My name is Jared A. Brock. Having just turned 35, I sat down to reflect on everything I’ve learned so far and made a list of the things I wish I learned far sooner. None of these are rules or commands for you to follow, just personal reflections from a decade of journaling. I hope they save you a lot of time, energy, and struggle:

1. “Save the best for last” is terrible advice.

A French monk taught me this one. Every morning, I put on the newest pair of socks in my drawer. Why wear the rattiest pair? When I sit down to eat, I eat the tastiest bits first. Why let them get cold? After every shower, I put on my favorite clean t-shirt. I have a great bottle of 10-year-old Laphroaig scotch in my cupboard, but I probably won’t drink it for months because I received two bottles of reactor-aged Lost Spirits single malt for Christmas.
Why? Because life is hard enough and we aren’t promised tomorrow. This doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and “live in the moment” at all times, but it does mean we should try to find the golden middle and glean a little bit of pleasure from every day we’re blessed to live. “Save the best for last” is poverty-mentality thinking. It expects worse in the future. Enjoy the best right now — in your marriage, parenting, work, travel, faith, friendship, contribution. Keep all the chips on the table. Be ready at all times to leave without regret.

2. Tools use us.

A hammer literally cannot hit a nail without using a human. A saw cannot cut through a board without using a human. A phone cannot deliver ads without using a human.

3. Avoid false dichotomies.

When given two great options, choose both. When given two horrible options, choose neither.

4. Failure is overcome by one word.

“Next.”

5. Ambition is ruinous for your happiness.

Most goal-setters (myself included) live much of life in anticipation of tomorrow, and when that day arrives, they’re either disappointed by their failures or underwhelmed by their successes.
Instead: trust the process. Whiskey, pasta, bread, beer, and cereal all require just two ingredients — wheat and water — but the outcome is completely different based on the process. Identity precedes action. Determine what you want to be, then find the process that will get you there every single time.

6. Forget what the market wants.

Listen to your gut. Your body knows the difference between good and great. Someone said you should never record a song or code an app or write an article unless it makes you laugh, cry, or orgasm. If an idea doesn’t move you, it won’t move an audience, no matter how “commercial” you think it is.

7. Give yourself a shove.

The best way to eat more candy, drink more vodka, and smoke more cigarettes is to leave them in the middle of the kitchen counter.
You get it. Willpower is useless. Instead, line up a series of little nudges to automatically get you through your day. If you want to work out, leave your shorts by the door or your cleats in your fridge. My blue diode glasses rest on top of my laptop so I have to protect my eyes before logging online. I can’t not see my vitamins when I brush my teeth, or chia seeds when I reach for the Brita. There’s a book beside my bed, toilet, desk, and car’s gear shifter.
Line up enough nudges and you can shove yourself in the right direction.

8. Grandma didn’t use toilet paper.

She used pages from the Sears catalog. Splinter-free wasn’t available until 1935. The Romans used sponges. The Greeks used clay. Francois Rabelais recommended using “the neck of a goose.” Arabians used their left hand.
Never assume our extremely unique cultural moment is “normal.”

9. Ninety-nine isn’t enough.

Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius. The difference between 99 and 100 is the difference between zero and one. Not-boiling, boiling.
Corollary: 101 doesn’t make it any more boiling.

10. Old people know better.

Honoring our elders is one of the most underrated practices in our newness-obsessed society. Sure, there are a ton of old crazy far-right conspiracy theorists, but there are also good people who have survived four wars, six recessions, and twelve presidents and are somehow still smiling. Get to know them.
Also: meet your old-person self. I try to invent a new word every week — one of them is preflection. To ponder the present through the eyes of your future self. Take an hour in silence to listen to your eighty-year-old self. They might know something you don’t.

11. Fire all your employees.

The employer-employee relationship creates an unhealthy power dynamic between humans that simply didn’t exist when we worked cooperatively to feed our clan or village. I love my work life so much more now that I only work with independent entrepreneurs who are my equals. For me, it’s either a one-man show (my writing business), an equal partnership (my film company), or a co-operative endeavor. Life’s too short to be a boss or be bossed around.

12. Accept that you are a voracious locust of doom.

Nail a roll of paper to the wall and write down everything you consume for a year — food, toilet paper, electricity, car fuel, movies, music, social media content, other people’s time, everything. See what I mean?
Saint Augustine said that the human heart can only fully be satisfied by one thing aside from God himself: everything. All the sex, all the money, all the power, all the possessions, all the glory. All of it. Nothing short of everything could ever fully satiate the human heart. We are wired for more.
Understanding this truth is the first step toward real contentment.

13. Awkward is awesome.

My best friend says that The Office gave society a beautiful gift: the ability to embrace cringe. When you meet someone new and it’s slightly weird, pretend you’re Michael Scott. Just glory and bask in the discomfort.
You can awkward-proof your life by being bold: Ask for discounts. Ask for refunds. Ask for phone numbers. Ask for pay raises. Ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Lather yourself in awkward and pretty soon nothing sticks.

14. Happiness isn’t the purpose of life.

Hitler really was following his bliss by offing millions of Jews. I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer genuinely enjoyed the taste of human flesh. Bernie Madoff seemed content to bilk charities for decades.
Happiness isn’t the purpose of life. It’s not even in the top ten. Happiness is a seasonal fruit, not a foundational root. Find firm and fertile ground.

15. There is no ugly.

My grandpa re-proposed to my grandma on their fiftieth wedding anniversary and called her the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. Old wrinkly grandma? Yes. Because we choose our definition of beauty through our thoughts, disciplines, habits, and patterns, be they conscious or otherwise.

16. We are what we consume.

The statistical average American is a walking bodybag of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, porn, pills, and digital stimulus. Imagine how different life would be if our only inputs were nature, sleep, sunlight, organic food, and embodied human interaction?
Guard your inputs carefully.

17. We’re going to die quite soon.

Make sure you live first. Practicing memento mori will help.

18. Fame is poison.

One in four Gen Zers thinks they’ll be famous by age 25. One in 3.9999999 Gen Zers are going to have a miserably disappointing life.
Why do people desire the attention of strangers? Because we all need to love and be loved, to know and be known, but are too afraid to risk personal heartbreak to seek it out. Attention is not affection. Influence is not intimacy.

19. Boomers are to blame for half our troubles.

The Me Generation took a free ride at the planet’s expense and are hellbent on taking the rest of it with them. They’re statistically low on empathy — blame the lead, asbestos, and hairspray if you must — but at least acknowledge the reality that life is hard for everyone, and no one has it easier.

20. Children are dope.

Kids are the blood transfusion in our sick system. We need to stop manipulating, brainwashing, colonizing, and propagandizing them, and learn from them instead.

21. It doesn’t have to hurt.

Joy is a choice.

22. Watch comedy before calls and meetings.

Five minutes of gut-busting laughter will prime you for even the most tedious conference call. Your co-workers and customers all have tough lives like everybody else, so brighten their day by pre-brightening your own.

23. No ragrets.

Tattoo it on your neck. Most people play it far too safe. Instead: optimize your life for the least number of regrets and the most amount of selfless contribution.

24. There are better ways to vote.

I’ve manned several local voting stations, and I’ve also hob-nobbed with politicians in Canada, America, and the UK. The reality is that they don’t work for us. They work for their corporate sponsors and private interests.
Democracy isn’t dead. It just hasn’t happened yet, with all attempts to date being stillborn or aborted. Democracy = one voice one vote. Athens wasn’t a democracy — women, slaves, and tenants had zero say. America isn’t a democracy either — no representative system is, because it’s far too easy for private interests to buy politicians. The charade of voting is illusory. All elections are sham elections.
So what to do? Vote with your money and time and attention. One sham vote every four years versus tens of thousands of dollar-votes each year? It’s a no-brainer. My wife and I haven’t stepped foot in a Walmart in more than a decade because thousands of its suppliers are based in China, the billionaire heirs are anti-democratic tax-avoiders, and they treat their employees like indentured servants. Vote for pro-democracy third-party candidates if you must — just understand the game, and vote in the ways that actually matter.

25. Everything easy has already been done.

So run a little further.
And if it hasn’t been done, it won’t be as easy as it appears. The question to ask is: what’s been standing in the way this whole time? Achievement is all about knocking down obstacles. Just make sure what’s on the other side is rightly worth the effort.

26. Broccoli still tastes terrible.

But you’re not a child anymore. Adults do hard things.

27. Fixed-order scheduling > fixed-hour scheduling.

Discipline is great, but it’s also subject to the law of diminishing returns. Life is just too dynamic to schedule with military precision. Free yourself from the tyranny of “only people who wake up at 5 AM are successful.”
All hours are not created equal. It depends on your sleep drive and chronotype. Know yourself. Unapologetically get more sleep, then do your best work at your best time in your best state.

28. “Freedom” isn’t freedom.

America wasn’t founded on freedom. America was founded on violent autonomy.
The ancient Greeks had an entirely different definition of freedom: it was the ability to choose the right regardless of circumstance.

“We talk about freedom all the time, but we’ve stopped talking about freedom a long time ago. Now we’re talking about autonomy. Freedom is different than autonomy. Freedom has boundaries. Truth is one of those boundaries. And morality is one of those boundaries. Autonomy is the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want in whatever way you want. The problem is this: If I’m autonomous and another person is autonomous, and I have preferences and those matter more than the truth, and that person has preferences and their preferences matter more than the truth, when two autonomous preference-seeking beings come together and their preferences don’t match, who is going to win? If truth is on the bottom shelf, truth won’t decide. What will decide will be power. And isn’t it ironic that in our quest for “freedom”, someone gets enslaved?” — Abdu Murray

29. The Marines were right: slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

As teenagers, my friend Tyler and I were in a hurry to get somewhere quickly so we drove 120+ miles per hour for forty-five straight minutes before nearly crashing when the speed burned a footlong gash through the tire. By the time we replaced it with a spare, we were late to our destination by more than an hour.
But nevermind driving. Pump the life-brakes sometimes, or at least, let off the gas. You might get there faster, with less wear-and-tear on the engine.

30. The quest for wealth is destroying life.

We’ve commodified land, water, shelter, clothing, art, time, and nearly everything else. Very little remains, and it’s amassing into fewer hands.
We need a shared global vision. My invented word for it is benevitae: the sustainable flourishing of all creation. Our collective goal should be socioenviroeconomic sustainability. Where to start? We’d do well to let biology determine ecological sustainability and real democracy to determine economic fairness. Our current trajectory is worse than the Space Shuttle Challenger.

31. Most “leaders” aren’t leaders.

Celebrities, politicians, and book-hocking business gurus all call themselves leaders. They’re not.
Real leadership is influence that serves. True leaders are selfless and servant-hearted. They put the best interests of others ahead of their own. Politics and media, by comparison, attracts sociopaths like flies to firelight. Never give power to those who seek it. Nearly everyone worth following is dead.

32. Divide-and-conquer is a business model.

Near the end of high school, dozen friends and I binge-watched multiple seasons of LOST in our friend Mike’s basement. It was one of the most hilarious, riotous, enjoyable experiences we had as a group.
And it was the last show we ever watched together.
People used to go to restaurants in large numbers, to the movies by the dozen, climbing over each other for one of the limited video game controllers, packing out our churches, cheering on our sports teams by the busload. We were almost never alone, and we were far happier. Now we order in, watch Netflix, stream Minecraft, catch the highlights, watch porn, and go to bed. It’s killing us.
Resist the urge to be alone. It’s too easy, and it’s the exact opposite of what we really need. The #1 thing that’s correlated to human happiness is human togetherness.

33. Self-improvement won’t save us.

The great lie of individualist-consumerist culture is that we can improve our way to personal perfection and communal utopia. But it’s incrementalism at best.
It’s just chasing infinity.

34. We know nothing +/-.

On the scale of all that is known, and all that is knowable, our individual understanding is essentially mathematically zero. The entirety of human knowledge is a rounding error.
This is the beginning of humility.

35. The sun is not on fire

I was at an observatory in the Davis Mountains in Texas, and it was the first time I’d paid attention to astronomy since grade school. For three decades, I’d wrongly assumed the sun was a giant ball of flames.
But there’s no fire in space because there’s no oxygen in space. (It just looks like fire because of how our eyes perceive light through the atmosphere and prism.) As I stared at the real-time image of the sun on the observatory wall, I nearly wept. The sun actually looks like a giant, boiling, grey brain.
And then it hit me: I have so many assumptions to set aside and so much left to learn. So pay attention. Don’t worship the “question everything” mantra, but instead spend your life seeking truth, and wisdom, and understanding.
You know what you need to do to get where you want to be.

This post is mod-approved and I hope it's helpful.
My name is Jared A. Brock and today is my 35th birthday. It’s been a wild ride: I’ve walked across hot coals, swam up an underground river by candlelight, eaten bull’s testicles, and roasted marshmallows on flowing lava.
I’ve written three books, directed four films, published 400+ articles everywhere from Esquire to The Guardian to TIME Magazine, road-tripped through 45 American states and nine Canadian provinces, helped get some laws changed, and traveled to forty countries including North Korea and the Vatican.
I’ve enjoyed nearly thirteen years of marriage to my seventh-grade sweetheart, and we’ve been blessed to fundraise hundreds of thousands for charity. Though not without tons of mistakes and some major setbacks — financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually — it’s been a pretty decent trip so far.
I’m lucky, blessed, downright spoiled. And even though I certainly don’t claim to be wise in any way, shape, or form, here are 35 things I wish I’d learned far sooner. None of these are rules or commands for you to follow, just personal reflections from a decade of journaling. I hope they save you a lot of time, energy, struggle, and life:

1. “Save the best for last” is terrible advice.

A French monk taught me this one. Every morning, I put on the newest pair of socks in my drawer. Why wear the rattiest pair? When I sit down to eat, I eat the tastiest bits first. Why let them get cold? After every shower, I put on my favorite clean t-shirt. I have a great bottle of 10-year-old Laphroaig scotch in my cupboard, but I probably won’t drink it for months because I received two bottles of reactor-aged Lost Spirits single malt for Christmas.
Why? Because life is hard enough and we aren’t promised tomorrow. This doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and “live in the moment” at all times, but it does mean we should try to find the golden middle and glean a little bit of pleasure from every day we’re blessed to live. “Save the best for last” is poverty-mentality thinking. It expects worse in the future. Enjoy the best right now — in your marriage, parenting, work, travel, faith, friendship, contribution. Keep all the chips on the table. Be ready at all times to leave without regret.

