she stayed and watched me play video poker. She was real friendly. Kept asking me if I wanted to go to a party or something. I don’t like parties though. The pretty lady got more drinks, this time one for me too, a beer. She said it was for my birthday. Funny thing though, I didn’t remember telling her that is was my fortieth birthday. But honestly, I don’t remember much of anything after the beer she bought me. It was like one of them strange dreams. You know, where you don’t really know if it’s real or not. Or sometimes you just forget and don’t remember anything. You just fall asleep and wake up somewhere weird. Like the time I woke up in Ms Anderson’s bed with half my clothes gone. Mother said I’d sleepwalked again. Ms Anderson was real nice about it. She even made me some breakfast and gave a ride home. Come to think of it, I woke up a few times in weird places. But waking up at Ms Anderson’s, that was one of the weirdest. I think too because it happened a couple times. And she was always nice about it, making me breakfast and taking me home. Mother didn’t think none of it neither. Her and Ms Anderson were always friendly. I think it’s cause Ms Anderson was by herself all the time. She had nobody. Mother felt sorry for her I think. But yeah, that was one of the weirdest places, at least until I woke up there in Las Vegas. There was a loud banging on the door. It woke me up. I was on the hotel bed, had all my clothes on, but the funny thing was, it wasn’t my hotel room. The room was old and kind of dirty. It had one of those old fashioned TVs. I got scared. Thought maybe I was still dreaming. But I wasn’t. They kept banging on the door. I answered and it was a cab driver. Said he was my ride back to the airport. He was kind of mad and said he’d been knocking for a few minutes. I looked for my luggage but it was gone. Only thing I had was my wallet and the plane ticket boarding thing. The hotel looked like it was shut down. Some of the windows were even boarded up. I thought, well there I go again, sleepwalking. The cab drove me to the airport. I was pretty far out of town in the desert. It took us a long time to get back. I didn’t know how I got so far away. I remember drinking the beer that pretty lady bought me. Then it was like that dream I was talking about. You know, I didn’t know if it was real or not. It’s not like I don’t remember nothing. I remember a different woman getting real close to me. She was older and not pretty like the other lady. It was like I was getting a massage or something. She had really cold hands. There was a man there too, in a business suit. He was on the phone all the time. Thought he owned a farm or something, kept talking about eggs, and keeping them fresh. He looked sort of familiar. Like the guy mother and I went to see for her small operation. She had something done to her private area. The man kind of looked like him, but not really. I don’t remember the hotel though. Or how I got there. I just wanted to get home and hope Mother didn’t find out that I sleepwalked again or ask me where my suitcase was. She’d be furious at me for drinking beer and ending up somewhere weird. Mother was happy to see me at the airport though. She didn’t ask me a thing and even took me to McDonalds on the way home. She’d been doing some decorating and totally cleared out the spare room. She said we’re gonna need it to be ready and have it look nice. Boy, was she was right. Like always. Almost a year went by when Mother said we’d be going back to Las Vegas. This time though we’re driving she said. I was kind of excited. I like long drives. There’s lots of cool stuff to see on the way. But Mother said we weren’t stopping and maybe only once to get gas and pee. She was really excited to get there I guess. I asked why we were going. She just said it was a surprise. We drove to Las Vegas and like Mother said, only stopped once. When we finally got there we drove right past the city and took some road out into the desert. We kept driving and driving. By now I couldn’t even see Las Vegas anymore. We ended up at some weird place. It was like a neighborhood but real, real old. Houses were locked up and some were falling apart. People were living in trailers right there in the middle of the desert. The place we stopped at was a house. It was one of the nicer ones. Mother and I went inside. I could hear the babies crying from one of the bedrooms. Boy, there were a lot of them. Sounded like that time we went to the dog pound when we got Toby. He’s a good boy. Mother went into the bedroom with a lady. She lived there I guess. She looked a little familiar, but I don’t know from where though. I could hear them arguing. I’ve never heard Mother so mad. They were yelling and screaming at each other about the babies. Like there was too many or something, and Mother wasn’t happy about it, but the lady kept saying it wasn’t on purpose and there’s nothing she could do about it. The babies were crying so loud. I was scared. Real scared. Then Mother come out holding two of them. The lady was behind her with two more. Mother told me to get into the car, we were leaving. I got into the backseat and Mother gave me the two she was holding. Then the lady put the two she was holding next to me on the seat. They both went back into the house and came out with three more. Mother had them in a basket on the floor up front. I asked Mother whose kids these were. She said they were her grandchildren. It’s been three years since we picked up the kids. I can’t keep up with them. Everyday it’s nothing but crying, barfing and dirty diapers. Mother told me, before she died last year that I was lucky to have them in my life. I remember her smiling at me with her big blue eyes. But I don’t feel so lucky and I miss her being here. I miss her real bad. But even though the kids are really hard to look after all by myself, sometimes when they’ve finally quieted down, it’s not so bad. It’s even kind of fun. Some of them sort of look like me when I was a small kid. It’s kind of weird. But I think the best thing about them is that they remind me of Mother. They all have her eyes.