2. Tools use us.

A hammer literally cannot hit a nail without using a human.A saw cannot cut through a board without using a human.A phone cannot deliver ads without using a human.

3. Avoid false dichotomies.

When given two great options, choose both.When given two horrible options, choose neither.

4. Failure is overcome by one word.

“Next.”

5. Give yourself a shove.

The best way to eat more candy and drink more vodka is to leave them side-by-side on the kitchen counter.
You get it. Willpower is useless. Instead, line up a series of little nudges to automatically get you through your day. If you want to work out, leave your shorts by the door or your cleats in your fridge. My blue diode glasses rest on top of my laptop so I have to protect my eyes before logging online. I can’t not see my vitamins when I brush my teeth, or chia seeds when I reach for the Brita. There’s a book beside my bed, toilet, desk, and car’s gear shifter.
Line up enough nudges and you can shove yourself in the right direction.

6. Awkward is awesome.

My best friend says that The Office gave society a beautiful gift: the ability to embrace cringe. When you meet someone new and it’s slightly weird, pretend you’re Michael Scott. Just glory and bask in the discomfort.
You can awkward-proof your life by being bold: Ask for discounts. Ask for refunds. Ask for phone numbers. Ask for pay raises. Ask inappropriate questions at inappropriate times. Lather yourself in awkward and pretty soon nothing sticks.

7. Ambition is ruinous for your happiness.

Most goal-setters (myself included) live much of life in anticipation of tomorrow, and when that day arrives, they’re either disappointed by their failures or underwhelmed by their successes.
Instead: trust the process. Whiskey, pasta, bread, beer, and cereal all require just two ingredients — wheat and water — but the outcome is completely different based on the process. Identity precedes action. Determine what you want to be, then determine the process that will get you there every single time.

8. The Marines were right: slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

As teenagers, my friend Tyler and I were in a hurry to get somewhere quickly so we drove 120+ miles per hour for forty-five straight minutes before nearly crashing when the speed burned a footlong gash through the tire. By the time we replaced it with a spare, we were late to our destination by more than an hour.
But nevermind driving. Pump the life-brakes sometimes, or at least, let off the gas. You might get there faster.

9. Most “leaders” aren’t leaders.

Celebrities, politicians, and book-hocking business gurus all call themselves leaders. They’re not.
Real leadership is influence that serves. True leaders are selfless and servant-hearted. They put the best interests of others ahead of their own. Politics and media, by comparison, attracts sociopaths like flies to firelight. Never give power to those who seek it. Nearly everyone worth following is dead.

10. Old people know better.

Honoring our elders is one of the most underrated practices in our newness-obsessed society. Sure, there are a ton of old crazy far-right conspiracy theorists, but there are also good people who have survived four wars, six recessions, and twelve presidents and are somehow still smiling. Get to know them.
Also: meet your old-person self. I try to invent a new word every week — one of them is preflection. To ponder the present through the eyes of your future self. Take an hour in silence to listen to your eighty-year-old self. They might know something you don’t.

11. Fire all your employees.

The employer-employee relationship creates an unhealthy power dynamic between humans that simply didn’t exist when we worked cooperatively to feed our clan or village. I love my work life so much more now that I only work with independent entrepreneurs who are my equals. For me, it’s either a one-man show (my writing business), an equal partnership (my film company), or a co-operative endeavor. Life’s too short to be a boss or be bossed around.

12. Accept that you are a voracious locust of doom.

Nail a roll of paper to the wall and write down everything you consume for a year — food, toilet paper, electricity, car fuel, movies, music, social media content, other people’s time, everything. See what I mean?
Saint Augustine said that the human heart can only fully be satisfied by one thing aside from God himself: everything. All the sex, all the money, all the power, all the possessions, all the glory. All of it. Nothing short of everything could ever fully satiate the human heart. We are wired for more.
Understanding this truth is the first step toward real contentment.

13. Forget what the market wants.

Listen to your gut. Your body knows the difference between good and great. Someone said you should never record a song or code an app or write an article unless it makes you laugh, cry, or orgasm. If an idea doesn’t move you, it won’t move an audience, no matter how “commercial” you think it is.

14. Happiness isn’t the purpose of life.

Hitler really was following his bliss by offing millions of Jews. I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer genuinely enjoyed the taste of human flesh. Bernie Madoff seemed content to bilk charities for decades.
Happiness isn’t the purpose of life. It’s not even in the top ten. Happiness is a seasonal fruit, not a foundational root. Find firm and fertile ground.

15. There is no ugly.

My grandpa re-proposed to my grandma on their fiftieth wedding anniversary and called her the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. Old wrinkly grandma? Yes. Because we choose our definition of beauty through our thoughts, disciplines, habits, and patterns, be they conscious or otherwise.

16. We are what we consume.

The statistical average American is a walking bodybag of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, porn, pills, and digital stimulus. Imagine how different life would be if our only inputs were nature, sleep, sunlight, organic food, and embodied human interaction?
Guard your inputs carefully.

17. We’re going to die quite soon.

Make sure you live first. Practicing memento mori will help.

18. Fame is poison.

One in four Gen Zers thinks they’ll be famous by age 25. One in 3.9999999 Gen Zers are going to have a miserably disappointing life.
Why do people desire the attention of strangers? Because we all need to love and be loved, to know and be known, but are too afraid to risk personal heartbreak to seek it out. Attention is not affection. Influence is not intimacy.

19. Boomers are to blame for half our troubles.

The Me Generation took a free ride at the planet’s expense and is hellbent on taking the rest of it with them. They’re statistically low on empathy — blame the lead, asbestos, and hairspray if you must — but at least acknowledge the reality that life is hard for everyone, and no one has it easier.

20. Children are dope.

Kids are the blood transfusion in our sick system. We need to stop manipulating, brainwashing, colonizing, and propagandizing them, and learn from them instead.

21. It doesn’t have to hurt.

Joy is a choice.

22. Watch comedy before calls and meetings.

Five minutes of gut-busting laughter will prime you for even the most tedious conference call. Your co-workers and customers all have tough lives like everybody else, so brighten their day by pre-brightening your own.

23. No ragrets.

Tattoo it on your neck. Most people play it far too safe. Instead: optimize your life for the least number of regrets and the most amount of selfless contribution.

24. There are better ways to vote.

I’ve manned several local voting stations, and I’ve also hob-nobbed with politicians in Canada, America, and the UK. The reality is that they don’t work for us. They work for their corporate sponsors and private interests.
Democracy isn’t dead. It just hasn’t happened yet, with all attempts to date being stillborn or aborted. Democracy = one voice one vote. Athens wasn’t a democracy — women, slaves, and tenants had zero say. America isn’t a democracy either — no representative system is, because it’s far too easy for private interests to buy politicians. The charade of voting is illusory. All elections are sham elections.
So what to do? Vote with your money and time and attention. One sham vote every four years versus tens of thousands of dollar-votes each year? It’s a no-brainer. My wife and I haven’t stepped foot in a Walmart in more than a decade because thousands of its suppliers are based in China, the billionaire heirs are anti-democratic tax-avoiders, and they treat their employees like indentured servants. Vote for pro-democracy third-party candidates if you must — just understand the game, and also vote in the ways that actually matter.

25. Everything easy has already been done.

So run a little further. And if it hasn’t been done, it won’t be as easy as it appears. The question to ask is: what’s been standing in the way this whole time? Achievement is all about knocking down obstacles. Just make sure what’s on the other side is rightly worth the effort.

26. Broccoli still tastes terrible.

But you’re not a child anymore. Adults do hard things.

27. Fixed-order scheduling > fixed-hour scheduling.

Discipline is great, but it’s also subject to the law of diminishing returns. Life is just too dynamic to schedule with military precision. Free yourself from the tyranny of “only people who wake up at 5 AM are successful.”
All hours are not created equal. It depends on your sleep drive and chronotype. Know yourself. Unapologetically get some sleep, then do your best work at your best time in your best state.

28. “Freedom” isn’t freedom.

America wasn’t founded on freedom. America was founded on violent autonomy.
The ancient Greeks had an entirely different definition of freedom: it was the ability to choose the right regardless of circumstance.

“We talk about freedom all the time, but we’ve stopped talking about freedom a long time ago. Now we’re talking about autonomy. Freedom is different than autonomy. Freedom has boundaries. Truth is one of those boundaries. And morality is one of those boundaries. Autonomy is the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want in whatever way you want. The problem is this: If I’m autonomous and another person is autonomous, and I have preferences and those matter more than the truth, and that person has preferences and their preferences matter more than the truth, when two autonomous preference-seeking beings come together and their preferences don’t match, who is going to win? If truth is on the bottom shelf, truth won’t decide. What will decide will be power. And isn’t it ironic that in our quest for “freedom”, someone gets enslaved?” — Abdu Murray

29. Grandma didn’t use toilet paper.

She used pages from the Sears catalog. Splinter-free wasn’t available until 1935. The Romans used sponges. The Greeks used clay. Francois Rabelais recommended using “the neck of a goose.” Arabians used their left hand.
Never assume our extremely unique cultural moment is “normal.”

30. The quest for wealth is destroying life.

We need a shared global vision. My invented word for it is benevitae: the sustainable flourishing of all creation. Our collective goal should be socioenviroeconomic sustainability. Where to start? We’d do well to let biology determine ecological sustainability and real democracy to determine economic fairness. Our current trajectory is worse than the Space Shuttle Challenger.

31. Ninety-nine isn’t enough.

Water boils at 100 degrees Celcius. The difference between 99 and 100 is the difference between zero and one. Not-boiling, boiling.
Corollary: 101 doesn’t make it any more boiling.

32. Divide-and-conquer is a business model.

Near the end of high school, dozen friends and I binge-watched multiple seasons of LOST in our friend Mike’s basement. It was one of the most hilarious, riotous, enjoyable experiences we had as a group.
And it was the last show we ever watched together.
People used to go to restaurants in large numbers, to the movies by the dozen, climbing over each other for one of the limited video game controllers, packing out our churches, cheering on our sports teams by the busload. We were almost never alone, and we were far happier. Now we order in, watch Netflix, stream Minecraft, catch the highlights, watch porn, and go to bed. It’s killing us.
Resist the urge to be alone. It’s too easy, and it’s the exact opposite of what we really need. The #1 thing that’s correlated to human happiness is human togetherness.

33. Self-improvement won’t save us.

The great lie of individualist-consumerist culture is that we can improve our way to personal perfection and communal utopia. But it’s incrementalism at best.
It’s just chasing infinity.

34. We know nothing +/-.

On the scale of all that is known, and all that is knowable, our individual understanding is essentially mathematically zero. The entirety of human knowledge is a rounding error.
This is the beginning of humility.

35. The sun is not on fire

This whole list began in Texas. I was at an observatory in the Davis Mountains and it was the first time I’d paid attention to astronomy since grade school. For three decades, I’d wrongly assumed the sun was a giant ball of flames.
But there’s no fire in space because there’s no oxygen in space. It just looks like fire because of how our eyes perceive light through the atmosphere and prism.
As I stared at the real-time image of the sun on the observatory wall, I nearly wept. The sun actually looks like a giant, boiling, grey brain. And then it hit me: I have so many assumptions to set aside and so much left to learn.
So pay attention. Don’t worship the “question everything” mantra, but instead spend your life seeking truth, and wisdom, and understanding.
You know what you need to do to get where you want to be.

Table of contents:

• General Information about Nexo
• Buybacks
• Licenses and regulations
• Interest / Earning with your Crypto assets
• Dividend
• Competitors
• Frequently asked questions
• Important information

General Information about Nexo

What is Nexo?

Nexo delivers the The World’s First Instant Crypto-backed Loans, thus resolving a crucial inefficiency for the crypto world. Up to this very moment, no alternatives existed for digital asset owners to enjoy their crypto wealth except selling them. The innovative model of Nexo brings to the crypto community the best of both worlds - retaining 100% ownership of their digital assets while having immediate access to cash.

What are Instant Crypto-backed Loans?

The Instant Crypto-backed Loans are an automatic, flexible and cost-efficient way of obtaining liquidity that is secured by the value of the client’s digital assets. The whole process is completed in just a few simple clicks. No hidden fees, no capital gains taxes, no credit checks. Transparency is guaranteed through the use of blockchain technology, smart contracts and algorithmic processes executed by the Nexo Oracle.

Notes for US (United States) Customers

• You will not be able to exchange NEXO within the upcoming exchange. This is NOT due to Nexo, but because of the SEC.
• You can receive dividends, but paid in BTC not Nexo (Unless you're an accredited investor, then you can be paid in Nexo).
• It's pretty complicated to purchase Nexo (right now) for US customers.
• You can not receive the additional 2% bonus if choosing to get paid interest in Nexo.

How can I buy NEXO?

Currently, until the Exchange comes out, you will have to use a third-party platform to purchase NEXO. You can use the following:

• Changelly (Via the Nexo app, click on the banner on the homepage, at the top) [Note, very high fees/interest rate, but easy to use]
• Huobi.com (Not available for US customers) Send USDT, BTC, ETH to your Huobi wallet, trade it for Nexo. If you complete KYC you get a $10 fee deduction on trades.
• Uniswap. You have to buy ETH first somewhere and then swap it to Nexo. Good solution for 4 figure exchanges and under, above that, there is too little liquidity.
• Buy BNB from Binance, use Binance DEX to convert BNB to Nexo.
• Bitmart.com exchange.
• Hotbit.io exchange (very low liquidity)
• ChangeNow.io - Swap to NEXO

How is Nexo connected to Credissimo?

Nexo is powered by Credissimo, a leading FinTech Group serving millions of people across Europe for over 10 years. Credissimo has always operated under the highest regulatory requirements and strictest supervision by multiple European Banking and Financial Services Regulators. Now the same Team and its Board of Advisors, empowered by the ever-growing community of Nexo supporters and the enormous demand for the Instant Crypto-backed Loans, are unlocking the value of the digital assets in a rapidly expanding token economy that will alter the very fabric of a $5 trillion dollar market.

Who are the Nexo Founders?

Nexo was founded by the Credissimo team who have been in business for over 10+ years and awarded as one of the top 100 Financial Tech companies in Europe.

What happens when NEXO doesn't have enough cash to loan out?

They can't loan out without raising money, of course. So either they have to loan themselves with better terms, raise money through other means, or steadily process the loans facing a supply drought and customer loss. I could imagine that it would be technically legal for a certain % of the collateral to be sold, just like banks are not required to keep 100% of their customers cash in liquid form, but I have quite frankly no clue how this applies to nexo and crypto assets.

What happens to the deposited BTC/ETH if NEXO fails? Who holds the private keys to them coins?

Since nexo is properly registered in the EU, and given the EU's tendency to protect customers rather than company's, Id honestly assume we would have a novelty court case over this issue, with the expected result that the collateral has to be given back out, if it is still available. But as it often happens in crypto, if the coins are sold illegally its hard to reverse that kind of damage, and its even more tough to access them if they were sent to another wallet. I do not really think that there is a reasonable possibility of this happening without nexo deliberately destroying their business/turning criminal, because of the nature of this business and the contracts, and I would assume that not turning criminal is a much, much more profitable strategy in the long run, because nexo is well positioned to assume dominance in this market for what we know so far.

What happens if people fail to pay back the money, but at the same time the deposited BTC/ETH loose value and are not able to cover the loan amount any more? (With people then realising their collateral is valued at less then the money they have to pay back, thus being incentivised towards defaulting rather than paying back to get their crypto.)

If the collateral does not cover the loan due to falling prices, the loan agreement as far as I know will be automatically terminated, with the collateral held in the nexo account. The customer must either default through the prices not covering the loan amount, or with failure of payback itself, its not really possible that both the customer fails to pay back the money AND the collateral declines in value below the worth of the loan unless the market crashes so spectacularly that the collateral cannot be automatically sold. However the outcome is technically the same, nexo itself does not lose money if the client defaults (unless prices crash faster than nexo is able to sell, or the volume is gone, et cetera., which I think at this point is relatively unreasonable to assume.), and I think the "take a loan -> buy more crypto -> take more loans" scenario is incredibly unreasonable given that you can easily margin-trade with much higher leverage and less trouble than what nexo could loan out to you, so I dont assume loans are being taken for actual crypto investments, I rather think people believe in the collateral assuming value and see it as a locked up investment with extra short term utility

How is NEXO profitable?

Lending is the most profitable crypto market segment. Businesses are now parking their idle cash with crypto lenders. This trickle will soon become a flood. Nexo is arguably the most profitable lender. NEXO made ~$20 mill profit last year, paying a $6mill dividend.

Is Nexo trustworthy?

Considering that the founders of Nexo are some of the same people behind Credissimo an established successful award winning FinTech Group founded in 2007 which is still around gives gives me reassurance that my coins are somewhat safe. At the end of the day we're all taking a risk here. I'd be very surprised if Nexo just runs off with all our money in the process tainting all the work they've put in from Credissimo to here. It is poor that they haven't done much to reassure us that our crypto/money is as secure as they say but they have a track record that seems to speak for itself. Not many other defi platforms can do the same and we are seeing that almost every second day with the hacks occurring in the ecosystem.
There are actual people behind this thing that we can hold accountable. People who have Forbes articles written about them. People who have been on the news. I'm not saying it's still not possible for a security breach but again their track record seems to speak for itself.

What happens to my assets if NEXO goes under?

In the unlikely event that Nexo goes under, yes, your money is gone. There is no insurance in the world that covers something like that I'm afraid. It's the same for Cel, CDC, or any wallet provider.. remember, not your keys not your crypto. There is always a risk.

How can NEXO afford such high interest rates?

Simple, they borrow your money for ~8% and they lend it out for ~11.9% (no loyalty, this used to be 24.9% but I guess they changed it because it made them look like loan-sharks).
The concept behind Nexo is to make Crypto as liquid as possible for clients. Instead of selling crypto you can temporarily supplement it for a small loan.
Their average loan is well above the 5.9% minimum and more people are using the service to borrow rather than lend.
They are profitable, but don't expect the stablecoin interest to remain at 8%-12% long term, it's to attract new customers! Just like Crypto.com did.
One thing to note, the business model is SOLID, but only in a stable or bullish market. If for some reason Crypto market tanks, then it'll be an issue.

What happens if the market crashes?

The Loan-to-Value (i.e. ~50% for BTC and ETH) is dynamically determined by the Nexo Oracle algorithms, depending on the current and historical volatility and market liquidity of the asset. If the assets decrease significantly in value and you do not contribute additional assets to your Nexo Wallet after receiving a warning from the Nexo Oracle, Nexo may initiate small liquidations to cover any insufficiency.

Buybacks

Nexo announced a Buyback, has it been done, how can I track it?

The buyback has started, it seems like they are doing the buyback bit by bit instead of the full amount all at once. They purchase these tokens from the open market, where there is liquidity (Huobi for instance). You can check how many tokens have been bought back so far here: https://etherscan.io/address/0x1C433CBF4777e1f0dCe0374d79aaa8ecDC76B497#tokentxns

License and Regulations

Is NEXO compliant with the SEC?

Yes: https://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgadata/1732097/000173209718000004/xslFormDX01/primary_doc.xml

Could SEC investigate NEXO the same way they did with Ripple (XRP)?

Nexo is registered and compliant with the SEC when they did their ICO (Initial Coin Offering), there is nothing to worry about.

What is NEXO's insurance?

Nexo use BitGo (https://www.bitgo.com/) as their cold storage provider. This includes a $100m policy that covers third-party hacks, theft, loss of keys, etc.
The safety of clients funds is the main priority for Nexo. Cold storage Wallets are provided by BitGo, the leader in digital asset financial services. BitGo Custody carries $100,000,000.00 in insurance protections through a syndicate of underwriters through the Lloyd's, the world’s specialist insurance and reinsurance market. And this premium service comes in at no additional cost (details can be found here and here).
The $100 million policy covers digital assets where the private keys are held 100% by BitGo in the event of:

• Third-party hacks, copying, or theft of private keys
• Insider theft or dishonest acts by BitGo employees or executives
• Loss of keys

Nexo has chosen BitGo as its custodian because BitGo provides 100% cold storage technology in bank-grade Class III vaults and the BitGo platform is SOC 2 Type 2 certified. Advanced authentication mechanisms are employed to ensure the authenticity of data, and assets are distributed geographically and organisationally.
It is the account holders’ responsibility to safeguard their accounts by means including but not limited to using a strong password, enabling two-factor authentication and controlling all login credentials to Nexo. Clients remain owners of the crypto assets placed into Nexo accounts.

Why is their insurance only for $100m if they have $4B+ in assets under management (AUM)?

They don't keep the all of their assets in the one wallet.
Their custodian, BitGo, keeps funds in many smaller wallets - the likelihood of all those wallets being hacked at the same time is something approaching zero.

Is there details on Nexo's bank license?

Not yet, Nexo is not a bank yet, but it's possibly coming soon, as they just switched banks to IBS Lithuania UAB. (Not announced but since Lithuania gave Revolut a bank license it's very possible!)

What does an ISO/IEC 27001 certificate mean?

Nexo’s information security management system (ISMS) has been successfully audited by CISQ, a member of IQNet and the world’s largest provider of management system certification, and by RINA, who have decades of experience in certifications, ensuing in an ISO/IEC 27001 compliance certificate. This guarantees that Nexo's security infrastructure is of the highest standard and carries minimal risk to clients and investors thanks to rigorous security policies, impeccable risk assessment, data protection, and state-of-the-art cybersecurity.
Nexo’s ISO/IEC 27001 certificate was issued to it's Estonian entity, the subject of this certification is Nexo’s information security management system, rather than a specific registered entity. As such, it is irrelevant which Nexo entity the certificate was granted to.
Please also note that information provided on www.nexo.io is valid for all Nexo services and operations, as the aggregate of companies within the Nexo group. These include entities registered across the globe, all of which are fully compliant with local regulations.

Licenses and links

License: https://www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org/EntityDetails.aspx/COMPANY/1898755
License: https://mtr.mkm.ee/juriidiline_isik/236278/valjavoteEdit?tulemus=Tegevusluba
SEC: https://www.sec.gov/Archives/edgadata/1732097/000173209718000004/xslFormDX01/primary_doc.xml
Estonia's Business Register: https://www.teatmik.ee/en/personlegal/14520507-Nexo-Services-O%C3%9C
Estonia Approval (Allows operations to all non-estonians): https://www.fi.ee/sites/default/files/2019-03/20190304%20Hoiatusteade%20Nexo.pdf

Interest / Earning with your Crypto assets

I transferred my assets yesterday and have not gotten any interest yet???

You get your first interest payout the day AFTER you deposit. This is normal, to avoid people cheating the system.

I am not getting my 10% interest!

It may not be clearly explained within the app, but in order to get the full potential for rates, you need to max your loyalty level as well as get paid in Nexo. Depending on how much NEXO is part of your portfolio, your loyalty level changes, so to achieve Platinum, you must have at least 10% of your crypto portolfio in NEXO. The bonuses for each level are as follows:

• Base = 5%* on Crypto, 8% on Fiat/Stablecoins
  
• Silver (1-5%) = 5.25% on Crypto, 8.25% on Fiat/Stablecoins
  
• Gold (5-10%) = 5.5% on Crypto, 9% on Fiat/Stablecoins
  
• Platinum (>10%) = 6% on Crypto, 10% on Fiat/Stablecoins
  

Crypto = BTC, Etherium, etc.
Stablecoins = USDC, Tether, etc. Fiat = Euro, GBP.
They get converted to their equivalent stable coin after depositing!
All % are PER YEAR NOT DAILY OR MONTHLY.
Remember, you get paid extra if you decide to receive interest in NEXO and not in-kind (same asset, so BTC to BTC for instance). This bonus is not available for US customers.

Example of interest earned:

Assuming you have 1 BTC in your Savings Wallet on NEXO, you would accumulate 5% per year if you do not hold any Nexo as well. 6% if you hold 10% worth of a BTC as Nexo in your account.
And additionally 2% more if you choose to receive the interest in Nexo and not BTC, so then it would be 7 or 8%, but this is not available for US customers.

I am not getting my 7% every day?!!!

Just like pretty much everything in this world, interest is shown PER YEAR. This means, you get 7% per year, not per day. ANY company, regardless if it's crypto or not, that tells you you can even make 1% back per day, is a ponzi / scam (unsustainable business).

How do I calculate what I should get % per day?

Simplified, and not 100% accurate, but very close, you should take the spot price of the asset at the moment of daily payout, multiply it by your loyalty / bonus level, and divide it by 365.
A more advanced, accurate calculation would be as follows (thanks to masashi_t):
Example: BTC interest is 6% in-kind and 8% in NEXO.
If you choose to earn in-kind, take into account of compounding interest, it would give you [(1+0.06)1/365-1]*100 = 0.0159% per day, or 6% APY
If you want to earn in NEXO instead, you will get (0.08/365)*100 = 0.022% per day, or 8% APR.
BTC and NEXO are both appreciating assets, you are free to pick which one you think will give you a better return in the future.

Small note regarding compounding interest:

The daily interest rate you receive for the like-kind reward already takes into account the fact it compounds to end with the stated annual interest rate. The interest rate you see for like-kind reward only is achieved if you keep it for 365 days. If you keep it for a lesser time, you actually get a lower interest rate.
I am not sure why this isn't mentioned in the app, as far as I know.

I am not getting back interest on my NEXO assets?

You do not get interest on NEXO token assets you hold in NEXO. Instead, you get dividends. Nexo give out 30% of their profits back to their customers that hold nexo tokens. Read this article for more information.

Do my assets on Nexo get locked-up / stake period?

NO! Unlike, CDC Crypto.com, you do not need to lock in your assets with Nexo, you can withdraw them at any time.

Do I get interest on my collateral?

Any assets in your Credit wallet do not get any interest, so you can not borrow 0.5BTC with 1BTC as collateral and make interest on the 1BTC at the same time. The only asset that "technically" makes % while being in the Credit wallet is Nexo tokens, where you get dividends regardless of which wallet the tokens are in.

Dividend

What is a dividend?

To "reward" loyal customers who support the project and Nexo token itself, Nexo have decided to do (yearly*) dividends, this means they give 30% of the benefits (profits) the company earned since the last dividend back to the nexo holders. Based on how many tokens you have and knowing there is currently a fixed supply of 560 millions tokens you can calculate what % you should get. Furthermore, they have an extra "bonus" for those who have held onto the tokens for a long time. This bonus is small, but it helps differentiate those who are holders and those who purchase nexo tokens before a dividend to cash in. Read the question below about frequency.

How regular are dividends, when is the next one?

So far, dividends have been yearly, in August. There have been mentions from Nexo that they'd like to do it more regularly. As any business/stock that do dividends, the price of the token/stock decreases drastically after dividend payout. Do not be alarmed.

Do US customers get dividends?

Yes, but paid out in BTC. EDIT: Apparently, you can receive it in NEXO as well, but you must be an accredited investor. Read this

Do I need to verify/kyc to receive dividend for my NEXO tokens?

Yes, advanced verification is necessary.

Where do I need to hold NEXO Tokens, in order to receive dividends?

NEXO Tokens must be held/staked in your Nexo account (doesn't matter if it's in the Credit or Savings Wallet) at the ex-dividend date. The ex-dividend date will be communicated in advance.

Competitors

CELSIUS vs NEXO

Summarized: Celsius do a much better job at engaging with their customers, and their token CEL has performed better than NEXO, however, NEXO appears much more professional (imo of course), by taking things slowly but surely. Everything works perfectly, everything is tested, no downtimes, no trash-talking by the employees. CEL at this point seems like a cult, Nexo seems like a business.

Why is CEL so high compared to NEXO?

Visibility, marketing? Various reasons. IMO looking at their trading volume, its VERY low. If even a small-sized whale decided to sell their bags, it would crash. Basically, it's artificially inflated due to low liquidity.
Also keep in mind, Coinmarketcap and Coingecko show incorrect Market Cap data for Celsius. You can see the real value by visiting the Celsius website. It will crash soon, and hard. Again, my opinion.

Frequently asked questions:

Are there any airdrops/giveaways/freebies?

No. There are currently no giveaways. If you get contacted via Facebook, Twitter, Telegram or anywhere else, it's a scam. The only "giveaway" that is currently running is the fact that you can win 100k Nexo tokens for voting for which coin should be added next to the platform (You can do this via the app, on the home screen, scroll the top banners to the right until you find the one about voting.)