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms OR Fluffy's Birthday Party
Saturday, December 18th I wake up and my back is fucking killing me. Megan closed the spa last night and she's quitting her (shitty) second job and her last day is Saturday so she's gone in early to get everything wrapped up and her exit interview. I decide to clean up my garage a bit and get some work done around the house. The morning starts off with some eggs and breakfast sausage with a tall glass of simply grapefruit. Life isn't great, but it could be a lot worse. We are all having a little chat about life, weekends and women as I move charcoal and my dads tools around the garage when suddenly my good buddeh u/fluffy_butternut tells everyone that regular women are not damaged enough for me to enjoy. Not only is this HIGHLY insulting to me, but it reflects poorly on Megan as well. rewind to several months before Mrs. Fluffy emailed the whole reddit gang and told us we are invited to a surprise birthday party for the big guy. She gave us instructions/time/place, etc and everything. She did a TON of work to plan this and it shows. I was under the gun at the courthouse with a trial and I wasn't able to commit to the event and all of us have stuff going on so the odds of anyone being able to make it were not good. However, I kept her email, and her cell number on a burner. cut to present https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyLdtG7KZvw Did he really go there? He really went there. It's fucking on like Donkey Kong. I pull out a burner and send a message to Mrs. Fluffy asking her if the plans are still the same. She tells me when he will be arriving at the venue and I tell her I'm gonna make a big fucking scene. She is ecstatic at this idea. I grab my packed bag from the closet and jump in the F350. I grab two organic bean to bar 88% endangered species chocolate bars for Megan and I stop by her work. She's busy, so I leave the chocolate for her at her station. I give her co-worker a note to hand to her when she gets out. "Dear Megan, out for revenge. Back tomorrow - Will." I start driving to MSY and traffic down I-10 isn't bad for a saturday. I phone Delta on the way there and book tickets for the flight. The only thing available is MD88 service connecting in Laguardia. In First. Being no stranger to the slightly elevated service and highly elevated price business model, I book the flight. I'm a little early so I make my way to the nearly brand new Delta Sky Club at MSY. It's new, the gumbo is tasty, the wifi is fast. Life isn't bad. Until I get the phone call from Megan. Me: Hi sweetie Megan: what the fuck does "out for revenge mean?" Me: It means I'm out for revenge. I gotta do some things. Megan: What things? We're supposed to have dinner with my brother tomorrow night! Me: Uh. It's a long story. How was your exit interview? Megan: It was fine. I'm leaving early today. Me: Did you go back to your station yet? Megan: No Me: You should stop there again before you leave. Megan: Why? The airport PA screeches boarding announcement for my flight. Me: They're calling my flight. I gotta run. Megan: Flight? What? Me: Gotta hop. Buy potatoes. See you tomorrow night! I hang up and hightail it for the gate. I pop in and see the pilots before we leave and ask them what are the odds we get 31 via the expressway today. He says he was just loading it into the box. I tell him the last time I did 31 via the expressway into LGA at the Delta Museum sim, it was not good. In fact it was the worst thing to hit new york since a bunch of muslims on a tuesday in September. He laughs. The ride into LGA is smooth as the HMG STG delivery schedule. New York is WINDY as fuck today and bumpy. I peer out the window of the left side of the plane and I get a beautiful close up photo of the statue of liberty and Ellis island. Wait. We're supposed to get 31 via the expressway. We should be on the localizer for LGA runway 4. That puts us right over my aunts place in Bay Ridge looking at the Verazanno. We're not getting 31, they're probably going to take us up over central park, back over da bronx and then in via 22. Sure enough, we land on 22 and I ask the pilots what happened and they said the winds shifted and they had to turn the airport around. Eh, no biggie. I've seen it once, I'll see it again. It's a great approach to fly and if you ever get to experience it, it's fucking magical. We land at LGA a few minutes late and the weather is cold, crisp and windy. I have a short connection but I head to the LGA sky club in terminal D. Life is good. I crack the laptop and do some work and as I close the laptop as they call my flight I see the very beginnings of light snow. I'm from Louisiana. I've never seen snow before. This scares me. I walk to the gate and I board in group 1 and take my first class seat. The plane is half empty. I walk up and chat with the pilots and they tell me that with the snow we are going to deice with type 1 fluid and anti ice with type 4 fluid. We will be a little delayed. As I gaze out the window from my seat, it's snowing and blowing even more. Ten minutes later, the boarding door closes and we start to push back. Conditions have worsened significantly. We can't see the next plane in front of us, things have turned into not quite whiteout but very concerning to this southern boy. The pilots tell us we are number 3 for the deicing truck and I gaze out onto the runway. It's whiter than an Ohio MAGA rally. Fuck me to tears. We deice as I check the weather in Pittsburgh. Rain/Freezing rain/Snow/wintry mix. I've never driven in snow. Fuck. Pucker factor increasing. I pull out my burner and send a message to Mrs. Fluffy and tell her I'm at the deice pad and will be there soon. We have a bumpy ride all the way across Pennsylvania and land about 30 minutes late. Hertz has me in the presidents circle but there is not a single car with local plates. I downgrade to a 2020 white Toyota Corolla since it's the only thing with PA plates on it and I hightail it to the venue. I talk to the waitstaff and tell them I'm crashing the party and ask them to get me a tray and a vest with a nametag. The staff is laughing their ass off at my idea. I message