When will the Card (Crypto Credit Card) be released?

There are no official announcements yet, but all we know that is it currently in a private beta. A select few European (non UK) customers have been given cards to test the upcoming platform.

When will the Exchange be released (Buying and selling crypto within the Nexo app/webapp)?

Just like the card, there is no official news yet. All we know that there are a select few IOS users who have been given early access to test the functionality of this exchange. Currently, users are reporting a 1.5%~ spread on the exchange, which is quite high.

How long does Verification/KYC take?

Generally, it takes about 2 business days, although lately with the increase of users signing up it can take a big longer. If you don't hear back after a week I'd suggest contacting their support.

Support is not answering my emails?

One tip is to go on their website, open the live chat and type in "speak with human" "talk to agent" "human" to get transferred to a real person.

Are deposits and withdrawals free?

Yes, withdrawals are completely free, although deposits depend on which exchange you use to send your assets to Nexo with.

Difference between CREDIT and SAVINGS wallets

You must take into account that you have TWO wallets per asset within the Nexo platform. One for SAVINGS, which will give you interest on any assets you hold in it, and one for CREDIT which is basically your collateral, which you use for taking out crypto-backed loans.

Will Brexit affect UK customers?

There is no official information so far.

Does NEXO have a bonus/referral system?

No, you can not get $ or bonus for referring other users right now. The only thing you can do is share a link to the CARD page, to increase your position in the waiting list.

When are payouts made?

Usually around 12:00AM UTC, daily!

What coins are accepted as collateral?

BTC, ETH, XRP, LTC, XLM, BCH, EOS, LINK, TRX, stablecoins, PAXG, NEXO and BNB. More information

What is Collateral?

Collateral is crypto assets you would put up for a loan (if you don't repay they will sell it to cover the default). You do not earn interest on crypto that you use as collateral. If you are not borrowing from Nexo then your funds are held in a "savings wallet" where it can earn interest until it is either moved off the platform or used as collateral on a loan.
Nexo tokens do not earn interest the same way as other tokens, but do provide dividends from the profits of the company.

What are the loan-to-value (LTV) rates?

A Loan-to-Value (LTV) ratio is an indicator representing the size of a loan compared to the value of the assets securing the loan.
The Loan-to-Value percentages of each asset are dynamically determined by the Nexo blockchain oracle algorithms, depending on the current and historical volatility and market liquidity of the asset.
More info

How many confirmations does my transfer need?

• BTC deposit require a minimum of 6 confirmations
• All ERC20 deposits (ETH, PAXG, NEXO, USDT, TUSD, USDC, PAX, DAI) require 50 confirmations
• LINK deposits require 40 confirmations
• XRP (Ripple), XLM (Stellar), BNB, NEXO BEP2 and EOS - near-instant
• BCH deposit requires 16 confirmations
• LTC deposit requires 6 confirmations
• TRX (Tron) deposit requires 20 confirmations

How can I find a list of important announcements, information?

https://support.nexo.io/hc/en-us/sections/360002501674-News-and-Updates-2020
On the sidebar, you can go back to 2018.

When will NEXO be listed on Coinbase?

It's very unlikely, because they are considered competitors. Furthermore, Nexo token is very clearly a security, based of the dividend payments and now the buyback program, these big exchanges aren't licensed to deal in securities, hence they will not list Nexo.

Will the (possible) upcoming bill regarding regulating self-hosted assets affect US NEXO customers?

No, Nexo is not self hosted. BitGo is their custodian.

How often does NEXO add new coins?

Not regularly at all.

Can NEXO be mined?

There is a fixed circulating supply of Nexo, the remainder the Team have said are locked until TBA.
So there isn't a dilution, as there are no new Nexo created - the dividend paid in Nexo needs to be bought from existing circulating supply by the company in order to be paid to holders.

Important information

NEXO's Roadmap?

• Banking license: Nexo is trying to either acquire a company or get their own banking license (like Revolut and Monzo) so they have more flexibility in their operations. It would be a huge step for a crypto company to get this and shows their ambition
  
• Credit Card: This will be similar to CDC and they'll offer generous cash back incentives of 2% when you get your credit card.
  
• Referral Scheme: Currently Nexo has done this massive growth without incentivised referrals, and when they turn this tap the company can likely see a lot of users pouring in for their great savings rates and crypto credit lines. But take a moment to think.. who do you trust more, a company that acquirers users based on their services/product, or a company that gives out bonuses to those who promote/spam their product..
  
• Exchanges and more Coins: The ability to exchange crypto within the eco system will go a long way to keeping users within the system. The plan is to let users buy and stake virtually any legitimate crypto asset.
  

And with this massive roadmap, the core principle they started with by sharing back with the community, they keep everyone's incentives aligned.

Where can I view statistics and information about Nexo?

https://nexologist.com/
https://nexostatistics.com/
https://www.hodlfire.com/go/hf-sheet/

How can I compare the earn rate of Nexo vs BlockFi/Cel/CDC/...?

https://blockscompare.com/

Important reads:

Liquidations: https://medium.com/nexo/why-liquidations-are-needed-and-how-they-protect-us-all-9d426ac70dc2
AMA from the Co-founder Antoni Trenchev: https://youtu.be/LBTrd8C5n1c
Nexo Help Center: https://support.nexo.io/hc/en-us/categories/360000766354-Nexo-Help-Center
Whitepaper: https://nexo.io/assets/downloads/Nexo-Whitepaper.pdf

Telegram Communities

Official Telegram
NEXOnians
NEXOnews
NEXOstatistics

Small thanks?

Took me quite a while to gather and write all of these if something is missing please let me know! Feel free to get me a beer if you'd like :)
(NEXO): 0xa6a87d29c362d63df60cf7667cacdfe411ee30e0

I posted about being ghosted by my ex earlier today. I’ve put together some of the best resources and wisdom that I found on that lonely journey. Sorry it’s really long, but hope maybe bits of it help someone desperately searching for answers in the silence! x
TLDR: if you get ghosted, unless you’re violent or abusive it is a THEM thing, not you. Here are some insights that may help. The only (& most powerful) thing you can do is NC! DO NOT continually reach out.
Not texting someone back after one date is rude, but ghosting in a relationship is other level. Here are the key insights I discovered when it happened to me:
FIRSTLY

• The pain you’re feeling is valid. You’re not weak or crazy, it hurts BADLY. Some say it's a form of emotional punishment/torture. You can only control your actions. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let tears flow if you need to.
• As soon as it becomes apparent you’re being ghosted go NC. If you have been repeatedly reaching out, STOP it immediately. Forgive yourself if you cave at some point, try not to do it again.

HOPE / DISBELIEF

• You are still really HOPING initially that this is all a mistake and they’ll be in touch soon. With each passing day, hope turns toward despair. When the 1 week mark comes and goes, you are bewildered.
• With each small milestone you get a glimmer of hope: 'two weeks today since I heard anything, maybe today they'll reply' ... 'we had planned to be seeing each other today, surely they'll call' ... it's like a fresh dagger to the chest every time. You know they know. Yet silence.
• On some level you start to realise that if they came back now, and you took them back, that you wouldn’t be able to look yourself in the eye because what they’ve done is so disrespectful. But you still get those bursts of hope even though you try to be rational.

YOUR FEELINGS

• You are going through the stages of grieving a loss, with a bonus extra portion of denial. You get all the pain of rejection you get from having been dumped, but wait, have you actually been dumped or not? Is this just the silent treatment, or is it like silence forever?
• The lack of closure leads to feelings of abandoned. You feel disposable. Online articles say 'no answer is an answer' but frankly, I beg to differ, no it's not. Ok, you know you're not wanted, but they have left you in suspended animation.
• Breaking up is never fun, but ghosting further wastes your precious time by delaying your healing.
• You have all the symptoms of heartbreak, which also manifests as a physical pain, by the way - take a paracetamol (genuinely) and some CBD oil if that's your bag.
• You're suddenly deprived of the source of your happy hormones: their love, touch, texts. I suggest reading up on the chemical process that occurs in our bodies after a break up, and also about love addiction in case this applies to you. This article may help explain.
• How sudden this was adds to the pain. You probably feel blindsided. Maybe you had a minor disagreement, or maybe they just disappeared. Regardless of what precipitated it, you never imagined that that would have been the last time you’d hear from them. Never knew that had been the last kiss ..

REALITY CHECK

• You convince yourself that if they just came back, it’d stop the pain, you could just hug and make up. You crave this. Why don’t they want that?
• Now, listen: if they did come back, they will not be the same person that left. They will not be the same person they were in the beginning either. The second they chose to ghost you, the relationship irrevocably changed. That old version of them is gone now.
• For whatever reason, their mask has fallen. That is hard to accept, but: 'when someone shows you who they are - believe them’ - Maya Angelou.

WAS ANY OF IT REAL?

• Now this does not mean that your nice memories of them are false or that you didn’t share lovely times with them, in fact, I’m sure you did. People will say 'if they ghost you they were secretly really unhappy' and you may question whether they ever 'loved/cared/enjoyed you' at all or if they faked every second.
• The truth usually resides somewhere in the middle of the extremes.
• I'm sure they enjoyed themselves, a flake like them wouldn't have stuck around so long if they were getting no pleasure. However, something flipped for them internally. Maybe it was a culmination of small things, or one big unknown thing, we will never know. Even if they did speak to you again they probably wouldn't be honest. Maybe they aren't even capable of articulating it.
• Old them is a memory now though. They left you for dead, and you need to leave your fond perception of 'old them' (pre-ghosting) for dead too - grieve it. Old them is not coming back.

LET THE LACK OF HUMANITY SINK IN

• You used to share with them your happy news, they were also a sounding board? Not anymore. As with any ex, the source of your pain cannot be your source of comfort.
• They've let you know you're alone in this. Do yourself a favour and do not even message them to ask them for that bracelet you left at their place back. It will not illicit a response. They have wilfully noped out on all levels with no explanation.
• I had this epiphany at a certain point, up until the day before the ghosting, we were sleeping together: imagine I'd found out I was pregnant and I literally have no way of contacting him, simply because he's ignoring me. He doesn't give a damn about my health. Let that sink in. They can be tapping that one day, dust the next, no Fs given for your wellbeing.
• ​

WHY DO GHOSTERS GHOST?

• What goes on in their mind when they choose to do this? Because make no mistake, it is a conscious choice. Just like NC is for us. They chose that line.
• Don’t they care how much this is hurting us? I would never leave a loved one hanging like this, so why would they do it to me? Taking responsibility for anything (other than their own selfish needs and desires) is not part of a ghoster's vernacular. They are cowardly too. Their sole modus operandi is their own comfort so if that means chucking you in the bin to avoid an awkward conversation, so be it.
• I read posts that said stuff like: ‘if a person cares they’d be in touch, he’s just not that into you’. I had been asking myself if he was truly indifferent about me - but how could that be, when that very morning pre-ghosting things had been good.
• Did I really never mean anything to him? To be able to brush me off like a piece of dust on his arm. It was unbearable to think my cuddly, sweet, intelligent man, who days before was massaging my feet while we chilled on the couch just ‘didn’t give a damn’ and 'wasn't into me'.
• Humans are complex, the psychology of a ghoster is not as simple as: 'don't care, what's their name again?' Perhaps it is when ghosting after a single date, or if just texting on a dating app with someone having never even met. But for those of us that get ghosted in the context of a relationship, after there's been lots of tiny (and big) intimate moments, it's fair to assume that the majority of ghosters DO feel. Give yourself some credit.
• In fact, it's likely their inability to manage and communicate whatever big feelings they are experiencing that leads to them ghosting. It may appear like their memory has been wiped, and they may indeed be adept at shutting down and compartmentalising, but they haven't forgotten your name or how good you smelled.
• To be clear, I am not trying to suggesting ghosters deserve compassion. I am saying this for you, the ghostee, to validate YOUR worth and impact.

DON'T SELF-BLAME

• I came to the conclusion that MY behaviour must have been so bad that I’d scared him in some way. I was so cut up. I had him on the pedestal - that old classic.
• I actually reached out to my ghoster to APOLOGISE and take the blame. I thought he'd come back to me if I took full responsibility (I truly believed I deserved it by this point).
• Turns out it wasn’t my fault... you can read my post about my ghosting experience if you’re curious, but suffice to say, the phone call may have precipitated the ghosting, but it wasn’t because I’d acted inappropriately - say it with me: THIS IS THEM, NOT YOU.
• Also, my apology message did not prompt him to contact me - he let me sit with the guilt he knew I was needlessly feeling. He could have set me free, but no. It probably gave him an ego boost, which I'm sure he enjoyed. At the least, it didn't make him uncomfortable enough to break his silence. When he eventually breadcrumbed me yesterday, he did apologise but he didn’t take full responsibility either.

WHAT TO DO?!

• Should I turn up at their door? I say this slightly tongue in cheek, but my god the thought crossed my mind so many times.
• I have a new level of sympathy for the ‘crazy’ things people do when heartbroken. At one point, I had to talk myself out of doing a drive by of his place, I was telling myself it would make me feel better. That I was 'worried' something bad had happened to him (I knew it hadn’t and he was online on WhatsApp a lot, yes I kept checking..)

CONFRONTING A GHOSTER - WHY NOT TO

• Remember the way they used to look at you and smile? That is NOT the look they will give you, if you have turned up uninvited.
• Don’t kid yourself they’d be pleased to see you, or receptive in any way. Their ghosting is not accidental. Save yourself that further heartache and embarrassment. It actually is better for the last visual memory of their face to be that last smile.
• There’s a good chance if you did go to confront them that they’d react like a hunted animal, retreat further or lash out. If they don’t threaten to call the police (not cute), they will probably get REALLY angry.
• Don’t convince yourself that they would never do that, because frankly, if they are capable of ghosting you, then they have a lot more simmering away in that brain of theirs than you knew about, whether you care to admit it or not.
• They have asked you (through their silence) for space - grant them their wish and go quietly. Disappear from their life and leave them with memories of all your goodness, not begging or insults, that do not show your best self. You owe this to yourself. This is not for them, it’s for you.
• They don’t want to be persuaded out of their decision to throw your love away. If you need to convince them of how great it was - I’m sorry, but it didn’t have a stable foundation.
• I am not saying for a second that you both didn’t have amazing chemistry. I’m not saying they weren’t loving, or that they didn’t enjoy their time with you. My ex deserves an Oscar for his performance of loving and caring bf right up until the point of ghosting.

CLOSURE

• Do not kid yourself that they can give you ‘closure’. We WISH they would, there’s a million ways they could, things they could say: but they are withholding that from you. Ghosters are withholders.
• You need to soothe yourself and I promise you can. It might not be a 'eureka' closure moment, in fact it probably won't be. I've had very dark thoughts and moments on this horrible journey but each day I get a bit better. You can do all sorts of symbolic things to help you process, there are lots of posts and articles on this. But only time will truly bring acceptance.

GHOSTERS ARE NOT THE FULL EMOTIONAL SHILLING

• The ghosting was not caused by something that was lacking in the relationship on your side, or something you could have given them. Yes, there is a missing piece, but it is within their heart and mind.
• Ghosting behaviour is symptomatic of them being broken / limited / stunted in their emotional intelligence or resources, which is actually pretty sad really. The only one that could heal them is THEM, by the way. Rarely they truly just are a bad, rotten egg, plain and simple.
• At this point the ghoster probably hasn’t even identified that they have an issue. If someone was receptive and willing to work on themselves, then that’s different. But some people will NEVER get to this point - so do not waste your love by sitting in their metaphorical waiting room hoping for them to have that epiphany.
• Whatever you do, don’t waste your time trying to educate them on your perception of their issues/the error of their ways. You might be bang on the money but you’re wasting your time and you’ll be met with more deafening silence.

GHOSTERS ARE FICKLE

• The ghoster has shown that they are a fair-weather friend. Imagine, down the line once you were yet more invested in them, if you got seriously sick, suffered a bereavement, lost your job, or became vulnerable, and had to rely on them in any way, and they freaking ghosted at that point? You deserve a person with broad enough shoulders to be in it with you 100%.
• Most people with traits that allow them to relationship ghost will never be ‘fully in it' with any person, so DO NOT do that mental gymnastics that equates them not being committed to your relationship with any reflection of a shortcoming on your personality/looks/behaviour etc.
• Some ghosters are just selfish, maybe they simply changed their mind and don't have the skills to be able to communicate that. Maybe they don't even know why. And sometimes the truth is so painful, it is better not shared (or so they convince themselves).
• It's not appropriate to rush to put labels on people, but on rare occasions maybe they do have narcissistic traits or are actually sociopaths. In which case you had a lucky escape, my friend. They went quietly (silently in fact lol).
• Your ghoster may have an avoidant attachment style. They may be emotionally unavailable even though they seemed incredibly loving. Perhaps they have a fear of commitment thrown in there too. They are possibly severely averse to conflict and go into 'shut down' when faced with conflict. This is an excellent resource to learn more.
• It is NOT your job to fix or educate the ghoster (or anyone) about themself. If it helps you to contextualise things by reading for your own education and awareness, it is a great idea, but don't share your ponderings on your ghoster’s psyche with them.

DESTINY MINDSET

• Some articles say that ghosters more often have a ‘destiny’ mindset as opposed to a growth mindset about relationships. If they believe in ‘the one’ and have ‘grass is greener syndrome’ too it could explain partly how they can just cut people off like that.
• People will these attributes will struggle to find contentment in a relationship. We all know there is no such thing as perfect. They keep fulfilling their own prophecy.
• According to this logic, the ghoster may have been secretly 'testing' you all along, and you didn’t know it. You might have unknowingly not been measuring up to some abstract idea they had in their mind, but they did not share this with you nor try to communicate to rectify it. You were never gonna win this one, because they aren’t playing fair. They were working to corroborate their own repeating narrative.
• If you didn't even know you were on trial, or that you’ve caused offence, how could you possibly even try to fix it.

NO COMMUNICATION SKILLS

• Ghosters have very poor communication skills. They could have come across as articulate, they might be highly educated, successful, able to verbalise plenty of loving feelings and have friends etc. But they have a deficit when it comes to their emotional communication.
• Respectful disagreements in relationships are healthy and should not END a relationship. Think back, was your ghoster a bit of a ‘yes man’ ?
• Were you able to have healthy and robust discussions about issues where your opinions diverged and you compromised? If not, this might be because they don’t have those emotional tools.

RUMINATING

• I read a lot of articles that say things like 'stop ruminating', 'move on'. But your brain needs to go through it's process. The silence leaves you with only the echo chamber of your mind and you will find your own way to cope. Yes, you can distract yourself, but it's unrealistic to expect that everyone can just 'snap out' of it.
• It's natural to puzzle, and think through the relationship, allow yourself to do it. This is a truly excellent article, what really stuck with me was the advice to run back through the relationship like a playbook, in your mind, pay attention, don't miss anything. Were there red flags? Even if you didn't notice them at the time, there might have been intuition moments that you dismissed, that you can identify if you take your time to reflect. What can you learn?
• This is about you healing and about you making healthier choices in the future. What happened is not your fault, but we need to level up.

IF THE GHOSTER REACHES OUT

• If they do eventually reach out, which they may not ever do (prepare yourself for that), you will be flooded by emotions. Pause for breath, minimum 24 hours, if you can bear it. Ideally stick to NC but if you must reply, keep it brief. Keep in mind that this is likely to be the last ever time you hear from them, they are a ghost after all.
• DO NOT prove them right (in their warped mind) by using this as a chance to blame/question them or give them a row. Frankly, what’s the point? They aren’t thinking of your feelings, they don't want your insight. They know they've been a toad. They haven’t cared enough about your feelings all along.
• A ghost reaching out (similar to any ex) is all about them, not about genuine concern for you - their ego, their conscience, maybe idle curiosity, maybe they got dumped by their side chick. They haven't suddenly realised what they've done and come to their senses.
• You remain dignified, you wish them well and you send them on their way. I repeat, in a brief message. No more than a couple of sentences. I don't care if they sent you a wall of text - they get bare minimum, if anything.
• If they’ve come back apologising you ‘accept it, wish you well. bye’. If you feel you want to, and if you feel they deserve it (they probably do NOT), throw in a ‘thanks for the nice times we shared’. You are the bigger person.
• You may be seething, but do not give them any access to your inner sanctum, that door is shut and locked to them. This is a long game, my friend, and the best revenge is your success and composure.
• You can sob and scream privately, but do not feed their ego by revealing your suffering to them.
• Being dignified, or better still not responding at all, will drive them more nuts/ intrigue them more than any wall of text. Plus, if you give an explosive/desperate response, you validate whatever (pathetic) ‘reasons’ they concocted for ghosting you in the first place .. and they’ll just ghost you again anyway!

You are loveable and you deserve an enduring love.

Best wishes and good luck.

Section 0: Background
Hi everyone! I’m trying to tailor this a bit more to reflect the UK Money Diary style where I give context on the week before and reflect on it after. I also added in some of the questions from the recent thread about what Refinery29 should ask diarists (see here).
I wrote this the week of Thanksgiving; my partner and I stayed in NYC instead of going home to either of our parents’ homes. We wear masks and stay socially distant when we leave the house. I’m thankful that we live close to a park and live on a block where we know and enjoy talking to our neighbors.
This was a relatively normal week for us during a pandemic, save for me spending a bit more than normal and it being Thanksgiving. We’ve both lived in the city since college and have so-so relationships with our families, so we didn’t leave for “home” when the pandemic hit.
I also just named my boyfriend instead of giving him an initial. He’s the only person I actually saw this week, but the initials always throw me off when I read these.
What do money and success mean to you? What are your end goals?
It helps me to see money as a tool. I never resonate with people who say “money doesn’t buy happiness” because to a certain degree, it does. Money enables me to live the life I want.
I’m pursuing FIRE (financial independence, retire early) and hope to be financially independent (able to live off my investments) by my early 30s. To do so, I save 60%+ of my income per month. I want this because working for 40 years isn’t sustainable for me—I have a very cushy tech job and still get anxiety and rage about waking up every morning to work, the rat race, and being paid inequitably to male peers. I’d like to give myself the option to leave this world as soon as possible.
As an alternative, I could see myself successful if I open a product consultancy, where I advise early-stage startups on product management, what to build for their MVP, and product-market fit. I’m really interested in tech ethics and the questionable practices in venture capital, so I’d love to be in a place where I could be picky about what clients I take and help truly mission-driven businesses thrive. I could see this also working as a small business incubator—why not apply what works in startups to small businesses?
I don’t yet have a firm picture of what I’d like my life to look like when I retire. I’m interested in spending a lot of time reading, traveling to new places for extended periods of time, and potentially writing a book. I get extremely interested in niche topics. Right now if I had to guess, I’d be writing a book about the ways multi-level marketing companies (MLMs) manipulate women.
Are you a spender or a saver?
Definitely a saver. My partner is more of a spender, and we’ve influenced each other well. Seeing him spend money on himself for video games helps me realize I can spend more money on myself for things I just want (see my big purchase for myself this week).
In turn, seeing me save a lot of money has motivated him to up his 401k contribution and overall savings. He’s also interested in FIRE, although I’d say my timeline is more aggressive.
If you could go back in time, what's the one piece of financial advice you would give to your past self?
Learn about investing, look up the terms you don’t know, and start doing it as soon as possible. Ask questions to people you know or on the internet.
On to the diary!
​
Section One: Assets and Debt
Investment Balance
$131,175

• Retirement (includes 2 company 401ks and 1 rollover IRA): $55,730
• Brokerage: $27,233
• Roth IRA: $25,439
• Managed account: $17,923
• HSA: $4,850

Equity if you're a homeowner
N/A, I rent in a HCOL city. No plans to own anytime soon
Savings account balance
$10,270
Checking account balance
$3,433 in checking account for bills

• This fluctuates, but I try to invest anything over $2k. I’m pretty conservative with my checking account buffer, and don’t worry much about the interest I’m “losing,” especially because interest rates are so low right now

$2,518 in checking account for rent

• I keep a holdover account that’s connected to Venmo and Zelle to pay rent

Credit card debt
N/A. There’s $1,348 currently on my credit cards, but I pay them all off in full each month. My parents signed me up for a credit card as soon as I was old enough and taught me about how important it was to pay in full. In fact, I think this was so hammered into my brain that doing anything other than that each month was never an option. Because of this, I’ve always thought of credit cards as similar to debit cards—only spend money you have.
Student loan debt (for what degree)
I was fortunate to go to college on a full scholarship, including living expenses. I studied psychology and sociology, and I graduated without any student loan debt.
​
Section Two: Income
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $6,570/month
I maxed out my 401k early this year, so for 8 months I was contributing $2,500/month out of my paychecks. That ended in September, so it changed my monthly take-home from about $4,650 to $6,570/month.
Deductions:

• 401k: $0/month (was $2,500/month)
• Medical: $128/month
• Dental and vision: $11/month

Income Progression

• I started in customer support right out of college, making $40,000/year + overtime, which ended up being about $52,000/year (thanks OT!).
• About a year later, I moved into an entry-level product role at the same company and received a raise to $60,000/year.
• The next year, I moved to a new company for a half-step promotion where I was making $82,000/year + 15% yearly bonus. The bonus was dependable enough that it was assumed as part of our total compensation, so let’s call it $95,000/year.
• Early this year, I switched companies again (noticing a theme?) for a promotion and now make $122,000/year.