Mrs. Fluffy and she thinks the idea is HYSTERICAL. She can't wait. I tell her I'll be there at 645. T minus 60 minutes until Fluffy Arrival I've never been to this part of Pennsylvania. To be honest, I am a Philly guy. The people there are angry, drunken, profane and love cheese steaks. They're my kind of people. I've never been to a Sheetz or Primanti Brothers. However, fluffy tells me some stories about how he and his wife have a good time over at the meadows. I have NEVER been to a racino before, and ever since I was nearly arrested at Wynn Las Vegas - I've been a little scared. However, it's just down the road and as some of you know, I just came into a shit ton of money. This is not going to end well. I drive down interstate 79 and whip into the north parking garage at The Meadows. My pre-packed bag has four days of clothes, underwear, socks and PJ's, two kruggerands and $10,000 in cash just in case i need to flee the country. I pull out the ten dimes and make my way into the racino. The Meadows is HUGE. I get past the security checkpoint and walk around and I don't see any table games. I see a large well appointed poker room and see two craps tables working at the other end of the hall. I have no idea what table limits or odds are. I saunter up to the table. Me: How's the temperature guys? Degen1: Eh it's up and down. Me: As long as it's not as cold as outside amirte? Degen2: haha yeah yinz been outside today? freezing rain and that! Me: I don't know these words but whatever. The point is on 6. I drop $10,000 on the table. Me: Change only. Gimme 1 small and 9 thousands. Pit Boss: do you have a players club card? Me: never played here before, don't worry about it for now. Pit Boss: Okay! The dice come out, it hits jimmy hicks and the dealers pay out all the bets. I look at the table, the minimums are $5 and everyone has pass line and numbers. NOBODY has true odds. Fuck it. Time to show them how it's done. I drop $10 on the pass line. Dice are out. Point is four. I look up and down the table and nobody is making odds bets. I look down at my rack and drop $100 behind my bet. Dice come out. Six hard. Me: Hey pit boss! How much can I put behind the line? Pit Boss: We'll let you go to 10x, so we can take $100 on your pass line. It looks like you got $100 there but we'd count it out and if you were over we'll give you the extra back. Me: solid, thanks! I look down at my watch. Fluffy is due to arrive at 1900hrs. I told Mrs. I would be there at 1845. It's 15 minutes to drive from the garage to the party which means I need to be on the highway at 1830 which means I need to be out of the casino and cashed out and walking to the garage by 1825. She sends me a message asking me where I'm at. I tell her I'm at the meadows and.....fuck it's 1821. Fuck it. Go big or go home. I take my pass line up to $500 and shove $5000 behind the line. Everyone at the table is looking at me funny. I give $2400 to the dealers and tell them to split me the 6/8. Pit Boss: are you SURE you don't want a players club card? Me: no time! throw them bones! The whip slides the dice over to the fella next to me. He throws. Dealer: Four hard, four the hard way, four. Everyone at the table is looking at me funny. My $500 pass line bet has paid even money. The $5000 behind the line pays true odds on a 4, at 2:1. I look down at my watch. 1829. The dealers are stacking and distributing chips with a fervor. Me: Take down my 6/8 and color me up. Dealer: You got it boss! As they color up my chips, I tell Mrs. fluffy I just won a ton of money at the meadows and I'm cashing out now. I take a $100 chip, hold it up and ask if the dealers want to play it or drop it Dealer: It's up to you man, we don't mind. I plant the chip down on the pass line and tell them put half on the pass line ferda boys, drop the other half. They all LITERALLY clap and thank me. Me: One more thing, where's the cashier? They point me to the cage with the aplomb of a new airport ramper. I leave the casino with a giant wad of cash bulging in my jeans. There's no line and they count out all my cash quickly. I look down at my watch as she's counting out the last of the small bills. 1835. Fuck. I'm going to be late. I hate being late. I jog out to the north garage and hightail it back up interstate 79. I have never driven in snow, at night, or for that matter driven in Pennsylvania before until now. It's snowing, it's dark, the speed limit is 55 and I am the SLOWEST guy in the right lane at 80 and people are passing me going WTF ARE YOU DOING GET OFF THE ROAD judging by the horns and the flashing headlights. I am HAULING ass back up to the venue and I park the Toyota in a handicapped spot as I race into the venue. I find Harriet, the party planner she hands me a vest with a nametag. My transition from Will the gun dealer to Mario the waiter will completed as soon as he arrives. I get fluffy's favorite drink and a plate of some food set up on a tray and I hide in the back waiting for his arrival. Here's a photo. https://imgur.com/yZP2FuI As if it were choreographed to the minute, Mrs. Fluffy walks him in the front door at 7PM to a room full of people as a birthday surprise. He had not seen it coming. He begins making the rounds seeing everyone and saying hello. It's a big party so it takes some time. I hang back for a few minutes and let him do his thing and I give my phone to one of his friends and tell them to get this next part on video as I put on the vest and adjust the nametag. Friendo: Sure thing "mario" Me: shut up and just do some good camera work! I take the tray of beverage and minature charcuterie plate over to fluffy as he's greeting the party guests and sneak up behind him. He's taking his grand old time working the room. In my best italian Pittsburgh native accent I can muster, I'm holding the tray and I walk in front of him and put on a great big smile. Me: Can I get yinz something to drink? Or some charcuterie and that? Fluffy: ....... (I now feign anger) Me: OR IS THIS FOOD AND BEVERAGE NOT DAMAGED ENOUGH FOR YOUR LIKING?!?!?!??!?!?! YOU FAT DIABETIC OLD FUCK! Fluffy: What.....are you.........doing here? Me: Mrs told us about it and I figured