I don’t have any other sources of income outside my main job. My partner makes a similar amount to me—about $117,000/year with bonus.
​
Section Three: Expenses
I live with my partner and we don’t have combined finances, but split many expenses 50/50. We use Splitwise to log transactions. He’s more laid-back about being paid back, but I’m much more “I don’t want to owe anyone anything, and I don’t want anyone to owe me anything” (I know, rigid, but I’m working on it!).
Splitwise is nice because it’d be ridiculous to Venmo request each other for a $4 coffee, but we can see how expenses are adding up. If someone has racked up a few hundred dollars of spending for both of us, the other person will cover our expenses for awhile. It works for us!
Rent
$2,200 for a 2 bed, 1 bath apartment in Brooklyn. We split rent 50/50.
Renters insurance
About $7/month for my portion. This covers all our possessions plus my boyfriend’s watches. He pays 75% of it because half of the monthly cost comes from the extra watch overage.
Savings contribution
I try to have about $10,000 sitting in my savings account at any given time, because it makes me feel safe in case of an emergency. I also like the freedom it enables, in case I wanted to leave my job and take a significant amount of time off. This is already at the $10k I want, so I don’t contribute to it monthly.
Investment contribution
It varies but on average I contribute $2,500/month to my brokerage account and Roth IRA (combined).
Donations
I try to donate about $200/month, but it’s pretty sporadic. This month I donated to the Yellowhammer Fund and Northwest Abortion Access Fund. One of my major goals for 2021 is to step up my donations and create an actual strategy around them, potentially involving a donor-advised fund.
Gas/electric
Our gas is $20-25/month and electric is $50/month. I pay gas and Will pays electric, both go in Splitwise. About $37/month total for me.
Wifi
Our wifi is $60/month, which goes into Splitwise—I pay $30/month.
Cellphone
I’m still on my parents’ phone plan—sheesh! This is convincing me that I should Venmo them for it each month.
Subscriptions
I pay for Hulu with ads, $5.99/month. My boyfriend pays for Netflix and we share a Spotify family plan with a couple of his friends, which I chip in $4/month for.
I also pay for the budgeting software YNAB (You Need a Budget) which is $84/year. I only pay it once a year in September.
Medical
I recently had to go to the emergency room for an overnight stay and follow up with some specialists. (I’m okay!) Because of that whole shindig I’m expecting to max out my deductible (and potentially my out-of-pocket-max) right at the end of the year. This will be about $4,000, but none of the claims have come through yet so I’m not sure of the exact total. I have a category in my budget for my deductible, and the rest will come out of my emergency fund.
Physical therapy
This month I’m starting pelvic floor physical therapy for dyspareunia (pain with intercourse).
I’d tried everything the internet suggested (“just relaaaaaax”) before getting the courage to find a new ob-gyn and ask her about it. She had some recommendations, but ultimately physical therapy was the “last resort” option that I’m now exploring.
My new physical therapist comes highly recommended but is out of network with insurance. Each session is $250, and I’ll go once every 2-3 weeks for the next few months as part of treatment. If you’ve worked through this problem (or are experiencing it now!) I’d love to hear your experience.
​
Section Four: Additional Questions
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
Absolutely. My dad was the first in his family to attend college and my parents made pretty calculated decisions about where they would live so I could go to the absolute best public school possible. Over 90% of students at my high school attend a 4-year college, and we start talking about it freshman year. To say college was encouraged in my environment is an understatement.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
My dad has worked in finance since I was about 10. He’s always been really knowledgeable about both higher-level economic concepts and the minutiae of personal finance. My family is frugal, too: we clipped coupons and got clothes on super-sale at Kohl’s and Goodwill. I know there was a period of time when he became self-employed and money got very tight for a few years, but the bulk of those worries were largely kept from me.
Did you worry about money growing up?
Yes. While we were comfortable, we lived in such an affluent place that our family was in “the middle class” of the town and it made me worry more about money than I probably needed to. Think The Stepford Wives for context.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
In college, I became maybe 80% financially independent as I had a scholarship and worked part-time during school and over the summer, but I was still on their insurance.
I remember being frustrated in college because even though I knew I was extremely privileged, my friends in college had their parents pay their summer apartment rent and gave them an “allowance” of spending money, and I was “limited” by the options I could afford with the job I had. My dad told me at the time, “This is frustrating but it’s preparing you for actually having to live off the money you make in the near future.” (Great, great advice Dad.)
I’m technically still financially dependent on my parents for my cell phone bill, but otherwise I pay for everything: rent, insurance, utilities, food, therapy, and all wants in the form of clothing, workout classes, etc. I could ask my parents for money if I absolutely needed to, but would use it as a last resort.
Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
I have an account (mentioned above) that a family friend who’s a hedge fund manager, well, manages. I believe the initial deposit was $1000 over 10 years ago, but that money wasn’t mine either, it’s all a gift. It’s not very liquid—it’d take me several months (and some very good reasoning) to get any of that money withdrawn, since it’s supposed to be for “the future” (which I guess I could argue is now?).
I might receive a small amount of money when my grandmother passes, but it’d probably be around $1-2k, if at all.
​
Day 1 Wednesday, November 25, 2020
8:30am Wake up and shower, take my vitamin C gummies, then make coffee. I wasn’t much of a daily coffee drinker until my offices had it for free, and now I’m definitely addicted. I don’t really care if the coffee is shitty or not, I just put some milk in it and it’s great. Right now I’m trying to drink half or three-quarter cups so I can attempt to pull back my addiction a bit. I log onto work at 9am.
11:30am Eat leftovers from last night for lunch—quesadilla + Spanish rice. There’s an incredible Mexican restaurant by us, and now I am ruined for the tacos, quesadillas and nachos from any other place.
12:30pm Will picks me up in the U-Haul. We’re driving about 20 min away to pick up a butcher block desk he bought off Craigslist, which ends up being from a small office that’s downsizing. The desk is $150 which he pays for. We love the office’s style (and the owner is super nice!) and walk around while he shows us what else he’s trying to get rid of.
We end up buying an extra-large ZZ plant and two side tables from him for an extra $120, way less than we would have paid for the quality elsewhere. My half will be $60, and I’ll split the U-Haul too, $44.51. $82.26
2:45pm That ended up taking a lot longer than we expected! We get back and unload the van, then I bring stuff inside while Will returns the van to the U-Haul location. I jump back onto work—so much for a slow afternoon before Thanksgiving. AWS is down, which powers a lot of our engineering work (and a lot of the internet!) so a lot of our teams are basically twiddling their thumbs. We chat about how to message the outage to customers.
5:45pm Will starts making dinner (braised chicken and veggies) and I sit down to read with a strawberry Chobani, but I end up just reading Reddit and searching for new podcasts to listen to.
7:45pm Dinner was great! Now…ice cream.
9:43pm I remember that my mom sent me ideas for her and my dad’s Christmas presents, so I order on Etsy and Amazon. My dad gets a mug with an Ernest Hemingway quote (“write drunk, edit sober”) ($21.54) and a book on writing ($16.63), and my mom gets this food warming tote contraption she wanted ($43.52). We’ve been paring down Christmases over the years—this year I asked for the Europe version of Ticket to Ride. $81.69
11:15pm I finish up the first episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with some white cheddar Cheez-Its to snack on. After, I start on the dishes from dinner. I listen to the Product Market Misfits podcast while I do dishes—the episode with Kristen Anderson from Catch is great, highly recommend if you’re tired of just hearing stories about stereotypical Silicon Valley tech companies.
Day 1 Total: $166.69
Day 2 Thursday, November 26, 2020
10am Wake up super late since I stayed up scrolling on my phone too late last night. We make coffee and set out for a long walk around 11:15am.
12:05pm At the end of our walk, we swing by our local liquor store and buy 4 bottles of wine (red, white, rose, champagne). Will pays, total is $63.15 for everything. We haven’t had wine in the apartment for ages and I’m excited to have some stocked up. $31.57
12:30pm Get back from the walk, shower, then turn on football. I actually don’t really care about any NFL teams (I like college football a lot more), but it’s such calming background noise for me that I find myself looking for games when I have downtime. We also recently found out that Will’s friends’ dog only has a few months to live, so we order some jerky treats and a squeaky toy for him. $14.07
2:30pm We head out to the restaurant we’re going to for Thanksgiving lunch, a local place a short walk from our apartment. They’re doing a prix fixe menu of the classics—turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, and a phenomenal tarte Tatin with ice cream for dessert.
We eat outside under heat lamps. It’s super cozy. With our bottle of wine and tip the total is $208 (I try to tip over and above the norm because it’s a pandemic and Thanksgiving). My half will be $104.
5:53pm Get back from the restaurant. We have a ton of leftovers which is awesome (I think it’s excessive frugality, but I almost expect to stretch takeout or restaurant meals into two meals). Exchange some texts with my friends about their socially-distant Thanksgiving celebrations.
I turn on the Washington vs. Cowboys game right at the halftime show, which is Kane Brown with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. They’re all wearing masks (except for Kane) and it’s so odd to see them dancing in masks. I mean, I’m glad they’re wearing them, but it just seems like we could have gone without the halftime show this year.
9:21pm I order contacts from Contacts Direct. I got a new prescription but didn’t have a great experience with the eye doctor, so I’m hesitant about this order—only ordered one box of 90 lenses for each eye instead of a year’s worth of lenses. I’ve been getting headaches pretty frequently, so I’m hoping getting a new pair of glasses and alternating those (instead of wearing my contacts for 16 hours a day, every day) will help. $29.98 after insurance benefits
Day 2 Total: $179.62
​
Day 3 Friday, November 27
8:56am Wake up super last minute, run to sign onto Slack and then start grinding coffee beans. I’m online and drinking a big mug of coffee by 9:10. (So much for half cups.)
10:45am Come up for air from work and grab the stuff to make a bagel. Everything bagels and plain cream cheese are my go-to combo.
12:03pm I grab a bag of clothes to drop off at the donation bin and a couple library books to return. The library is about a 25 minute walk so it’ll be a nice lunch break diversion.
12:56pm After the library I stop by the grocery store for some paper towels and sponges, since we’re almost out. Total is $22.62, my half is $11.31
1:09pm When I get home I jump back into work and put the USA vs. Netherlands game on my second monitor. By the 75th minute, the US is up by 2 goals so they start putting in some younger players—it’s fun to see Midge Purce and Sophia Smith play! I also throw some bagel bites in the oven for a quick snack and promise myself dinner will be healthier.
4:23pm I zone out of work and start playing Among Us. I end up playing for over two hours. We open a bottle of wine at some point and I get super tipsy.
6:50pm Turn on the tail end of the Notre Dame vs. UNC game. It turns into Jeopardy, which turns into Wheel of Fortune, which I’m not mad about. P isn’t as into the game shows and leaves to microwave a plate of leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner and play video games.
8:40pm Finally getting hungry after my bagel bites and Cheez-Its this afternoon and make a plate of Thanksgiving leftovers—turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and cauliflower. Yum.
Will and I end up getting in a tiff about the mess in our apartment so we take a break, cool down and talk it through. I watch a couple episodes of Sister Wives and go to bed around 1:30am.
Day 3 Total: $11.31
​
Day 4 Saturday, November 28, 2020
10:05am I stayed up late (again) so it’s nice to sleep in. I play Among Us for awhile and have a couple rounds where I’m the impostor and get some great kills and wins. I run out into the living room and celebrate with Will. We laugh because it’s silly how much we love the games we play. Around 10:45 I start making coffee.
11am We desperately need new sheets because our fitted sheet has a huge hole at Will’s feet (and it’s growing). I search a women’s personal finance group I’m in on Facebook for recommendations and we end up buying a queen sheet set from Belk. Total was $100.71 with their sale. $50.35
1pm I was planning on returning a package to the post office today, but forget it closes at 1pm on Saturdays so I decide to run to Target instead. I have a lampshade to return and want to look for a shower caddy as well. I also have an old iPad to return, which Will tells me I can do at Best Buy. He finds an old iPod and flip phone I can take too.
Take the MTA there ($2.75 for a single fare). When I get there, it’s a madhouse and I remember that I have sillily (is this a word?) decided to come on the weekend of Black Friday. I stand in the returns line for about 15 minutes and get $10.89 back, but ditch the idea of trying to look for a shower caddy. The checkout line looks like 100 people long. -$8.14 because of return
Next I go to Best Buy, but who am I kidding—the line to get in the store is even longer than the Target checkout line. I walk back to the subway and get on to go home. $2.75
2:30pm Since Best Buy was a no go, I search for electronic recycling around me on the way home just to see where I could drop off the devices I have. Apparently there’s an EcoATM not too far from my subway stop. It’s more for selling devices, but if they can’t give you money for something, they’ll recycle it, which is exactly what I wanted. I put each of the pieces in the scanner, and end up getting a whopping $2 total (for Will’s old iPod). Still cool because I was just expecting to recycle it all. I’ll give Will the $2.
2:44pm There’s a Dunkin nearby so I pop in to grab a couple donuts ($2.90). There’s a woman outside asking for money, so I give her $5 cash. $7.90
3:00pm Last stop—our favorite deli is nearby and Will mentioned he wanted to get bacon there recently. I get a 1/2 lb and salivate on the way home. This is one of those things I won’t put in Splitwise because it’s small and because it’s fun to get for P as a tiny little present. $3.50
3:45pm Once I’m home I’m super hungry from only eating carbs all morning so I have a snack of carrots, hummus and some pepperoni. I head back out to drop off a bag of clothes and shoes at a drop box a few blocks away. The neighbors are outside at the park near our house so I stop and chat with them for a few minutes. Their kids are the cutest.
6:47pm For dinner I make a ham and cheese sandwich (panini style with rosemary butter) and more carrots and hummus. I put on another episode of Sister Wives. These people are so fascinating to me—first off, I think the husband is completely full of himself. But I’m also so curious about the wives. There are a lot of talking head testimonials where the parents explain that they’re “oppressed” because they’re different and want to go public so the world can see polygamy as a valid family style (I’m only on season 2).
I know they’re probably playing up the “we love our other sister wives and have so much fun together even without Kody” aspect because people expect sister wives to be catty and hate each other, but I can’t help but wonder why they need to be in plural marriage to get the same friendship they seem to value so much. I also doubt they’d extend the same grace and tolerance they want to people who are “different” because they’re LGBTQ, or “different” because they’re in an open relationship or marriage.
9:15pm I mix together oatmeal chocolate chip cookie batter and put some cookies in the oven. While I’m waiting, I browse Zocdoc for well-reviewed providers—I want to make a podiatrist appointment for a lingering toe issue and an audiologist appointment for a routine hearing screening. I got the idea to make these appointments since I’ll hit my out-of-pocket max with the hospital visit, making them free or very discounted. I make two appointments for next week.
I also lust over a Farm Rio puffer jacket that feels overpriced but I just love. Maybe I’ll buy it tomorrow since they’re having a 30% off sale.
Day 4 Total: $64.50
​
Day 5 Sunday, November 29
8:58am Wake up and switch between scrolling on Reddit and playing a few Among Us games. After a bit Will gets out of bed and makes coffee for us.
9:45am Will finishes the movie he started last night and we start on breakfast. We’re making the bacon I bought yesterday, breakfast potatoes with onions, and a fried egg for Will (I can’t stand the taste or smell).
11:00am Yum! Breakfast was great. I watch a couple episodes of Sister Wives and mull over buying that ridiculous but amazing puffer jacket from Farm Rio. I’ve still been thinking about it since last night and I might take the plunge.
1:25pm I get a jolt of motivation to work out and do a 20 minute Sydney Cummings video on Youtube. I heard about it from a recent Money Diary posted here! After it’s done I’m so, so tired. I stretch and unpause my episode of Sister Wives.
2:22pm I help Will move the butcher block slab for his desk out to our backyard. We live on the first floor of a single-family home that was converted into apartments, so we get the backyard too—it’s awesome to have outdoor space in the city. P works on sanding it and applying poly for the next couple hours.
5:07pm Will suggests pizza for dinner and I am always, always down for pizza. I order pickup from the spot down the street—one grandma, one cheese and 2 orders of garlic knots come to $38.60. We’ll have leftovers for tomorrow too. $19.30
5:50pm We pick up the pizza and dig in. While we’re eating we turn on the Chiefs vs. Buccaneers game; Will has a few players on his fantasy team in this game.
6:57pm I sign up to write letters to Georgia residents encouraging them to vote in the Senate runoff elections in January. This is through Vote Forward—I did 20 letters for the general election in November and want to participate again. I’ll print the letters at a local coffee shop since we don’t have a printer at home.
Will sends me this Reddit comment about campaign finance since we’ve been talking about it recently. I decide I’m convinced by the argument and set up a $5 monthly donation to Brand New Congress. $5
8:19pm After texting back and forth with my friend all day, I buy the puffer jacket—so excited. She encouraged me to get it and is pumped for me too. $228.64
I also notice my paycheck has started processing in my checking account (I get paid tomorrow), so I enter the amount in YNAB and budget it all. I earmark about $1500 to go into my brokerage account tomorrow. I won’t include it here as “spending” since it’s included in the overview section above.
Day 5 Total: $252.94
​
Day 6 Monday, November 30
8:43am Wake up and turn on my Slack. Will started the coffee process and I finish it up by pouring the water into our Chemex and letting it steep (I know there’s a coffee-centric word for this...).
8:56am I check my Citi card and my YouTube TV trial rolled over—I was going to cancel it this morning, which I thought was the last day. I email support to see if they’ll refund me, because (I promise I’m not just saying this!) I did have a pretty bad experience. The Roku app was glitchy for us every time we watched something. Maybe they’ll feel nice today! $64.99
9:35am After responding to a few work messages, I run out the door to the post office to avoid a long package line. I did the Warby Parker 5-day home try on and have to return my box of glasses today. I found a pair I really like and am excited to get in the habit of wearing glasses again, instead of just my contacts.
Thankfully the line is only a few people long. The employees are also super nice every time I go, so I try to be really pleasant too. The lines are usually long and I’ve seen more than one adult have a fit at this post office. It’s rainy today and I couldn’t find our umbrella, so my flimsy rain jacket gets pretty soaked through on the walk back.
11:35am My podiatrist appointment is supposed to be tomorrow morning, and they call me to tell me since I haven’t hit my deductible, I’ll have to pay out of pocket for the visit. I explain that I’m 100% going to hit my deductible, the claims from the hospital just haven’t processed yet. I ask her to bill my insurance first for the visit, then I can pay whatever ends up not being covered (if anything). She agrees!
Maybe this is standard, but I’ve never had it happen before—even if I haven’t hit my deductible, I’ve always been to offices that bill insurance first, then I pay the remaining balance.
1:05pm Lots of meetings today. I break for lunch and heat up the braised chicken with veggies. It’s definitely on its last good day, so I’m glad I used it up. Still yummy!
2:20pm Woohoo! Get an email that my YouTube TV charge was refunded. -$64.99
Will ran to Home Depot today to buy some tools for his desk and also got a shower curtain liner since ours is ripping. I go to put it up in the bathroom but my arms are so sore—like I got my flu shot type of sore.
5:05pm Sign off work after trying to wrangle a supremely frustrating SQL query. I don’t get it but figure I can ask our analyst team for help tomorrow. Will will have a late night working, so pizza and Sister Wives is in my near future.
While watching, I update YNAB to reflect the end-of-month balances for my investment accounts. I get a huge dopamine hit by seeing my net worth number go up. I’m also anticipating it going down a bit next month because of my medical bills, so I relish the moment.
8:09pm It suddenly dawns on me that my arms are sore because I worked out yesterday. It’s so rare now that I literally forget when I do it. Ha!
9:15pm We watch the Eagles vs. Seahawks game and I absentmindedly play Among Us. I end up getting ...bullied by a person playing it? They get mad that I figured out they were the imposter and start saying all these schoolyard-type digs throughout the next couple rounds, but level 100 of cruel.
I’m embarrassed by how sad it makes me but think maybe it’s a good thing I don’t immediately know what to say to bully people back. Such a weird experience. I end up going to bed around 11:30.
Day 6 Total: $0
​
Day 7 December 1, 2020
7:07am Wake up late for my alarm at 7. I’m up a lot earlier today because my podiatrist appointment is first thing. I get dressed in the dark, kiss P goodbye, grab my water bottle and run out the door to the subway by 7:30. $2.75
8:10am Get to my stop and swing by Starbucks before the appointment. I get a vanilla latte and the bacon cheddar and egg sandwich. Total is around $10 but I have a gift card loaded onto my Starbucks app.
My spending here went way down when I switched jobs to an office not close to a Starbucks, and then stopped going into an office at all.
8:30am My appointment goes great, if a little painful when she numbs my toe. I had to get an ingrown toenail removed. I danced ballet and pointe for years so I’m (unfortunately) used to them, but this one was terrible. The doctor and I bond over both being dancers with bad feet and they schedule me for a follow up two weeks out.
She actually says there’s been a rise in these procedures because people aren’t getting pedicures since the pandemic and aren’t cutting their toenails well! Wild.
I look silly on the subway in December wearing Birkenstocks and socks with a huge toe bandage. It looks like one of those cartoon characters who stubs their toe and it becomes 10x bigger than their other toes. $2.75
9:40am I get off at the stop before mine to stop at Rite Aid. I grab Neosporin, band-aids and epsom salt and check my notes for anything else she mentioned about caring for my toe. $12.97
10:00am When I get home, I hop into work and working with our engineers on a promotion for the New Year. I also catch up with Will since he stayed up late last night and I got up early for my appointment. He says he ended up staying up until 3:30am (!!) cleaning up his tools, working on his desk and putting up the shower curtain. I’m floored that he is functional right now after waking up at 8.
12:15pm Heat up the last of the pizza for lunch, along with hummus and carrots.
5:20pm Work is average-paced for the rest of the day. Not doing nothing, not totally over my head. Will puts in potatoes for baked potatoes to have later, which we’ll pair with a salad. We’re getting close to needing a grocery run again, so the meals are becoming more of a mishmash.
We listed a couple things on our local Buy Nothing group last week, so a woman comes by to pick up a wifi router we can’t use anymore. Would totally recommend looking up if there’s a group in your area—they’re usually on Facebook.
6:30pm After dinner I watch more Sister Wives and look up RIP Medical Debt, a nonprofit one of my friends shared for Giving Tuesday. They buy unpaid medical debt from collections, so $1 ends up paying off $100 of someone’s medical debt. I give $50 to the Arkansas campaign, which will clear $5,000 of medical debt.
As Will said earlier today, “medical billing in America is a racket” so I really hope this helps clear a burden from an individual or family. Doing this reminds me to check my insurance portal, which is steadily going up as each separate claim comes in. Ahhhh, modern healthcare! $51.49
At the end of each day please tally up your daily expenses. Then at the end of your diary please tally up all expenses in the following categories:
Total: $719.33

• Grocery + Dining Out: $157.77
• Fun + Entertainment: $0
• Home + Health: $164.67
• Clothes + Beauty: $228.64
• Transportation: $11.00
• Gifts + Giving: $157.25

​
Reflection This week felt like a big spending week for me. I checked YNAB and since January, I’ve spent about $1600 per month, not including rent—so about $400/week. That’s why this week’s $719 feels so high!
Writing this diary helped me understand how many things I have going for me. I’ve recently been in a huge funk—about my health, my performance at work and my relationships with family, friends and P. Going to the hospital, needing physical therapy to have sex and being in a pandemic will do that to you.
I was able to zoom out a bit and understand how stable and gratifying my life is. That being said, I’m so glad this community exists. I really love it and learning about all your spending and saving habits. Thanks for being here and sharing :)

Hi all
So I've been selling on Etsy for 4 years and I'm doing pretty well with it. I thought I'd give some hints and tips that have helped me over the years:

• A LOT of people think that Etsy is one business, so they don't realise that one bad seller doesn't mean we all are. My experiences from a customer side of things are about 50:50. The better Etsy does, the better we do. So your success helps my success, and vica versa (hence me giving out free advice!). It's so important for buyers (and you may be a buyer too) to leave reviews, ESPECIALLY if they are bad! If customer see negative reviews, they would likely not purchase from that shop, and so are more likely to have a positive experience with someone else, and then return back to Etsy. Reviews are the best way to influence the market. Not every hobby could / should be a business- it is in our best interests to have good sellers on Etsy. Leaving honest reviews will help to make the website a better place for us all. The 'bad' sellers should either improve their service/products, or should cease to trade. That way, customers would start to trust Etsy more. It's sellers like these who massively reduce the reputation of Etsy (since most people don't know Etsy it's made up of different sellers). If you are a seller yourself, you're doing yourself a disservice by not reviewing.
• Upselling. There are SO many ways to upsell and there aren't many products that are un-upsellable (made that up)- if you sell hair clip holders, offer to send out a pack of 6 clips for £1, if you sell mugs, offer to send a matching coaster for £3. Each upsell opportunity should be listed in multiple places:
  • As a variation on the product- make sure you do this right in the 'edit variations' section and the costs are correctly input
  • As a separate listing. To some extent, the more listings, the better. My next point is also based on this
• If you offer variations, list each option as it's own listing, and have a variation section on each of them. I sell a book available in pink, blue and orange cover. I have three listings (one per colour), and on each listing I have three colours. It seems OTT but Etsy doesn't make it easy for customers to stay on your shop- Etsy direct them to your competitors. So by only offering variations as individual listings, you may be missing opportunities to sell.
• Write your descriptions as though customers can't see your photos. Take your photos as though your customers can't read. So measurements need to be listed in cm and inches, and photos should have other props next to them so it's easier for customers to see how big the item is.
• Delivery- and dealing with late delivery- three things:
  • Do a shop announcement saying there are delays at the moment due to x reason. Tell customers to order by x day to get delivery in time for Xmas / thanksgiving or whatever.
  • Increase your production time on each order.
  • Increase the estimated delivery dates on your delivery profiles.
  • If you manually mark the order as dispatched by Royal Mail (and I'm guessing other couriers), Etsy calculates the delivery date and tells the customer that date (which is rarely met!)- as a workaround, when you are manually marking orders as dispatched, put the courier down as 'Other' and then type in Royal Mail
  • I send things 2nd class, or international standard, by default. There are options for customers to upgrade themselves. I have some higher priced items (£40+) that I only send tracked, and my delivery profile is adjusted accordingly for that.
  • Calculating delivery costs:
    • I've worked out how much I charge customers for P&P for my items, then worked out how much I pay Royal Mail. I did this - for qty 1 and qty 2 items - for the different weighted items within the same delivery profile - for standard shipping and upgraded shipping - for the UK, EU and US
    • I then worked out my profit / loss on the delivery charges- also accounting for Etsy taking a percentage of the shipping fee I charge customers used conditional formatting to show me (in red) where I'm paying out more than I'm charging. The whole 'how much do you want to charge for an additional item if someone buys 2' has lost me a fair bit of money with delivery fees.
    • This doesn't consider the cost of packaging and the time spent packaging orders, so I think I was probably losing money on most of my delivery fees
• Pick your battles- I am ALL about principles. I want to refuse to refund people who kick up a fuss, who threaten to take me to court, etc., but it's not worth it. It's not worth the aggro of trying to please *some* customers. Most customers appreciate honesty and good communication, if they aren't pleased with this then it's a lost cause. Just refund and move on. If (or when!) they leave a bad review, write the response to them, but you aren't trying to actually 'win' the argument with them, you are writing it thinking about the other customers who are reading them. I was once given a 1* review because Etsy gave them inaccurate estimated delivery dates. Instead of responding having a go at the customer or Etsy, I responded:
  • ^{We apologise for the delays on behalf of Royal Mail/other couriers. Your order was dispatched within 1 day, however COVID-19 has severely disrupted many essential services, including postal services worldwide. With many postal workers self-isolating, branch closures, and increased demand, the service is incredibly overstretched. As a small business, we are very concerned that customers’ orders are being delayed by this impact, meaning they are having to wait far longer than normal for their order to be delivered. I am sure you can appreciate that these delays due to COVID-19 are sadly beyond our control. Please contact us if your order doesn’t arrive within a reasonable time after normal service has resumed, and we will work to resolve this. We hope you keep safe during these challenging times.}
• Make things easier for yourself, and for them.
  • Don't bother including the packaging slip in the package- if they ask you about it, just say you are being considerate of the environment. I've never sent these in my orders and I've never had anyone ask for it.
  • Streamlining all processes- can you make some things in advance, make things in bulk, package things into boxes ready for when the orders come in, organise your work area so there is a 'production line' sort of process. I have streamlined my postal situation! I used to buy postage online and drop it off at the post office (before I learned they didn't get any profit from it), then I set up a drop and go account with the post office- with an automated topping up (once there was £40 or less on the account, it automatically topped up by £100). This meant I could cut the queue, drop my parcels on the shelf at the post office, and then I'd collect the receipt the next time I went in. I now have an online business account with Royal Mail and have daily postal collections, which is amazing!
  • Saved Replies. I have a few saved replies (saved on Etsy), that I use when customers ask a certain question. This means I spend less time replying to the more routine questions. Saved replies below. Feel free to copy them!
    • Coronavirus Delay

^{Hi there! :})
^{Thanks for your message
The package should have been with you within 5-7 working days, but I have checked with my courier and it can take up to 20 working days (however there are a lot of delays with the postal systems at the moment- apparently it's the same demand as the postal service around Christmas but 25% staff off sick!}. As your order only includes standard shipping, I'm afraid I don't have tracking info on your package. I have had a lot of delays on post so I'm confident it's not just your package, but I know that doesn't help the situation :()
^{If it isn't there after 20 working days, feel free to drop me another message and I'll be happy to send out a replacement :})
^{Thank you, and I'm so sorry I'm unable to offer more help!}

• Where is my order? International

^{Hi there! :})
^{Thanks for your message
The package should be with you within 5-7 working days, but I have checked with my courier and it can take up to 20 working days (it's usually there much sooner!}. As your order only includes standard shipping, I'm afraid I don't have tracking info on your package. I'm happy to send you proof of postage if you like?)
^{If it isn't there after 20 working days, feel free to drop me another message and I'll be happy to send out a replacement :})
^{Thank you, and I'm so sorry I'm unable to offer more help!}

• Where is my order? UK 2nd class

^{Hi there! :})
^{Thanks for your message
The package should be with you within 2-3 working days, but I have checked with my courier and it can take up to 13 working days (it's usually there much sooner!}. As your order only includes standard shipping, I'm afraid I don't have tracking info on your order. I'm happy to send you proof of postage if you like?)
^{If it isn't there after 13 working days, feel free to drop me another message and I'll be happy to send out a replacement :})
^{Thank you, and I'm so sorry I'm unable to offer more help!}

• Ask for honest feedback- it is against the rules (I believe) to ask for a *positive* review but asking for a review and any constructive criticism isn't. I have a recurring task set up on my To Do list to ask for reviews from all orders placed 2-3 weeks ago. So on 22nd December, I would ask for reviews from all orders placed between 1st and 8th December.
  • When there are known shipping problems, I don't ask for reviews (so I'm not asking for reviews now until the middle of Jan). I also don't ask for reviews from customers who seemed awkward, or where the order was to a country that I'm not familiar with.
  • Message I use to ask for reviews:

^{Hi xxx,
Sorry for bothering you, I just wanted to say a massive thank you for your recent order with me, I really hope you love the product and the service provided.
If you have a spare minute or two, I would be so grateful if you could leave a review on my Etsy for your purchase.
It really helps little shops like mine grow.
Thanks so much!}