I should give you a hard time after your comments this morning. Would you like some food? You know, airplane noises make the food taste better. Or are you a little too old for that? Lets give it a try! (I grab a carrot stick and fly it into his face by making very loud airplane noises in a ballroom full of fluffy's closest friends and family making a gigantic scene with people wondering is this a joke or what horrors are about to come next. No, this is not a joke, this really happened. Ask anyone who was there.) Fluffy: I'm good thanks Me: you sure? (more airplane noises followed by a carrot slice raping his mouth) Fluffy is shocked and awed. I tell him to go work the room and to have a happy birthday party. There's an open bar and I help myself to a double ginger ale, neat. I find some millennials and we chat about Hawaiian shirts and stuff and they think my comedy is HILARIOUS. Unlike most of reddit. Fluffy saunters over and we chat some more and he's wondering WTF. I told him the wife planned it all months in advance. Fluffy: You know u/xxxwirtydhorexxx is here. Me: That's really funny. Fluffy: No, he's really here. Me: Bullshit. Then where is he? Fluffy: He's right in front of you, 12 o'clock. I don't see him. Then I look down and there's a guy in a boonie hat. I didn't recognize him without the dress. Me: Oh dear god. He's really here isn't he? Wirty gets up and walks over and he's like HI! I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU! We have a bunch of really really awkward conversation that involves him inviting me to sit next to him and me running over to Mrs. Fluffy asking her to save me from wirty. She finds a spot at her table by her kids for me. I forget his present, even though his wife said no presents and there's a table full of booze, scratchers, and gun stuff. I drive back up to the hotel to grab it and give it to him. He has no idea what it is. You all should ask him about it. I give it to him and Wirty starts complaining about normies. Fluffy: Where are you staying? Me: The Hilton just down the street Fluffy: Oh, the one on the top of the hill? Me: That's why it's the HILL-ton. Everyone groans. Me and wirty talk and he weirds me out and demands to stand next to me in the group photo. I tell more jokes and the millenial group loves me. We close the place down and head back to fluffy's hotel. BOY HOWDY LET ME TELL YOU.........if you thought MY stories were longwinded and pointless you have not met some of fluffy's friends! His local raconteur buddy was telling us at 145AM his story about being fucked by the Virginia state police for speeding. Yeah. I dump him off at his hotel and I head back up to my room. It's 3AM by the time I shower and sleep. SUNDAY JANUARY 19TH 2020 My alarm wakes me up at 9AM. My back is killing me. My head is pounding. It's 21 degrees outside. Fuck this noise. I go back to sleep. The hotel phone rings. Me: Go for Hayden Operator: I have a fluffy butternut on the phone for you. Me: Go ahead and connect us Operator: Thank you (sound of dial tone) I'm not making this up. I grab my phone and call fluffy and we have brunch at the meadows with the mrs. It's fun, we talk guns, life, liberty and the pursuit of extra sides of marinara. I hang out with them at the slot machines until it's time to head to the airport. I gas up at the sheetz next to the racetrack and I fly back home in coach since my status on delta is radioactive dirt. The incoming flight is late from Atlanta which means we leave late for Atlanta and i get back home 2.5 hours later than I expected. Laundry is running and I am unpacking as Megan walks in the door. Me: Hi! Megan: Hi. Back from revenge so soon? Me: Yeah. I'm actually late. How was dinner with your brother? Megan: Good. He took me to olive garden. So tell me what was so important you had to go out for revenge and come back the next day? (I tell her the story) Megan: Wait a minute. Your friend insulted you as a joke, so you bought a last minute first class ticket to new york and pennsylvania to fly to his surprise birthday party to yell at him in person, in january in 21 degree weather? Me: Yeah. Megan: Why would you do that? Me: Well he said that you're damaged goods. He wasn't insulting me, he was insulting you. I didn't like that. Megan: You cannot be serious. Me: I am serious. Megan: and don't call you Shirley? Me: You're weird. Megan: I'm not the one that just flew across the country to go "out for revenge", and I'm the weird one? Me: (goofy smile) Megan: (goofy laughter) Have a lovely holiday weekend everyone!
Percy Jackson and the Olympians Season 1 Episode 5 (pt 1)
I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it. If you work for Disney, this is a pitch. Cast Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood Liv Tyler as the Nereid Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano Barbra Walters as herself Vin Diesel as Crusty Idris Elba as Charon Andy Serkis as Evil Voice Hugo Weaving as Hades Dwayne Johnson as Ares Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab. CABBY: (Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth) Where to, kids? ANNABETH: (Calm, confident) Los Angeles, please. CABBY: (Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar) Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront. ANNABETH: Do you take casino debit cards? CABBY: Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe. ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock. CABBY: (Shocked, excited) W-where in Los Angeles, your highness? ANNABETH: (Sits up a little, smiles) Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change. The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino. PERCY: … And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then… (Gulps) … The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them. GROVER: Well that got dark fast. PERCY: There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One… ANNABETH: (Disappointed, blunt) Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES. PERCY: (Unsure) Maybe… GROVER: Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation. PERCY: Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older. ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread. PERCY: (Concerned) What? What’s wrong? ANNABETH: (A bit uneasy) N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong- PERCY: Like what? ANNABETH: I- (Reluctant) -I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT. PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit. PERCY: (Suspicious, confused) But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD? GROVER: To blackmail him into giving your mom back. PERCY: (Surprised) You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat. GROVER: (Blunt) Thanks. PERCY: But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other? GROVER shrugs. PERCY: (Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes) You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit? ANNABETH: (Hesitant, worried) PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES. PERCY: (Thinking) I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing. ANNABETH: (Uneasy) Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD. PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past. EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET The kids head to the edge of the surf. ANNABETH: Well? What now? PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water. ANNABETH: (Surprised, worried) PERCY? What are you- PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water. GROVER: Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is? ANNABETH: (Concerned) PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third- Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view. EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally. PERCY: That’s gonna take some getting used to. He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him. PERCY (Startled, jumps) Ah! PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along. PERCY: (Surprised) Whoa, boy! The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean. PERCY: (Slightly worried) Where are you taking me? The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon. WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.) (Quiet, gentle, far away) PERSEUS… PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis. WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.) (Gentle) PERCY JACKSON… PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other. WATER SPIRIT: (Smiling, kind) You have come far, my hero. Well done. PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did. WATER SPIRIT: (Small laugh) You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me. PERCY: You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you? WATER SPIRIT: Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court. PERCY: And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean? NEREID: Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest. PERCY: (Confused, a bit resentful) If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person? A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet. NEREID: (Sad, gentle) Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know. PERCY: (Surprised, a bit sad) Even to their own children? NEREID: Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift. The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls. NEREID: You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents? PERCY: (Awkward) Um… well… no. NEREID: (Kind smile) But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet. PERCY: (Tentatively takes the pearls) … What do they do? NEREID: That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea. PERCY: (Stares at the pearls with wonder) You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it? NEREID: (Leans forward) Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith. The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon. NEREID: Good luck, PERCY JACKSON. PERCY: (Urgent) Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts? NEREID: (Voice becoming distant) Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart… The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface. EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER PERCY shows the pearls to his friends. ANNABETH: (Skeptical) This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free. PERCY: But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached. ANNABETH: You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see. PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley. PERCY: (Relieved) Phew… that was a close- PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store. GABE: (ON TV SCREEN) (Feigning grief) Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just… GROVER: For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor. GABE: (Wipes away fake tear) I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it. BARBRA WALTERS: (Overly dramatic, turns to camera) There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago. A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters. BARBRA WALTERS: (Over dramatic) Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America. PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder. GROVER: Come on, dude. Let’s get going. The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people. GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.) Hey, kid! PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley. HOMELESS MAN: (Fidgeting) Spare some change? PERCY: (Awkward, nervous) Um… sorry, no. Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram. HOMELESS MAN: (Shocked) What the-!? PERCY: (Surprised, disappointed) Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that. ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain. ANNABETH: (Urgent) Run! The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”. ANNABETH: There! The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past. GROVER: (Relieved) Phew… I think we lost them. MALE VOICE: (O.S.) Lost who? PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON: (Startled, jump) Ah! The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them. TALL BALD MAN: (Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth) How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty. PERCY: (Holding back a laugh, quiet) Yes, you are. CRUSTY: (Raises eyebrow) Hm? PERCY: (Slightly embarrassed, awkward) I said, uh… sorry to barge… in. CRUSTY: Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So… (Gestures around shop) … Can I interest you kids in a water bed? PERCY: (Uncomfortable) Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need- CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop. PERCY: Uh, okay, this is weird… CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets. CRUSTY: Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care. PERCY: (Anxious) Um, no, I think we’ll be leave- GROVER: (Excited) Dude, million hand massage?! No way! GROVER jumps into the massage bed. GROVER: (Voice vibrating) O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet! CRUSTY: (Disappointed, stroking chin) Hmm, not quite… PERCY: (Uneasy) Huh? Not quite what? CRUSTY: (Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder) Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here. ANNABETH: (Uncomfortable) I… but… CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it. ANNABETH: (Angry) Hey! Get your hands off- CRUSTY: (Snaps fingers) Ergo! Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress. ANNABETH: (Panicking, screaming) Hey! LET ME GO! GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well. GROVER: (Alarmed) I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes! PERCY: (Steps back, shocked) What the hell are you- CRUSTY: (Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck) Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec. PERCY: (Assertive, serious) Let my friends go. CRUSTY: (Calm, friendly) Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit. PERCY: (Confused, angry) Fit? What do you- CRUSTY: Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements… CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain. PERCY: (Angry, shouting) Let them go, now! CRUSTY: Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh? ANNABETH: (Screaming in pain) PERCY!!! GROVER: (Screaming in pain) HELP!!! PERCY: (Suspicious) Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it? CRUSTY: Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES. PERCY: The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality. PROCRUSTES: (Grinning) That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market. PERCY: (Eyes get wide, gets an idea) Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it. PROCRUSTES: (Flattered) You think so? PERCY: Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous. PROCRUSTES: (Grinning) I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards? PERCY: (Shrugging) Not too many. PROCRUSTES: Exactly! ANNABETH: (Angry, confused, screaming in pain) PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!? PERCY: (Dismissive) Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed. PROCRUSTES: (Sighing, disappointed) None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings! PERCY: So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet? PROCRUSTES: Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here- (Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe) - And I lop off whatever hangs off either side! PERCY: (Surprised, nervous) Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible. PROCRUSTES: (Excited) Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer! PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds. PERCY: So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed… (Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets) … Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion? PROCRUSTES: Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try? PERCY: (Stroking chin, pretending to be interested) Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you? PROCRUSTES: Absolutely. PERCY: Really? No waves at all? PROCRUSTES: None. Guaranteed. PERCY: (Pretending to be skeptical) No way. PROCRUSTES: Way. PERCY: Prove it. PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress. PROCRUSTES: See? No waves at all- PERCY: (Snaps fingers) Ergo! Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top. PROCRUSTES: (Shocked, angry) What the-?! PERCY: (Frowns, feigning disappointment) Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit… (Uncaps Riptide) … Let me make a few adjustments. PROCRUSTES: (Anxious, gulps) Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models! PERCY: (Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer) Really? Any of the floor models? PROCRUSTES: Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months. PERCY: Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one. PROCRUSTES: (Curious) Really? What’s that? PERCY: (Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck) Go to TARTARUS. PROCRUSTES: (Frowns) That’s not a- PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes. PERCY: (Concerned) You alright? ANNABETH: (Groaning) Define “alright”. PERCY: (Smirks) You look taller. ANNABETH: (Irritated) Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time? PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map. PERCY: So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD? GROVER: (Groaning) Dude, give me a sec… (Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound) Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready. PERCY: Good. (Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk) Because it’s right around the block. EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING. ANNABETH: Well, this was not what I was expecting. PERCY: What were you expecting? ANNABETH: (Shrugging) I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti? (Looks directly into the camera) PERCY: (Confused) … Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan? GROVER: (Nervous) Yep. The plan. Love the plan. ANNABETH: (Critical, curt) And what if the plan goes wrong? PERCY: (Trying to be reassuring) Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH. ANNABETH: (Sarcastic) Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine. PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly. ANNABETH: (Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder) I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it. ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge. GROVER: (Nervous, trying to be reassuring) Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world. PERCY: (Smiles, then gets serious) Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass. INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag. PERCY: (Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered) Your name is CHIRON? SECURITY GUARD: (Leans over, smiling, soothing voice) What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur? PERCY: (Slightly embarrassed) N-no. SECURITY GUARD: Sir. PERCY: No, sir. SECURITY GUARD: (Gestures to name tag) Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON. PERCY: (A bit irritated) CHARON. CHARON: Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON. PERCY: (Rolls his eyes) Mr. CHARON. CHARON: Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones? PERCY looks over at ANNABETH. ANNABETH: (A bit uncomfortable) Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD. CHARON: (Blunt, a bit surprised) Oh. Well, that’s refreshing. ANNABETH: (Confused) I, uh- it is? CHARON: Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”. (Grins, clasps hands) So, how did you loves die? PERCY clears his throat. GROVER: (Nervous) Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub. CHARON: (Raises eyebrow) All three of you at once? PERCY: (Awkward) I-it was a really big bathtub. CHARON: (Blunt) Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children… (Sighs, sad) … Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries. PERCY: Oh, we have coins. (Places three drachmas on the desk) CHARON: (Licks lips, excited) My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in… (Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious) Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate? PERCY: (A bit nervous) No, I’m dead. CHARON: (Leans forward, stares the kids down) You’re not dead. (Sniffs the air, disdainful) Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known. PERCY: (Awkward) Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD. CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc. CHARON: Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you. CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away. PERCY: (Serious, assertive) No service, no tip. CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door. PERCY: (Pretending to be disappointed) It’s really a shame. We had more to offer. PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers. CHARON: (Slightly hungry look on face) You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there? PERCY: (Polite) A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…? CHARON: (Annoyed) Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me. (Gestures to his suit) … You think dressing this good is cheap? PERCY: (Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk) Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in. PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly. CHARON: You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense. (Strokes chin, thinking) Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise… PERCY: I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two. CHARON: (Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas) Come along, then. CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish. CHARON: Freeloaders. CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator. CHARON: (Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby) No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years. The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend. ANNABETH: (Uncomfortable) So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby? CHARON: (Blunt) Nothing. ANNABETH: Oh… for how long? CHARON: Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous. ANNABETH: (Curt, sarcastic) Well that’s fair. CHARON: Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading. PERCY: (Confident) We’ll get out alive. CHARON: (Dry) Ha. Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks. CHARON: Well? PERCY: (Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes) N-nothing. CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying. GROVER: (Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit) Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick… PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry. ANNABETH: The River Styx… it’s so… CHARON: Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me. Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance. CHARON: (His face almost entirely transparent) Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings. The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat. CHARON: So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here. CHARON begins rowing away. CHARON: Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise. CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH. PERCY: (Points to quick moving line) What do you make of that? ANNABETH: Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court. PERCY: (Surprised) There’s a court for the dead? ANNABETH: Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. PERCY: Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL? GROVER: Imagine wandering around in a wheat field. PERCY: Well, that doesn't sound so- GROVER: Forever. PERCY: … Oh. I guess that would kinda suck. GROVER: (Eyes wide with fear, points to something) Not as much as that. PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates. PERCY: (Worried, a bit scared) Where are they taking him? GROVER: (Gulps) FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on. As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling. PERCY: (Petrified) H-he’s a rottweiler? ANNABETH: (Slowly turns head towards PERCY) Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”? PERCY: (Awkward) I’m just trying to ease the tension. The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible. PERCY: (Curious) I’m starting to see him better… why? ANNABETH: (Gulps, scared) Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death. CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing. PERCY: (Grim) He can smell the living. GROVER: (Trembling with fear) Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right? ANNABETH: (Small, quiet, terrified) Yeah. Th-th-the plan. The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake. PERCY: GROVER? Translation? GROVER: I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly. PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost. PERCY: (Nervous, trying to be calm) H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh? CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark. PERCY: (Gulps) G-good boy… (Waves the stick around) Y-you see the stick? CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY. PERCY: Fetch! PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly. GROVER: Um, PERCY? PERCY: Yeah? GROVER: Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks. CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide. ANNABETH: Wait! I have an idea. (Start rifling through backpack) CERBERUS gets into an attack position. GROVER: Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now? ANNABETH: (Frantically looking through backpack) Hold on! CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious. ANNABETH: See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit! CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused. ANNABETH: (Assertive) Sit! To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish. ANNABETH: (Pleased) Good boy! ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball. ANNABETH: Drop it! CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber. ANNABETH: (Picks up ball) Good boy. (Glances back at PERCY and GROVER) Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster. PERCY: (Worried, hesitant) But- ANNABETH: Go! PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls. ANNABETH: Stay! You want the ball? Then stay! PERCY: (Worried) What about you? ANNABETH: (Slightly nervous) I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda. PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs. ANNABETH: Good dog! ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball. PERCY: (Impressed) How’d you do that? ANNABETH: (Catching breath) Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and- GROVER: (Urgent) Dudes, less talking, more running. The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet. PERCY: (Worried) ANNABETH? ANNABETH: (Shaky voice, sad smile) Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that? CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads. ANNABETH: (Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears) G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise. PERCY: (Sad, hesitant) ANNABETH… we have to go. ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking. AUTOMATED VOICE: Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected! PERCY: (Urgent) Run! The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone. GROVER: Your plans suck, dude. PERCY: (Irritated) Yeah, well, you’re a donkey. (Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe) Alright, they’re gone. We should- PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance. PERCY: (Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders) Come on. We have to get out of here. ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand. Part 2 will be out soon.
Best Slots to Play in Las Vegas Statistics from the Nevada Gaming Control Board show which slots offer the best payouts in the order of the denomination played. In June 2016 in Clark County, Megabucks progressive slots posted the worst win percentage at 85.15%. 1 That said, two other reasons to play slots in a casino instead McCarran: I’m pretty sure they don’t have scantily clad young women (or anyone else) offering you free drinks while you’re playing slots at the airport. If you play in any casino, you can use a Players Club Card and at least get some kind of casino “goodies” for your play. In fact, a study done in 2001-2002 by Michael Shackleford actually found that the Palms had the best return on nickel slots – 93.42% – of any casino in all of Las Vegas [1], by a pretty significant margin! We definitely recommend the Palms for anyone looking to get the most bang for their slots buck. The slots that tend to have the very lowest RTP’s are one cent slots, so if you can afford to do so try and play slots with a higher denomination, as by doing so you will be playing slots that As we’ve discovered, the best places around Las Vegas to play slots are: The Boulder Area — casino win percentage: 5.78% North Las Vegas — casino win percentage: 6.71% Las Vegas Airport Shuttles. Generally shared, shuttles can be a cost-effective transportation option for getting from the airport to your hotel in Vegas. The cost for an airport shuttle is generally $15-$20 per person, round trip. Some hotels, typically off the Strip, such as Palace Station offer a free airport shuttle as a courtesy to their Slots are a suckers game for those who do not know how to play table games. BJ gives you the best odds, about a 1% edge over the house for single deck, double-split on anything, and allow surrender. If you must play a slot, look for the ones with the highest payouts, and play maximum coins allowed. For example, if you play on a machine with a 25 cent minimum but a one dollar maximum, you should play with one dollar to see the best results. This technique is best for machines with a jackpot. However, this is a good method for regular slot machines as well. Here’s my list of the seven best casinos for slots in Las Vegas. 1 – Aria. Aria Resort & Casino is one of the most luxurious properties on the Las Vegas Strip, and it also has one of the biggest slot machine areas anywhere in the city. On top of that, they have the biggest and best high roller slot machine parlor in the entire state. Wheel of Fortune. The first Wheel of Fortune slot was released way back in 1966, and they’ve been a player favorite ever since. You’ll find them in most of the top Las Vegas casinos. There are two dozen Wheel of Fortune slot machines, and which one (s) you’ll have access to depends on the casino you play at.
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