• Organisation- I have an app called ToDoIst- I've paid for the premium account because its SO good. I have created a standard 'new product launch' project which I duplicate for each time I bring out a new product. Tasks include:
  • ^{Send product to photographer}
  • ^{Pay photographer}
  • ^{Work out accurate costs and calculate what I need to charge}
  • ^{Create draft description for Etsy}
  • ^{Create draft description for Wix (my own website})
  • ^{Get photos back from photographer}
  • ^{Publish listing on Etsy}
  • ^{Publish listing on Wix}
  • ^{Make shop announcement on Etsy - new product}
  • ^{Advertise on Facebook}
  • ^{Advertise on Instagram}
• LOG all of the customer requests and messages about products you don't sell. Tally them up- voila! your new product launch pipeline! I added a different version of one of my products this month, because someone asked me if it would be possible. It was one of my best sellers! These customer messages are amazing market research, and free!
• Make cost savings wherever you can- I recently signed up with an account for one of my suppliers and it's given me a 10% saving on those costs. This should help to offset the Royal Mail increase in costs!
• Don't put all your eggs in one basket- consider opening an amazon account, eBay, Wix, or dropshipping. I found a blogger who blogs about my sort of products, and she recently started selling her own items. She approached me about dropshipping and it's going really well. She takes 20% commission but it's sales that I wouldn't get if it wasn't for her, so why not? (this is the same way I think about Etsy Ads btw)
• Gift wrap- I made some boxes that house my products perfectly and I use this as gift wrap. It's a simple way of offering gift wrapping without needing to worry about how perfect my wrapping is!
• Proper photos- this was a GAME CHANGER for me. I tried taking my own photos, tried and tried again. I was rubbish. It would have cost so much money and time to actually get to the level I needed to be at, it was cheaper to use a professional photographer. If you can't afford a pro, there are facebook groups 'lets collab- product photography' or something like that, where you send your products to them (for free) and in exchange they send you product photos. Be SUPER careful with these though, and super detailed about what you want, how many photos you want, and get a contract if possible (there are template contracts on that fb group)
• Sell internationally- make sure you will make a profit on them, and put the shipping costs as high as they need to be. The worst that happens is that you get no international sales, but it's worth it just in case they want to!
• Full time or part time? I set myself a few goals to hit before giving up my job. It didn't go fully as planned but I'm happy how it ended up:
  • Try going part time first, see if the extra time equates to extra sales.
  • Work out how much it costs you to run your household (or your portion of the household) for 1 month- are you making that amount, consistently (account for seasonal trends, December is a busy month for me so when I looked into this, I took an average of a few months, not just looking at December)
  • Don't have all your eggs in one basket- website, dropshipping, etc.
• Keywords- tags and titles. I need to figure out myself how to nail this, but I know it's important. To see which are your worst performing listings:
  • Look at all listings (in stats- past 30 days), paste into google sheets / excel and work out conversion rate- (number of orders as a percentage of number of views)- change things on these listings.
  • You can also find 'SEO listing revisions' available online to buy. I brought this from JustAddJewelry and found it useful :)

Hope this helps some of you!

I posted in JustNoSO about a month ago saying the pandemic has brought out the worst in my husband (we're both British) - he's had issues with every restriction and I had to evaluate our whole relationship. I approached him after the post and said I was worried about him, he was upset that I mentioned divorce and seemed really keen to make everything work. I knew he was still a Trump devotee but I guess I've just buried my head in the sand, not talked about anything more than work and the weather and hoped things would improve. Well they've got much worse.
He's always had a quizzical mind and I'd often find him watching YouTube videos about ancient civilizations and astrology and there were some about humans and angels breeding. He's not religious and I never thought he believed in any of the stuff he watched, but he does say he's agnostic. In our early relationship I never felt that his videos took over his life, it was a small part of what he enjoyed and I was really happy.
Over the last couple of years he's spent more and more time watching stuff on YouTube / BitChute - I don't know specifics but it's always loud American accents discussing mainly politics, honestly I tend to switch off when I hear it. This is now a permanent feature of having him in the house - hearing those videos non stop. Every time I go to talk to him he pauses the video, listens to me and carries on. I estimate he spends 8+ hours a day listening to whatever it is.
Last night I went to ask him something and I stopped in the hall outside his study because he was talking on the phone on loudspeaker to some American woman. As I listened they talked about a new world awakening, Biden or some Hunter Biden killing someone's wife and child, she complained about headaches and he agreed that it was probably her WiFi and the "good guys were taking down 5G towers in Britain", that they were going to be rewarded for being more awake than other people and it was only a matter of time before everyone else started to see what was happening. He talked about buying Iraqi Dinar as it will soon become 1:1 with the Dollar. I sat outside his study for around 30 mins, then went away and crept back and listened for another 40 mins. My whole world has collapsed, and what I thought was my wonderful intelligent husband has become someone else. Or has he always been this way and what he shows me is a mask?
Afterwards I went into his room and told him I'd heard everything and that tomorrow we would sit down and talk about all of this, that I want to know everything he believes in and I also want to see all of his financial records. I know he's invested £500 in Theta and we've both bought gold and silver (I invested as I needed to break my savings down and put half of it somewhere longer term and the best rate I could find was 0.25%). All of our accounts are separate and I have no visibility of what he spends his money on.
He reacted by saying I was acting weird, he said I was over-reacting and it's nothing to worry about. I told him he cannot tell me how I should feel about something and this has all gone from being worrying behaviour to something way more serious. I asked him about the woman he was talking to and he said he met her on World of Warcraft and joined a Discord server to talk about conspiracy theories and that he doesn't actually believe any of it and that he's joined as it interests him. I said that what I overheard sounded like he believed all of it, and he got annoyed that I spied on him.
Today we've sat down and I've calmly asked him about what he believes in. Before we started he handed me a piece of paper that read "I'm (MY NAME), welcome to another episode of Mastermind. Please welcome to the studio (HIS NAME), who's specialist subject is conspiracy theories, (HIS NAME) tell us a little about yourself...." I've spent all night and this morning crying while he's cheerfully gotten on with his life, he believes I'm over-reacting and I'll get over it all soon.
This is a list of what he believes:

• There has been widespread electoral fraud, Trump has actually won and Biden will not be President.
  
• The fraud happened because the Democrats made everyone send in postal ballots which are easier to manipulate. They stopped counting in swing states at 4am when Trump was winning (I've already found evidence to debunk that but he won't listen)
  
• There are 2 powers in the world fighting for a global reset and the central banks want to do it one way but Trump wants a different way which is based on Quantum Financial System, blockchain and gold
  
• During the evaluation for the global reset, Iraqi Dinar will become 1:1 with the Dollar
  
• He does agree that Biden is human, but I mentioned once that he looks like a lizard person (I was joking) and he got really serious and said that was interesting and where did I hear that
  
• He believes Trump is involved with QAnon and that Q has got military connections
  
• He originally said he doesn't believe or follow QAnon but this morning in a WhatsApp message said he spends 5% of his time online checking out Q posts
  
• He agrees that Covid is a real virus but says Covid is heavily overblown and was used as an excuse for the Democrats to push postal ballots
  
• Covid is being used to crash the economy, only the elderly mostly die from it and the average age of death in the UK is 88
  
• He doesn't believe the vaccine has a chip in but believes it is not tested properly and begged me last week not to get it (I won't be eligible for it anyway but used the HPV vaccine as an example - I got it when it was new and people were worried about the side effects, all vaccines are new at some point and they all go through extensive testing)
  
• Covid tests are giving false positives and it's in the interest of these powers to blow it out of proportion
  
• He doesn't believe 5G affects human health but does believe that WiFi has some health implications (ability to sleep)
  
• Hillary is not dead (he mentioned on the phone call that she was and was replaced by a body double) but he does believe she has a double, as does Biden and Kamala, and that they're wearing masks to obscure the differences in their faces
  

I thanked him for his time and said I would need to think on all this. I've looked up a local therapist to see if I can go and talk to someone IRL but I don't know what to make of all this. Do I cut my losses? We have a wonderful relationship in every other way but I just can't get over all this and the idea that I'd have to be careful about what I talk about for the rest of my life. We went on a walk yesterday and I'd been watching the Crown and I talked about Princess Diana and he said "when she went missing" and I was like no she's dead. Then he got this weird smug look on his face and didn't say anything else. Today when I asked him about it he said he does believe that she's dead but the circumstances were interesting.
I feel like I'd be throwing away my marriage for stuff he says he doesn't believe but then why would he act like that then back peddle?
Any help, guidance or anything is much appreciated. I'll be cross posting this in RelationshipAdvice & QAnonCasulties. Thank you.
Update: Thank you to everyone who's taken the time out to respond. It's sad to hear similar stories, especially those that haven't worked out. I've also seen other perspectives on this type of issue which is food for thought.
I spoke to my husband again at dinner and told him how worried I am, that he's changed as a person and this obsession isn't healthy. I mentioned therapy but he doesn't want to go. He reiterated that he doesn't believe in QAnon but likes to listen to the news and talk to conspiracy theorists because it's interesting. I said that 8+ hours of content per day is a lot for an interest, and maybe he could look into getting a new hobby. He said he's perfectly balanced and works and goes to the gym and doesn't see this as being an issue.
I also asked him specifically not to talk to that woman again and he said I can't tell him what to do. I told him he's right but he won't have a wife if that's how he's going to respond. I told him that if he doesn't really believe these theories and it's just a light interest then surely not talking to her would be an easy ask? He compared me to a friend's boyfriend who gets jealous of her talking to other men but eventually gave in and said he wouldn't talk to her. I've asked if we can go tech free this week and he said he's raiding on WoW Wednesday, so we're going to play board games tomorrow and go for a run on Tuesday. He acknowledges that what I overheard would worry most sane people. I told him that he's hurting that woman by listening and agreeing with her, she's delusional and doesn't need someone affirming that. I think that gave him some thought.
I also said how hurt I was at his reaction to my obvious distress, and he said I'm just over-reacting about it all. We'll find out about the election by Christmas and the global reset next year which seems to be his main 2 points but I'm not convinced it won't be something else by that point.
I'm not happy and I'll be pursuing solo therapy and see how things go from there. Hopefully if I can involve him in more activities he'll be pulled away from all this. Thank you to everyone again.

After two weeks of anticipation, Super Bowl 55 is finally here as the defending champion Kansas City Chiefs will take on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Tampa, Florida.
Watch Super Bowl Online
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Every aspect of Super Sunday will be analyzed in great detail, from the national anthem to the halftime show to the television commercials that will run during the game. The two teams met on this same field during the regular season, with the Chiefs holding on for a 27-24 victory. This time, the stakes are much higher, with the Lombardi Trophy on the line, as well as potential bragging rights in the battle between generational quarterbacks in Tom Brady of the Buccaneers and Patrick Mahomes of the Chiefs.
Since the game is being played as the COVID-19 continues to rage across the country, both teams will have travel plans and logistical processes unique to this season. Attendance will be limited to 25,000 fans, 7,500 of which will be vaccinated healthcare workers. USA TODAY Sports will have live coverage of the game and all the happenings from Tampa, and we've also answered some key questions about the matchup for anyone looking for last-minute information:
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See our roundup of the best Super Bowl TV sales When does Super Bowl pre-game coverage start on Sunday? Don't think about doing anything else on Super Bowl Sunday, because CBS is on-air live from Raymond James Stadium from 11.30am ET/8.30am PT, making for a whopping seven hours of Super Bowl pre-game coverage on the channel. Super Bowl 2021: full schedule and TV guide While Covid has forced the NFL to make a number of changes to the usual Super Bowl Week schedule in 2021, most of the usual events and formalities are going ahead in one way or another. Super Bowl Media Day, for instance, became Super Bowl Opening Night on Monday, February 1 and saw select players interviewed over Zoom - not the usual circus that ensues at the start of the week. Here's a complete Super Bowl 2021 TV schedule for the big weekend: Saturday, February 6: NFL Honors 2021 at 9pm ET/PT on CBS Sunday, February 7: Super Bowl LV pre-game coverage from 11.30am ET/8.30am PT on CBS Sunday, February 7: Puppy Bowl XVII from 1pm ET/10am PT (2pm/11am paw-off) on Animal Planet US Sunday, February 7: Kitten Bowl VII at 2pm ET/11am PT on Hallmark Channel Sunday, February 7: Miley Cyrus presents TikTok Tailgate concert at 3pm on TikTok and CBS watch puppy bowl 2021 live stream (Image credit: Animal Planet/Discovery+) How to watch a Puppy Bowl 2021 live stream - and what is the Puppy Bowl? Super Bowl build-up wouldn't be the same without the Puppy Bowl, a pawsome pre-game tradition now in its 16th year - so we're on Puppy Bowl XVII, officially. It sees 70 adorable pups compete in a two-hour long event pitting Team Ruff vs Team Fluff. The event is co-hosted and the teams 'coached' by two of America's least likely BFFs, Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart. 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But anyone from the US currently abroad needn't worry as they can try our No. 1 rated VPN 100% risk-free for 30-days and tune in just like they would at home. super bowl 2021 live stream half time show the weeknd (Image credit: Michael Kovac/FilmMagic) Super Bowl 2021 Halftime Show: who's performing at Super Bowl LV? Following in the footsteps of a sensational performance by Shakira and J-Lo last year that was watched by some 104 million people (and received over 1,300 complaints), The Weeknd has been confirmed to headline the 2021 Super Bowl halftime how. It's expected to go down as the longest halftime show ever at 24 minutes, with Jay-Z and Roc Nation responsible for production of this year's entertainment. For more details, check out our full guide to the 2021 Super Bowl halftime show. Super Bowl 2021 odds and predictions The Kansas City Chiefs are currently installed as the heavy favorites to lift the Lombardi trophy for a second straight season. With arguably the league's most gifted QB in Patrick Mahomes under center, its best TE in Travis Kelce menacing opposing defences, and deadly skill players like Tyreek Hill able to break out for a big play at any time...it's easy to see why. The Bucs are the underdogs, having emerged from the NFC Wild Card picture with big wins over the Saints and Packers to get this far - and few would put another upset past them with GOAT Tom Brady under center. The combination of home field advantage and Brady being Brady somewhat mitigates Tampa's otherwise heavy underdog status, even if the 22,000 fans expected to attended is well below the normal 65,000+ capacity of Ray Jay. Still, while Tampa are a team brimming with the kind of confidence you get when you're led by TB12, most pundits are joining Vegas and the bookmakers in predicting a Chiefs win - though most have it down to be a close game that's likely to come down to the final possession.